Here’s the thing…

So I’ve been busy this week. No posts for a couple of days. I didn’t need to, or have much to say. I needed quiet for a min. I’m sure whoever reads this was thankful for the break from my “gabbing”. Maybe. 

Now is as good a time as any to tell you about “men”. I’ve been putting this off, but there’s nothing to hide. Really. 

Let’s start by saying this will be an abbreviation, and when I’m feeling like a longer post is something I’m up for, I’ll get into details that kinda break “girl code”. Don’t tell on me! 

I knew early summer of last year that something had to happen in my life or I was going to die miserable. Sounds dramatic, but I really had gone to a dark place in my head. Early fall the ex knew we were done, and by November I had downloaded a dating app. 

Calm down. The ex knew about it. From the beginning. 

I wouldn’t say he endorsed me using an app, or was over the moon that I was leaving him, but from the day I told him I was done he knew I was going to date. He knew what had happened between us and where his part in it all was. I think now, even though he says he misses me, that he just wants me to be happy. 

This is the quick and dirty version. There was obviously ugly moments, tears and some fighting in the middle of all of the splitting up stuff. Mostly just because there’s never an easy way to break up with someone. Ever. 

Movin’ on…

The app. It was a suggestion from my two best friends in the whole world. The idea was to keep me occupied and give me hope that I wouldn’t end up alone forever. And ever. 

Now is the time in my story to tell you that I am picky. I don’t just mean a little picky. I mean PICKY. The ratio of men that I have chemistry with and will go on more than one date with is 1/10. I wish I was making this up. Before I was a mom the ratio was more like 1/5. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain the reason why it changed. 

So I’ve been on a few dates since about November. 

Don’t get crazy ideas. DATES people. If I’m picky about who I date then… yeahhhhh. 

The actual number of dates since the first of November is 16. Don’t ask why I kept track. I have no idea. Maybe to prove my ratio still stands. 

It does. 

Ok, some would ask about the “one” out of ten at this point, that I had chemistry with. *sigh* Sadly I didn’t get the second date. It wasn’t an option. 

Here’s the thing…. when I have chemistry with someone, because it’s a little bit rare, it lights up my world for a little while. It reminds me that it is possible to meet someone that just might appreciate all the weird little things that make me who I am. It reminds me that you never know who will be that person that you just wanna sit and talk to for hours about… anything. (I’d like to do more than talk but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). 

It’s not often that people take me a little by surprise and draw me in, so it makes me sad that I didn’t have a chance to… explore that. 

Dates will still happen for me. I’m four away from the next jackpot right?! Who knows I guess. 

I like to give most guys a chance. Mr 1/16 was not someone I would have expected. He was someone that I knew in advance had limited time to see me too. I didn’t care (still don’t). That’s just how chemistry works, either it’s there or it’s not. Three months later and I’d still go out with him again….

Let’s not talk about it. 

Currently, I have a date this next week. New guy. No idea how this will go. And a second date with a very nice guy, but…. I don’t feel the spark. I just have no concrete reason to turn him down. 

That’s it. For now. 

Imprint

We have no control over how people see us. As much as we try, no matter what you do, either someone thinks you’re great, or they don’t. We do, however, have some control over the impression we leave and the affect that we have. Sometimes.

I try really hard to always leave people with a good feeling about me. I am conscious of my actions (that comes with being a naturally anxious person) and always try to be non-judgemental, forgiving, and the kindest version of myself possible. You never know what someone will take away from any interactions with you. The best you can do is be genuine, thoughtful and kind.

When I decided to leave my ex-husband I was sad about the lasting damage I might be incurring upon him. Regardless of what happened between us, and what was done or said, I didn’t want to leave him worse than he was before our relationship. I’d never want that. Maybe this is really why I stay friends with ex’s? I always try to end things on a good note. I’m aware this isn’t always possible, and for that I do accept responsibility. 

I really don’t know how else to say it, except that I try harder than most to never give up on anyone, and be the person that cares when maybe no one else does. This is the reason I’ll likely take care of ex-hubs when he finally has his 4th knee surgery… unless he has someone else by then. It’s just how I roll I guess.

This “leave a positive mark” applies to anyone I interact with. I am not the person that calls and yells at the cell phone rep or constantly says snide things under my breath to people. I can be snarky, but I am aware of that and put in the effort to curb that instinct. I’m also not saying I don’t stand up for myself, or that I don’t ever get mad, but there are kinder, and more direct ways to deal with people that aren’t treating you well for whatever reason. Just because I’m sassy doesn’t mean I’m mean on purpose. At least I try not to be.

I do worry sometimes that this blog is misconstrued, and about how I come across. I worry that any of my “people” will read it and feel bad, or take something wrong. I realize that it isn’t my responsibility how others react to me, and a fairly anonymous blog. I just always wanna put out good vibes and feelings. Nuthin’ but love…

But everyone is a work in progress right? There’s a very fine line between sarcasm and passive-agressive behavior. I always say I was raised on sarcasm and religion. My mother was a pillar of judgement and criticism. I learned negativity and harsh speech at an early age. I’m not placing blame, just stating that I’ve had to try to fight this kind of behavior in myself since I was aware enough to know that there was a better way and it is possible to re-wire your own thought process. Happiness and positivity is a good thing to make a habit, and work on daily.

 It’s probably no surprise that in everything I do, I consider the impact on my child. I know in recent posts that I haven’t talked much about my little boy. Part of that is because I have no idea who reads this blog and the other reason is that it makes me sad to talk or write about him right now. He doesn’t live with me at the moment because it’s what’s best for him. He’s happy, and I don’t want to upset the delicate balance of an autistic child. 

I’ve done everything possible to lessen the upheaval to his life during the split of his father and I. I waited till after the holidays to move, I had him stay with his dad so his routine isn’t thrown off and his surroundings are familiar, we kept the same daycare, and I have visited every night that I could so that I’m still present in his life. Since he is essentially non-verbal there is no way to know what he understands or how he feels. I try not to worry, but I’m a mom, worry comes with the territory.

There is a level of responsibility that comes with life. We are all responsible for the footprint we leave behind, not just on our children. I’m responsible for the imprint I leave on family, friends, people I meet at work, people I interact with in public or over the phone, or even online. This blog is my truth, but I like to think someone somewhere gets something out of it. 

I hope my imprint on people, in “real life” or online is a good one. I’ll keep striving for that… no matter what. 
 

Quiet

It’s been a long week. I maxed myself out on spending time with a variety of people. I wouldn’t take any of it back, but I’m a little overloaded. 

Sometimes I just need solitude and quiet. Other times it’s too much and takes my thoughts in places I don’t want/need them to go. 

I’ve always been very sensitive. I’m perceptive and aware of the feelings of others and the energy in my surroundings. When I go do a lot of socializing sometimes it wears me down and I have to go home and be by myself for a minute. 

Everything I went and did this week was good. Great times with great people. I forget how it is to spend time with friends. I usually limit who/what/when. I’m picky about who I spend free time with. Always have been. Selective I suppose. 

I’ve reached a good place in my head. I cried it out, walked it out, drank it out (a little), slept it out, and socialized it out. I’m good. It feels good. Now, I just gotta circle back to my goals. I’m a driven person so while I may go through ups and downs, once I get my head straight after a funk them I’m good. Unstoppable even. 

As I enjoy the quiet in my apartment and my head, I list all of the things I’m grateful for. Most of the list is people. Wonderful people. 

I know I can be an observer, sitting in silence watching, but mostly I’m a lover of all people. I like to listen, interact, converse, communicate. I’m better one on one than in group settings, but I’m a “people person”. I’m so thankful for all of my family, friends and acquaintances. You just never know who will touch your life, even if only for a brief moment. 

There’s so many things I can do alone, on my own, but it’s people that have always directed me, guided me, helped me move past myself and my own shit. 

The quiet in my mind doesn’t come from just me. It also comes from love shown to me by others. 

I’m so grateful. 

Timing

Life’s rhythms amaze me. Sleep cycles, reproductive cycles, growth cycles, respiratory cycles… incredible stuff. Even natures cycles are pretty interesting. Everything happens at a certain time for a specific reason. It’s all about timing. 

I’ve always felt that the timing of things in my life was on point. Even if something started out feeling wrong, when given the rear view mirror perspective of it, things were always timed perfectly. 

You should know by now who I give credit for this so I don’t need to turn this into a big “trust God’s timing for your life” meme. We’re going to just keep it rollin’ here. *Plus, I’m not in the business of forcing my beliefs on others, so I try to keep my God talk to a minimum.*

The most interesting thing to me about the phases I’ve gone through and the timing of it all for me is that I seem to make friends or have relationships with the right people when I need it, or it’s most beneficial. I’ve even met people who helped me or touched my soul somehow, even if it was brief, that changed my life. People, strangers, have said things to me at moments that there’s no way anyone could have known what effect that would have. Crazy stuff. 

Everything from when I met my lifelong best friend to when I got pregnant was so wonderfully timed that I couldn’t have scheduled those things myself and had it turn out better. Or is it just that I’m grateful for my life, and the things that made me who I am now, which of course is a pretty awesome chick? *big grin* 

Since life isn’t perfect, there’s always those “met the right person at the wrong time”. Sometimes this stuff gets to me, and I end up a little sad, but again… just roll with it. If you’re meant to spend any kind of real time with someone, you will. People sometimes come back around…

It’s no secret I’ve been a little black rain cloud this month, on and off. I think I’m actually through the worst of it and coming out the other side. I did, however have help. People always seem to just… show up when I need them the most. 

At the moment, I have a couple of new friends, people to spend time with, and a lot of interesting and different male attention. I have yet to divulge much here or update on my dating status. Honestly, there still isn’t much to tell. I know what I want, but I can tell you I’m not doing anything about that. I’m really truly just going with the flow. 

I’m sure, when the time is right, it will work out. 

Mean gene 

There are many things that I am, that I can admit to, that I can strive for. Meanness has never been a part of my make up. I just am not good at it. Consequently that means I’m “too nice”. This IS an actual thing. Ask any nice guy. Right? 

This is what I find: no one wants someone who is too nice. Everyone wants a little edge. A little sass. Someone with a backbone. 

Here’s the thing. I’m many things. I can be sweet. I can be sassy. I’m not going to be mean. Get over stuff with people who can’t or won’t respect my time and who I am? Yes, absolutely. I don’t think that’s mean though. I think that’s fair. 

There’s a girl from my training class that’s been telling me since September that guys don’t want some sweet as pie lady. They want an edgy chick. *I’m smiling. She is a sweet girl, so I think this is SUPER funny coming from her.* 

I was totally born without the mean gene. I just can’t do it. I can’t ignore people, or tell anyone off (most of the time), I care about most people even if we’re not close. I don’t see this as weakness. I can put myself in just about anyone’s shoes most of the time. Very forgiving and understanding and empathetic. 

I will say this- when I choose to “move on” or get over something/someone and it’s apparent, that’s usually when stuff just…works out. Isn’t that always the way it works? 

My co-worker can keep being “mean” to the boys that follow her around. It’s amusing for the rest of us. I’m going to stick with my honest, open, heartfelt approach. Someday the perfect guy will appreciate that about me.