Too many words

Dear friends, I didn’t mean to abandon you or the support from this blog, I just couldn’t keep it up once I went back to work last year. 

If there’s one thing I know it’s this: I’m not good at juggling a full time job, a special needs child, relationships and daily household tasks all at the same time. 

I also needed a break. There are times that I need to jot it all down somewhere and get everything out of my head. There are times where rehashing it is too much and I need to just live. That’s where I’ve been…in the present, finding my peace one day at a time in the silence in between moments. 

My anxiety is an ever fluctuating beast that leads me into corners of pulsing light and negativity. One day I think I’ve found some stillness and the next day it’s gone with the wave of worry that hits me. There are days that I feel I’m becoming agoraphobic and just leaving the house makes my pulse race. I really should have tried medication by now….but previous posts have explained this. It’s another one of my control mechanisms and a phobia I’m sure I created. 

I’m without my wonderful therapist for the moment. She said she would do phone sessions but I just haven’t mustered up the energy to call and request one. Therapy is a blessing and chore. I am the type to tell myself I don’t need it until I reach a crisis mode in my emotional state. She’s the one who told me that special needs parents experience a form of ptsd. I have no doubt…

I had a great week, meeting new people finally and celebrating my sweet boy’s birthday. I am coming to terms with how Colorado feels, where I fit here. It’s going to be ever changing for a while. 

That’s right. We moved. I now live in Colorado Springs. I am again a SAHM for now and have a little too much time to reflect. 

I have always been a lover of language, stories told by strangers, things said aloud by loved ones…but I find lately I’m bombarded with the noise of it all. I didn’t appreciate and accept my true nature until anxiety started to erode my mind. It was after I started therapy again that I recognized and absorbed the facts of me. I am a true introvert. I don’t draw energy from large groups of people and social settings. I am picky about my friends and my interactions and I only share myself and my life when I feel safe. With that in mind….I met a total stranger that I felt could end up a very good friend. She made me feel safe and understood within the first 10 mins of meeting her. Since I lack some social savyness I’m not sure how to make that friendship blossom, so I’m left with prayer, and the knowledge that God gives us the friends we need. 

I’ve always had a story inside me. Words would leak out of my ears and nose and eyes until I wrote them down somewhere. I’ve kept a journal since I could write. I still have them because to throw them away feels like destroying part of my soul. When technology advanced and storage became an issue blogging became my medium. I miss pen paper and ink but this format also gave me support from others. I’m very thankful for it but sometimes, especially with how our lives are, there are too many words. Too much to put down and too many things to say. It overwhelms me and I need to retreat to a solitary moment, or months/weeks/year to function as my family needs me to. I have to let go of the words I’ve collected in my mind and focus on the business of living consciously and being present in order to keep the darkness away. 

Please forgive me. I do love you all and the community that has been created in this space. I’m hoping to have more time and energy to show this blog some love in the future. 

Thank you for your patience…