I wanna run, run far and fast

Do you ever have a day that you just want to run from your life? You don’t want to know the facts of your own life? You don’t want to live the facts of your life? You wanna sit in a corner and howl, and wail over the things that won’t and can’t change? You wanna dig a deep dark hole and climb in?
I have learned that who I am is a great mother and wife. I’ve learned how to set all judgement aside and be a great loving friend. I’ve learned I am a deeply empathetic person who really truly feels for other people and cries over others struggles and tragedies as if they were mine. I am stronger than I ever imagined and more driven than I thought I could ever be. 

Regardless of all of that, I still grieve heavily for some things in my life that were meant to shape me as a person. I don’t question God’s plan or doubt his work in my life. It’s not a great thing for me to dwell on the things that didn’t go as I’d hoped. I try to focus on the daily joy of being a mom, and wife, and friend. I know to spend any time mourning the past is a waste yet I look back like I think I left something important there.

My son is happy and loved. He has clothes, food, a bed, toys….he’s a typical 3 yr old in so many ways. So why am I still mourning the “loss” of normalcy? He wasn’t meant to be like other kids, and he’s not unhappy for that. In fact I doubt at this point he knows he’s different. He wasn’t “normal” when he was being knit together in the womb. The DNA strand he got was exceptionally unique and blessed upon him by God himself. So what is my problem?! 

I mourn the future struggles. I cry over possible trials in his life. I get teary when I think he may never have friends, or could be bullied, or have a very hard time at school or in society. 

For all of that I’m ashamed. I do accept him for who he is, but some days I wish I could change things for him. 

That’s where my running comes in. I could never run far enough or fast enough to avoid the facts. I could never outrun the facts of our lives as people and together as a family. 

Once I got where I was running to I’d just feel shame over fleeing anyway. 

I guess sometimes we’re just meant to ache over the truth until God helps us find peace.  

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Social media fuels my social anxiety

I have to say that until this week I was feeling better. My anxiety waxes and wanes. I know my triggers, I know my issues, I see my therapist, I practice self care, I exercise, and still no matter what, social media always manages to flare it up. I’ve even tried cutting out social media but it’s hard as an introverted SAHM because to cut out the middle man does isolate me a little. Or a lot. Depends on the day, right? I still think the dress was gold but whatever. 

We are overcoming some tough stuff at the moment. Av just had tubes put in. I think he feels better but it wasn’t instantaneous. I feel he’s still working on vocalizing better. He makes sounds that seem to be words and I’m encouraged. It is hard though. I can tell he’s in there but I can’t figure out how to help him “out”. He just “graduated” from his early intervention school and we are between therapy rounds and providers. That won’t last long but we’ll have to see how he does with new therapists in a new environment. 

I just saw a story of a 10 yr old autistic boy. Same story, different sweet soul. No friends, birthday coming up, social media cry for help. I’ll be sending a card and a Lego as requested because I just can’t ignore something so small that means something so big to a child. As always though it makes me fret for my son and his future, and if he will ever have friends. Or a wife. Or his own children. 

As my mother would say, don’t borrow trouble. 

I’m trying not to…really.