As of today I start my new job in two weeks. I couldn’t stay home with my baby for too long because we really can’t afford it. We need to pay off debt, and get car work done, and save up more for “just in case” reasons. I try to remind myself that the brief periods of change and possible upheaval of comfortable routines won’t scar my son for life. He’s the reason I have to help our family build a better future.
I’ve been through a long list of other options besides a traditional job- Etsy shop. SSI for Avery. Baking cookies for a friend (of course getting paid). At home mom types of jobs. I still can find no way to generate a steady amount of money sooner rather than later.
So….this is what we do for now. I read a quote today that said “Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what’s best for your life”. It wasn’t documented who said it but Rev Run posted it on IG. It made me re-think my attitude about my upcoming job, which by the way is essentially the same job I previously had with someone else for more money. I’m not going to think of this as a set back since this was the job God meant for me to have. For now. I’m sure there’s a bigger plan at work. I am not meant to know what the future has in store for me.
With a greatful heart I look forward to the changes that are to come. I am still managing my Etsy shop, and looking into a direct sales gig on the side as well as “the cookie thing”. I have an order for June already. My gratitude list is long. My smile is still present, just a little wavering. It will all work out friends. I know it will.
You guys….. I never talk about this. I go to therapy and say all of the bad stuff that I don’t want to taint other people’s lives or perspectives with. I don’t like to foster any more negativity than I can help. I try really hard to forgive and move on. But today…..I’m grieving.
At least that’s what my therapist would say. Some days you have to just be sad about something to help you move on.
I don’t have the answers to why, and I can’t speak for someone else, all I know is my truth, and that is….my mother isn’t very “motherly” to me. She’s harsh, unforgiving, stern…. I’ve never felt she understood me, or my life, or why I am me. She bullies, belittles, berates, and chastises me regularly. People who meet her would never know this. She’s polite and amiable and pleasant. To them. It’s caused problems in my marriage because my husband doesn’t think I stand up for myself enough and we fight about it.
I’m always hurt just a little by the fact that she gave birth to me but treats me with such a lack of concern or care.
Anytime I hear stories, see posts, witness love between other mothers and their daughters I feel postively green with envy. I’d give anything for a relationship with my mom that made me feel loved and not criticized. When I’m really struggling with my anxiety, it makes me feel even more alone that I don’t have that connection or support from her over the years. As I battled bout after bout of depression she’s always told me to “suck it up”. She doesn’t relate to me. It’s…..so hard.
I’m going to finish having a good cry over it, and then hug my son, and go out into the sunshine today.
Some days I feel like Mc Guyver, and everything in my life is being held together by some sort of random household items and “magic”. Today my little bits of paper, and chewing gum, plus a toothpick, aren’t doing the job. My son literally just ate a cookie that he found on the counter and I’m considering calling it “lunch” because my energy level today is -500 points. * don’t ask what the actual scale is for energy, I can’t even formulate a rational thought about it.
To be honest….I did this to myself. I overcommitted to a big baking project, didn’t take care of myself yesterday (hydrate, eat well, sleep well) and I knew how important that is this week (cycle) and now I’m paying for it with a huge headache, body aches, and poor mental state.
To be really honest this whole state I’m in started a few weeks ago when I ran out of my vitamin D supplement and forgot to refill it….till today.
I know what happens in this house, and to my ability to be a mom, when I put myself last all the time. It’s a lesson I guess I’m going to just keep learning.
Once I’ve collected all of my wayward marbles again I have some exciting news. I truly don’t have the energy to type it all in here right now.