Start over

I’m up really early today. I’ve been sleeping till 9 or 10 most days that little man lets me. This morning he was up at about 4:30ish and I haven’t really slept since then. Finally got out of bed at 8:30. He went back to sleep at 7 or so. *sigh*

I’ve been having a rough patch with my anxiety and feeling physically good. It makes me feel like a dark cloud hangs over me every day….like at any moment I could freak out, not feel well, or….just die I suppose. 

I’ve increased my vitamin D intake, and done all my “little tricks” to feel better mentally and physically. I’ve decided the best thing is….to start over.

I was very determined last year to make 2014 the best mental health year and to conquer my fears. I don’t do resolutions. Instead I’m grateful for the past years lessons and set goals for the new year. I can’t say I conquered all my fears this year, but I gave it my utmost best and that’s enough for me.

This year I just want a fresh start. I want to look forward to the year and to…life. I have a wonderful therapist, a kind doctor, and family and friends all here to support me. I want to be as healthy as possible and continue to grow emotionally. I want to experience as much of life as possible and not let fear and anxiety hold me back.

But for now I just need to lower my self induced stress level. I always try so hard during the holidays to make everything perfect for everyone. This year I decided hand crocheted infinity scarves for everyone I know was a good idea. It’s December 23, Christmas Eve eve,  and I have two left to make. I won’t make the cut off date of Christmas day, but I’m going to stress myself out tremendously trying. I also wanted to do Christmas cards, hand written, and a long list of baking. All of this plus no snow and 50 degree temps makes me feel “grinch-y”.

So….this morning while trying to psych myself up for the day when this happened…..

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I decided to do my best for the day by starting over (with the oatmeal at least).

I hope you’re all relaxed and happy this holiday season. If not, like me, you too can start over in 2015.

Love to you all.

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Changing a life

There are so many things that mothers do. We bring life into this world. We populate the planet. We raise future leaders, or…serial killers. I don’t mean for this post to take a downward turn towards the dark side, but there is a point to be made. Depending on how you share your love, your self, and your life’s experience can shape the way your child percieves themselves and others. What you give to them in attention, and guidance and care will develop their personalities.

I’ve been struggling lately. My anxiety fluctuates and I have a rollercoaster of feelings every day. I can’t tell you the cause of my imbalance. All I know is….my son needs me to figure it out. I deserve to feel good more regularly and be able to give more of my best self to him and my husband.

I’m up waiting for bedding in the dryer to finish drying and contemplating our lives lately. My son is having break throughs. He’s making more of a connection with us at home and with people in public. He is forming what I consider to be words and he’s responding. This is huge because for a while it seemed like he was on a little island by himself, and we couldn’t quite reach him or get him to acknowledge us. It was very indicative of a diagnosis like autism. We don’t have that diagnosis yet, and I wanted to give him more time. I don’t think he felt well for a bit and I had no idea. He’s proven to be sensitive to milk. He was drinking a lot of it and…. I think it effected how he felt and how he behaved. I was working so hard to keep it all together while working full time at a stressful un fulfilling job and I didn’t see how he was feeling. I missed it. Believe me, once we realized what was happening I had a good cry in the shower by myself and then moved on. We have so many more wars to win that to waste too much time feeling low about a small skirmish seemed foolish.

We went back on B12, cut out milk, and viola! He’s doing wonderfully!!!! It’s so great! I did realize today though, that this boy really does need his momma every day to see him, to understand. Until he can speak, until he can tell us what he needs or wants, I have to be his voice, and I have to pay attention! I am afraid to go back to work. I will need to eventually get a new job, but for now this little boy needs me. At therapy today he looked me in the eye, and looked so delighted with himself, it was enough to make me tear up, something I hate doing in public. He was so proud of himself and what he was doing. When we praised him, you could tell he “got it”, he knew he was doing something.

Me losing my job changed that baby’s life. I was always there for him, but now we walk hand in hand every day. I can tell he is flourishing because his biggest supporter is right there all the way looking right at him. I’m his momma, and we were always meant to walk this road. Despite my own troubles, and worries, I am grateful. He needed me more than we needed the money my job paid. I am thankful for the closed door and the change that made for all of us.

Monday thankfulness

Look, I try not to let negative thoughts run around too long. I don’t usually blame a day of the week. I hate pegging it on hormones (even if it is the problem) when I have a bad attitude.

Today is not starting well. Headache. Nausea. Congestion. Achey. You get it. I feel every 36 of my years like someone ran me over with a garbage truck, and went around the block to do it again 36 times. I know what it is, and to save us all from the age + menstrual cycle convo I’m now going to redirect this post to other things.

So right when I’m in the deepest part of wallowing in my misery one of my best friends….someone who lifts me up all the time when I can’t get up on my own…tags me in a sweet post about the scarf I made her for her birthday. Unknowingly someone who always makes me feel better does it again and I am grateful for her and my God that put her in my life. I asked him for a friend to help me through some things and he sent me one of my oldest acquaintances and showed me what a good friend she is.

So excuse me if I have a good cry because I’m so thankful, and then I’ll scrape what’s left of myself off of the couch and try a hot shower. I always feel physically better after a shower.

I have lots of recipes,  pictures and news of Av to share but….it’s going to have to wait.

I hope you all have a good Monday. Take it as easy as possible. De-stress when you can. Be kind to yourself.

Insta-love and a heaping pile of denial

I’ve been gone for a bit friends. Sorry for that. I’ve been avoiding some social media for a while. Facebook and WordPress sometimes have too much reality for me and I have to step away. I’m not trying to bury my head in the sand and pretend the bad stuff doesn’t happen. My anxiety flares in ways I don’t always expect so I try to prevent it by protecting my mind as much as possible. I still hear all the heartbreaking news stories and see some things I’d like to forget but it’s better than it would be if I was completely plugged in.

Recently folks I joined a majority of you on Instagram. Love it!!! I can always handle pictures of food/babies/shoes/my friend’s christmas tree. It doesn’t carry the same pressure with it for me. Even my beloved WordPress can make me feel sort of sad/envious/stressed/anxious. Words have always been very powerful for me so that makes sense.

As always, here is where I come to let it all out. I know my therapist would be proud. Especially since I can’t see her right now. I had to get a referral from my new insurance before I could go and of course now it’s the holidays. I haven’t seen her since September.

Enough about that. Here’s the truth- I’m in the depths of discouragement. I’ve applied to so many jobs since I was let go that I just feel horrible because I haven’t been called even once for an interview. I feel like a giant failure. All my work experience and my 4 yr degree mean nothing.

I know, I know….it’s the time of the year, the economy, or the types of jobs I’m applying to. “Enjoy the time with your son” everyone says. I am. But…..that’s also a source of discouragement for me. When you see the huge gap between your child and every other child every day it tears at you. There’s only so much “celebrate and be grateful for the little things” that you can do to ward off the worry and anxious thoughts of the future. I need to reel it in as one of my best friends would say. Anxiety is fueled by fear of the future. Stay in the now and enjoy the moment, is what she would tell me. She’s right, it’s just hard to do sometimes.

My other predominant emotion as of late is envy. I am guilty of coveting other’s lives and economic status and normal children. I seriously want just one day in their lives. Just one. I’m pretty sure it would put me back in my place and help me realize how blessed I am.

I woke up this morning feeling old and achey and deflated.

So, my only solution is…get out of the house. Take Av somewhere to play or have lunch. I need to shower (usually also where I take a moment to breathe and pray) get dressed and….put on lipstick. I’m convinced that lipstick and a cute pair of shoes can make most women feel better. As one of my favorite authors says “get up, dress up and show up.” Regina Brett

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Have a great week everyone!