It’s been too long. I keep starting posts I don’t finish. Not helpful in the way of sorting through things in my head, but in all actuality I feel better at the moment. The blog may look different. I changed it up for it’s one year birthday. I kept the same title because I still feel connected to it, and it fits right now.
I had a small, brief but significant break down last month. I do see the build up, the triggers, and where I went wrong. I also know the role my hormones played. I somehow avoided a repeat this month (so far). I know my work performance and time management took a huge hit in August. I felt like I spent all month on the phone with doctors, insurance companies and pharmacies. It was very stressful and I’m glad for now it’s over. I will pay the consequences though. I see another write up at work in my future. I’m pretty calm about it because nothing about last month could have been avoided and I’m not going to look back with regret now.
I put in about 2 applications a week at the moment. When I realized today that my boss was discussing my short comings, in a discrete way if course, with HR I just kept plugging away at my desk. I know my soul us being slowly eaten a small morsel at a time with every day that I still work there but I stay for the benefits that allow our son to be double covered for his therapies. If they fire me – which I’ve been told isn’t likely, then I will get to collect unemployment while putting my feet back on a better road. If they just write me up then I still have time to keep looking for a new, less micromanaged, job elsewhere, hopefully not taking too much of a pay hit in the process. I do have a degree after all.
My mental state is at an all time high today and I couldn’t have dealt better with the realization that I’m again, walking a fine line. My boss would love for me to believe that she is sympathetic to my current circumstance, but I don’t feel that from her nor do I believe that’s possible. She’s a 50 something, single, childless, corporate mouth piece. The term “special needs child” doesn’t even register with her as something that has any emotion attached to it. She doesn’t get how that would/could take over a mother’s whole ability to focus on anything but her child every day.
Today I won though. I conquered my own stress, my own negativity and my habutual reaction to things. Today I looked at my stress and anxiety and put it in it’s proper place. I held my head high, and I counted and recognized my own gifts. I accurately assessed my own worth. I found my own peace and quiet space in my mind. It was very empowering and I wanted to document that, to recognize what is possible and what I am capable of. This blog is “for the record” in case I crawl back into my cave of doubt.