The sleep crisis

I really am in crisis mode. I can’t hardly function at this point and I need a solution soon. My son doesn’t sleep through the whole night, or by himself. He’s 17months old, and that’s literally how long it’s been since I slept a full night. I really can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted, and most of the time don’t feel well because I’m so tired. I fall asleep at my desk at work most days. I don’t want to have a nervous breakdown…that’s not the ideal outcome of this little situation.

Let’s clarify the details shall we? His crib is in our bedroom. Has been since he was born. He loves his “Dada” but won’t go to him at night, or if he needs comfort. He doesn’t sleep in our bed but has a terrible way of wanting Mama to hold him till he falls asleep, and a lot of the time wakes up if I try to put him down. I can’t sleep very well while holding him- he kicks, elbows, wiggles, sweats, and in general isn’t comfortable to try to cuddle while sleeping. It’s not working for me and as my husband says, I’m like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde lately. Super cranky and sullen in the middle of the night and sweet during the day despite lack of sleep. I can’t help it, sleeping intervals of two hours at a time all night would make anyone wanna slam doors, ignore baby wails, and sleep on the couch with ear plugs.

I know it’s not entirely bubba’s fault. I’ve set up this bad system and I have to be the one to change it and try to help little man be a little more independent. All of this is going to start today and take, you got it, some bravery on my part (#6). He’s my first, my only, and for the last almost two years if I woke up worried for some reason I could just look over and verify that he’s still breathing. I know there’s video baby monitors now…but those freak me out…

I of course recently happened to read an article about those monitors and how other people can see your baby and vice versa because of the frequencies they use. Yes I read it on the interwebs. Of course I think everything I read is the truth. Let’s move on…

In the end, so I don’t have some weird “Norman Bates” kind of kid, he needs to get used to sleeping the full night, in his own bed. It’s what is best for all.

Starts tonight. We’ll see if I can stick with it. Please cross your fingers, think good thoughts, and quite possibly pray really hard for me. I will need it, and so will bubba. This might involve letting him cry it out for a couple nights.

*sigh* I never knew being a parent would mean possibly ignoring your offspring to help them help themselves. Feels wrong, but my Mom swears she did it with us, and all three of us lived.

Happy Wednesday! Lots of pictures promised tomorrow…tonight we BAKE! XO

Bravery #5 bummed me out

I had an awesome blog written for today, and then…my computer at work crashed.

It’s that kind of day. I’m now on my phone, and if course there is no way to recreate my previous witty-ness…but oh well.

Brave thing number 5 made me feel sort of downtrodden, and it’s too bad. I think it’s maybe just the day in general but here goes.

So my employer has a rockin’ 401k program. I have not been a participant till an hour ago. The reason this is crummy is something to the tune of about 40k. *grimace and palm to forehead.

I can only say that I was a broke college student when I started here, and for the next roughly 2130 days since then (almost 6 years for those without a calculator) I told myself I would do it tomorrow.

“Tomorrow” ended up being today cuz I can’t pass up any more money! My employer matches my contribution 200% up to my 6% of my annual pre-tax pay. Yes, please do slap me for waiting so long. Now, since I’m not fully vested unless I’ve been contributing for 5 years, I’ll have to either stay that long, or only take my portion when/if I pack my desk and depart. *sniff sniff*

I’m mostly upset because I’m not exactly in love with my job or the company I work for. It’s not the same company that hired me, it’s less employee fuzzy-friendly than it used to be. The morale is low, and the job is more than a little stressful. I’ve been essentially failing at it since before I got pregnant. Now, because I have other things that drive me and keep me here, but also make it hard to go to work, it’s my biggest soul sucking activity that I regularly do.

*deep breath* I enrolled today to help myself down the path I need to take for now till I take a different one. I won’t be 30-something forever, and I don’t want my kid to have to be the one to wipe drool off of my chin and change my depends when I’m past doing those things for myself.

Despite now taking $200 less a month home, it was the brave and right thing to do. We will find a way to pay everything monthly and still eat.

Now I’m going to go find a king size candy bar. The brave starting of a new diet that doesn’t involve chocolate can wait for another day.

**Now I have one more thing to watch! The stock market! (smirk)***

Full weekend

So far Monday is trying to kick my teeth in….but I put on my tough girl hat today and I’m giving it my mean face. With that said, I have bravery items 2, 3 and 4, pictures of the things I got done this weekend and daydreams of my bed and comfy pj’s.
Let’s start with this- (remember brave to me may seem like no big deal to most people)
2. Ate mushrooms at my mothers house. Reason this is brave-I haven’t had mushrooms for the last 4 years because I had an allergic reaction to something that had wild mushrooms it in. Needless to say, I’m still here, and I loved my Mom’s new twist on pot roast. Score one for both of us.
3. I took my husband to a Raiders game at a Raiders bar in town. This may not seem brave, however, I was a little worried about my husband getting over passionate (?) and possibly having an altercation with a stranger. Let’s clarify: he’s nothing but mellow and sweet most of the time. Put him in front of a Raiders game and he turns into a screaming, fist waving, red faced fan. If they lose we don’t talk about it, and he fumes for at least 30 minutes. We won, he had hot wings, I had a brownie sundae, it was all good!
4. I gave a handmade present to my boss’s boss at work. She’s having a baby, and I made a blanket. Normally this type of thing makes me a little self conscious. Today I just marched in there and gave it to her.

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I was busy all weekend and it was great. Saturday we got snow tires for my husbands car, and bubba and I went to Mom’s for dinner and a movie. Sunday I made pumpkin muffins, applesauce, and apple cake, then we took the baby to grandmas and went and watched the game.

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So now I’m putting the baby to bed and then I’m going to take a hot bath and fall face first into bed.

Happy Monday!

Bravery challenge

It was a test of bravery from the beginning for me to start this blog. I like to steer clear of any format that might expose me…in any way. I struggle with isolation when I’m really down, which then becomes a habit/cycle. So, in order for this therapy vehicle to work for me I have to continually push myself. It’s great to post recipes, and talk about my daily life, but really I need to stretch my own limits.

I’ve been rolling this challenge around in my head for a few weeks. For me it takes courage just to think about taking this on, not to mention putting myself on the spot with all of you. If I’m ever going to see progress and move forward I need to do a few things I’ve been afraid of however, and there’s no way around that.

Here’s the challenge-a month to do some of the things I really need do to but scare me. 30 days, more or less, to test myself, and prove my own strength. I am aiming for a brave thing a day, regardless of how big or small. I have a list to work on. I have improvements to make in my life.

This starts today. The reason it starts today is simple….I let myself be afraid and procrastinate. I let fear hold me back. I will no longer tell myself “I’ll start tomorrow” about anything.

My first brave thing is to take on this challenge. I am thinking that at the end of 30 days I’ll just keep going. I am hoping if I make bravery a regular thing in my life that I will no longer think of things as brave. It will just be part of life to try new things and not think about all of the anxiety driven “what-ifs”.

I miss the person I was before I let my life be driven by my fear. I wasn’t always the fearful woman I am now. I became this person over time. The old me would have wanted to slap the present me. I used to actually not sweat the small stuff. Mostly.

This is HUGE for me. I have trust issues and control issues to top off my anxiety and depression. My chemistry in my body is off for sure, and that’s part of this challenge. I need to start my vitamins again and possibly other medication. It may be rough for a bit.

I’m afraid and sweating already, but excited! Regardless I’m sure I’ll take something away from this.

For now, I’m wasted tired. It’s been a fitful sleep kind of week. Cross your fingers that my son sleeps past 6 tomorrow.

Goodnight and happy weekend all!

Grounded

It’s been over a week since I blogged and there is a very good reason for that. I had a HUGE anxiety flare up last week due to the return of a very toxic Ex from my past. It took me till now to feel completely better again, and brave enough to even type something out about it.

I will admit that I have always had a way of dating the wounded souls of the world. I can count on two fingers the amount of stable well-rounded guys I ever had the opportunity to be with. The last guy before my husband was no exception to the rule, and sadly it ended horribly, more so for him, and I was so glad he was gone. Without dwelling on the past and letting the negativity infect me again the briefest possible explanation is this: he was (is) and alcoholic and that poisoned his whole life. I wasn’t aware of how bad it was until too late, and I really thought I could help. I’ve never been so wrong in my whole life.

It had been over three years without hearing a thing from him, and I have been so thankful for the path that my life took, and where I’m at now. Nothing has been perfect, and I still continue to struggle some days, but in comparison to my life with him, things now are so much more stable and peaceful. He shattered that by contacting me, and trying to rid himself of some insecurities before he marries his girlfriend. I saw red, and I’m not an angry person, but I lost my cool altogether. I never do this and it made me almost physically ill for a few days.

What kept me grounded was…my husband. My love. My smile when I don’t have one, my sanity when I’ve lost it, my soft place to land. Gad gave him to me. He knew what I needed, and he delivered him to my door step and then gave us a miracle baby boy. I’ve never really mentioned my fertility issues, and now seems like the wrong time. More in the future on that maybe.

In the end, I feel better, and more prepared to handle the unexpected. I let last week, and my past derail my train, but I learned where my strength lies, and who matters most. I’ve only been married three short years, and in that time we’ve had ups and downs, but it’s the constant love and concern I always get from him that reminds me that I’m exactly where I should be in life.

**I did LOTS of cooking this weekend…I’ll post recipes tomorrow.**

Today I got some stuffs done!

Apparently I was so busy patting myself on the back yesterday that…I forgot to post this. My awesomeness amazes even me sometimes. So…here it is. Don’t mind the picture of my half eaten lovely meal last night. I always forget to take a picture before we dive in like we haven’t eaten in days. Happy Monday!

So yesterday was a day literally *flushed*. I was sick still on Friday, and Saturday morning I tried to go to urgent care. Long story short I ended up at the ER watching NCIS re-runs in a backless gown hoping for a script and a shower in the nearest possible future. (Just to be clear, I only wanted a shower because I had greasy hair and hadn’t taken one yet, not because I thought the hospital was dirty).
I’ll spare you all the nitty gritty details, I’m fine, but all my plans for Saturday turned into more Gatorade and saltines from the couch. Such is life I suppose.
Today I was a wonder woman, cape and all!! My energy is still on the downside, but I managed to clean the kitchen, finish the laundry, take bubba to the park and to buy more jammies, and make baked ziti for dinner. I rule!!
Ok now the ziti was…a really simple recipe, but it wasn’t frozen, so that’s something. The Texas Toast was frozen, but still tasted delightful. The hubby was none the wiser and I still look AWESOME! Little man is sleeping and I’m headed there myself, but I feel pretty good about myself for bouncing back today. Yesterday I really thought I’d be reading in the “library” all weekend, and nothing would get done, which makes me feel like an epic failure. Today, I was given the gift of a settled stomach and the drive to make the most of my Sunday. Yay!

Love the chub? Squaring off with my muffin top

Confession: I have gained a little weight recently. When I say a little, I mean like 20lbs.

Even after having the stomach flu I’m about 7lbs heavier than I’ve ever been before. It’s sad really, because I lost 20 while pregnant, or shortly after. I had some to lose so my OBGYN never fretted me about it. I’m not sure what happened. It crept back on slowly and quietly. I missed the shift entirely till one day I realized my “chubby days” jeans didn’t even fit. I had a good cry in the closet over it, eyeballed my Bella band from my early pregnant days, and then put on sweats and with my head down took the dog for a walk.

Here’s the thing- I’m torn between finding acceptance for my new shape somewhere in my mind, and fighting it tooth and nail. It all comes down to energy and my mental state. And fear. Can’t forget the emotion I struggle with the most.

I know I could do with a good dose of self love and acceptance. Somewhere my therapist is beaming at me for that one. I know I need to love who I am no matter what shape I’m in mentally or physically. There’s a small voice inside of me though that says to accept this larger, uncomfortable, cumbersome, unhealthy body is giving up on living my best life possible. To continue to live in an unhealthy way will come back on me, and it’s selfish not to dig deep, face my fears, and live better. My son and husband deserve a healthy happy momma and life partner. So…*gulp* I gotta bite the bullet and do what I hate–>workout. No amount of vitamins and drinking water is going to make my heart healthier and decrease my risk of type 2 diabetes.

As a way of treating myself with some kindness I am going to buy at least one pair of jeans that fit RIGHT NOW. I gotta find a way to do this and still have some self esteem in the meantime. I have to be nice to me. I finally realized it all comes down to that.

More recipes to come! I’ve been cooking healthier lately, and I’ll post soon the things I’ve been making.

Have a great weekend all!