If only carrots tasted like lemon cookies!!

We had a rough night last night. Avery was up from 1:45am till 4:30 or so. I was so delerious by then that all I remember was looking at my phone at 4:19am. I’m not sure the issue since he’s been sleeping straight through the night for a couple months now. Maybe he was cold, or hungry or both. In the end I turned up the heat, gave him a 2nd or 3rd bottle (the details are fuzzy) and wrapped him up in a blanket. My husband and I woke up bleary eyed and growly this morning.
So, because I know how this goes, I’m going to try to avoid too much sugar today. With that objective in mind here I sit…eating baby carrots…and dreaming of lemon cookies.

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Lemon cookies may seem like an odd choice considering I’ve been talking about thumbprints since a month ago…but let me ramble for a bit to explain.
My son loves a particular preservative free popcorn from Trader Joe’s,  and I’ve been out of it at home for at least a month. So this weekend mom and I decided to go. After finding my lovely daffodils shown on yesterday’s post, and a huge melt down in the popcorn Isle (Av’s of course) the result of which is pictured here….

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I came across some very yummy looking lemon curd. First of all let me say that I have looked all over for such a wonderful looking jar of lemon loveliness.  Darn you Trader Joe’s!!! So of course I bought it and then scoured Pinterest for all of the recipes I could find that called for lemon curd. I chose a cookie recipe, naturally,  and have been formulating a plan to get them baked and in my tummy ASAP!!!
*sigh*
Let’s digress a moment shall we? I admit that lemon is by far my favorite flavor of…anything. Except chocolate.  Chocolate is it’s own food group at my house. Period. Anywho….lemon. Mmmmm lemon! Why would a flavor so delicious have such a gross sounding word attached to it? “Curd” does NOT sound delightful enough to be connected to lemon and included in a cookie.
Just sayin….
I see a nap during lunch in my future.
*yawn*
When aforementioned cookies are produced I will be taking pictures and posting them. Now, which sounds better? Lemon bar cookie cups? Or Luscious Lemonade pie cookies?

I am also open for suggestions. 🙂

Upbeat

That’s my word for the day. No matter how tired I am. No matter how stressed I am. No matter how much I want to give up and go home today. I. Will. Stay. Upbeat.
My daffodils that I bought to cheer myself up with are blooming. I feel better today than yesterday. I will think positive, happy thoughts.
My husband had his MRI this morning, so now we just…wait. Surgery is the most likely next move, but until then we just have to keep smiling.
My sister will be here for a short visit on Thursday. 
Things are good.
I will schedule the appointment for Avery’s assessment. Until we know anything, we just do what we have to every day to have fun. I played a fun game of “chase” with him last night. Nothing sounds as great as his little laugh. Sweet boy of mine…
That’s it for today. Bought some girl scout cookies to hold me over till saturday when I’m going to make jam thumbprint cookies. Saturday is the day!!
Happy Tuesday all!

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Found words and sore muscles

I haven’t felt very well today. I blame my crazy cleaning of the old apartment we lived in. This weekend was good for a couple reasons though. Av found some words again!! We will see what happens from here. Our appointment with the pediatrician on Friday told me that I wasn’t concerned for no reason.  We did get a referral to a specialist,  and his doctor told us that he felt little man needs an assessment.  I have spoken with the specialist already, and he warned me there won’t be a diagnosis from him till bubba is at least 3, but if he feels Avery has a lot of “red flags” he will refer us to a different specialist for a 2nd opinion. It’s a complicated drawn out process and I’m trying not to stress out. Easier said than done.

Meanwhile, we have to finish vacating our old place and turning in the keys. More on my obsessive cleaning tomorrow. Let’s just say for now that my bum hurts, my arms are killing me, and I woke up feeling old for the last two days.

My husband’s knee is finally going to get looked at more extensively tomorrow. We’re pretty sure he tore his ACL. Not good. So, this week we should find out if he needs surgery to fix it. *sigh* The road to recovery for him could be a long one.

I made my appointment with the new therapist and my doctor wants me to start Zoloft. I have to discuss baby number two with Rob before I go there.

It will be another busy week. Hopefully, there will be some recipes soon. The meal plan for the next two weeks looks good!! Now, I just gotta find my energy again. I’m one exhausted momma!

Dr’s appointment

We have one today. I say “we” because I mean Avery, but really it’s me taking him, and him not knowing “why” or “what for”. Let me back up…

A week ago my baby sitter said “You know Avery hasn’t talked for about a month now right?” The truth is I had noticed. The words that my sweet boy found to voice about 4-8 weeks ago are gone. No more ” What dis?” or “What dat?”. No more “Dada”, “I’ll get it” “yep”….

I really can’t list any more of them here because it hurts too much. The way my dumb mind works, I’m sorry that I didn’t record them, like on my phone or in his baby book (I kept meaning to fill that thing out completely!!!) so that I could hear them later and I had a record of them.

I called my friend first of course. She’s always been super sweet to me about all of my neurotic-ness. She’s never once told me I as “nuts” or “melodramtic” or made me feel like I was losing it. She told me to just take him in. Don’t jump off of a cliff yet, don’t assume the worst, or self-diagnose, and if I have worries they are valid and should be expressed to a medical professional. Love her.

I’m really trying to keep my s…. together here. It’s not really going that well.

On top of the no-more-words thing, my son doesn’t care about playing with other children. I don’t say this lightly or without several occurences of it happening. We’ve taken him to the play place at the mall, a kids hand’s on science center, social situations, and…he just doesn’t care about interacting with other kids. Acts like he doesn’t really even see them. I was baffled when I watched him. I just thought…he’s just little. Not even two yet.

*deep breath*

Last but not least on my list of things I have to retell to the ped, which is partly why I’m typing it here, so I can keep my head about me a little bit, is that he doesn’t respond to his name. He doesn’t care if I’m saying it, his dad is saying it, or, and I assume this is true since it hasn’t happened yet, the president is saying it…he won’t respond to you. Not at all.

*this one makes me tear up the most*

So, with a heavy heart and shakey hands I called the specialist and his regular pediatrician this morning. Both said what I have noticed is concerning. The specialist said she’d call me back as soon as possible today and we might need to take him to Seattle for testing, and the ped told me to come in today. I’m hoping for at least a blood panel done since we haven’t had one since November when we stopped the B12 because his levels were low enough to feed him normally and try no meds. All on Dr’s orders of course.

All I know is…he seems lost to me. The sweet boy who was developing so well and learning so much, surprising me and his dad every day with his language and his smile over every little thing…has disappeared. Where did he go?! I WANT HIM BACK!! I can still see him in there…I can…it was just a month or so ago…

I tell myself to wait for the doctors to tell me he’s fine. I tell myself that going back on B12 for his MMA might be the answer, and then the small voice that I don’t want to listen to asks me “what if this is permanent?”. “What if your son never looks you in the eye or offers you a kiss on his own ever again?”

It’s all I can do to sit through work until I have to go scoop him up and have someone else scruntinize his behavior like I’ve been doing for a couple of months now.

His dad is in denial. Says he’s “fine”. Says “he’s not even 2 yet.” “he’s not behind”. I would love to think he’s right and yet there’s something that sits in my head, that could be either mother’s intuition or just my neurotic fear that tells me “something isn’t right”.

I pray that I’m wrong. That it’s just a “phase”. I pray that he will one day, like this afternoon maybe, just pipe up with “I’m super hungry mom, and why are we at the doctor’s office?” and I will laugh and say “Oh, sorry for wasting your time, apparently he’s fine and I was REALLY wrong!”

I don’t mean to joke. I really do wish that would happen.

*sniff, sniff*

I hate crying at work. I’m going to go looking for more chocolate. Please pray for us. Avery is such a sweet boy, and it doesn’t matter in the end…I love him to the moon and back. I just wanted a normal life for my baby and I guess that just wasn’t meant to be.

 

 

 

The things you can read on the internet…

My monday started out pretty typically. I hate Monday’s simply because it’s the day after the weekend. Sorry Monday.  Your lot in life sucks.
I’m still very tired because someone, who knows who, decided to take a precious hour from me this weekend. I needed that hour. I could have used it in a lot of different ways, but mostly to sleep. *grump* I’d still like it back and I don’t want to wait till fall for it. Just “putting that out there”.
Avery felt the same way. I know ‘cuz he slept all the way to his babysitter’s and then howled when I handed him over. Big crocodile tears were rolling down his face when I closed her door. Crying can be contagious, and I cried on the way to work. It might have been ok if I loved my job and felt fulfilled in some way, but since I work someplace that pays my bills but is slowly eating my soul bit by bit…I just wanted to turn around, get my baby and go home.
I did go to work, in a funk, praying for an “attitude adjustment”.
The internet is my go-to for a smile sometimes. Facebook failed me. No surprise there. WordPress was my next option. So far today I’ve read blog posts about an orphanage in Morocco,  a sweet pit bull adopted by the coast guard in Delaware,  a man who appreciates how hard it is to be a mom, someone’s opinion of breastfeeding in public, and a guy who found a girl dead in a car outside of a Starbucks. Wow. My mind was busy but it made for a weird day. I swear while reading I take things in and somehow it becomes a part of me. I’m now going to read my book because 4 out of those 5 posts made me cry.
BUT…I gotta hand it to WP for having a diverse group of featured posts. I do love the blogging community that we are in.
I do judge my day by my shoe calendar picture, so I should have known today would be weird.

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I hope everyone’s Monday was at least tolerable, and the week goes by quickly!

Be kind to yourself

I’m taking those words to heart today. I woke up feeling like gum stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe. Not a good way to start the day. I’m aware of the cause (not enough water yesterday, and hormones) but that doesn’t make it easier to face the day. So I drank some water, put on yoga pants (shhh! Not technically work clothes) and a loose shirt, allowed myself a good cry on the way to work and now I’m eating chocolate marshmallow peeps and reading a book between calls at work.  Later today I have a nail appointment and a yummy dinner planned.

On days like today, though I may move slower than normal, my thoughts are still a million miles an hour. I have to accept early on in the day that I won’t be up to doing as much as I normally do. Once my mind accepts the truth, then I feel 10 times better almost instantly and I’m ok with l the level I’m on…for today. I often feel like being the mom of a busy toddler means I never have enough time for everything.  Life as it used to be is long gone, and some times it feels like just putting out small fires all day long. Just as I get done doing one thing something unexpected pops up. I love my son, and wouldn’t change a thing, but it’s been an adjustment to my expectations about the order of my daily life. I have gotten used to the clutter that a busy small child creates, and the chaos that follows in their wake.

Today I am grateful for the little things. Today,  I will rejoice in the small vuctories. Today I will give myself a break, find ways to stay relaxed and calm. Today I will not worry about the small stuff. Today, as with every day, is a gift, and I will be kind to myself.

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Mini cookies are evil!

I admit to a little slump in my attitude that made me turn to cookies in the first place. Then my excuse was “but bubba hasn’t really had a proper chocolate chip cookie”. Let’s face it…my new eating better plan pushed me over the edge, and then pms hit. When I made them I swear I was in some sort of trance and wasn’t hardly aware of what I was doing. Plus, I made them smaller with the idea that my son could eat one more easily.  Ha ha ha! 
So,  here I sit guiltily wiping crumbs off my face and I realize I’ve eaten 20 of these little suckers and my stomach is slightly gurgley. Yuck. Too late to turn back however. Also…Av hated them.  For a second I questioned his parentage, but there’s no forgetting the labor I went through so…guess he just won’t be my cookie munching partner in crime anytime soon.

Cookies have always been my undoing so it’s not surprising that this week I gorged myself.

As a side note, since I suspect I’m not going to be able to muddle through on my own any more, I have to call and make an appointment with a new therapist that was recommended to me. It feels like a set back to have to go back when I don’t think my depression is as bad as it has been over the years,  but I’m not sure what else to do about my anxiety that flares up at the oddest times. I also hate starting from the beginning with a new person, but my last therapist kept falling asleep at the end of my appointment.  I’m not sure if that means I’m boring, or she’s just old.

Anyway, cooking regular meals and food has commenced again so possibly more recipes will get posted. I have to remember to take pictures before we dive in!

Happy hump day!