Monday Boogie

I can always tell when I have too much on my plate because my thoughts flit around in my head without any definite direction. It’s super distracting, and since it’s Monday, and I’m tired as usual, it’s not helping my focus at work.

Speaking of work- recently they did an air quality study. They were getting complaints that people were getting sick at work from the vents that haven’t been cleaned in, oh I don’t know, years?

First of all, this makes me smirk, not because I take sickness lightly or because I don’t believe it’s happening, just because I think it’s a little humorous that people who work in an 8 x 8 cube are getting sick from it. Or is that my messed up sense of humor talking?

At any rate, I myself find that a stuffy nose and sneezing while at work is the norm. I just thought that was my bad attitude lately about being at work effecting my actual health. Maybe not just my mental state then eh?!

I will say this: there are days I wish for just one opening window in this building to bring in some fresh air. Just a small breeze every now and then.

Is this the most random blog post or what? Anyone wanna have a dance party?

The Bravery Challenge continues, only I’m giving myself a break on it. I’m not giving up, and I’ve still been striving to do something that scares me once a day. I just have cut myself some slack about the rigidity of reporting it here. I’ll still finish the list and I still have important stuff to divulge. We’re just taking a short brief hiatus. Besides, part of my new set of goals is to be nicer to myself. It’s one of the hardest things to do.

This last weekend was very productive, and exhausting all at the same time. I grocery shopped last night and my whole vibe was off. I usually take a list, a calculator, and put my “I mean business” face on and knock it out. Last night it took me 2 hours to shop for two weeks worth of groceries. I even had a meal plan set up in advance and I still had a vacant look in my eye. I was just so drained from scrubbing everything in our 1100 sq ft that I couldn’t even think straight. I was stumbling all over the store mumbling things to myself. I wish I was joking.

Best thing to come out of our weekend was our Christmas pictures. My baby is getting so big! I love his little personality right now, and he was so good for the photographer! Lately we’ve been having small glimpses of two year old like tantrums. He’s just easily frustrated and can’t explain it to us yet. Anyway…he was a charmer as usual. That sweet boy of mine…

Well, hope Monday treats you well!

Grateful

When I woke up this morning I was feeling…fresh. Rested. Fabulous. Then I was bit by the green eyed monster thanks to the interwebs and social media. I got into the shower swallowing around a sour taste in my mouth…and then my baby let himself into the bathroom to visit me. It snapped me back into the reality of my life, and all I have, and gratefulness washed over me. I shouldn’t ever play the comparison game. No one’s life is like mine and vice versa.

I have so much to be thankful for every day, and I know it. I lose track of what everything is all about occasionally. I get wrapped up in daily garbage and forget the miracles that my life is filled with. My baby reminds me just with his smile and childish giggle how lucky I am.

17. Dentist appointment. Ever since I had my root canal I’ve avoided the dentist. It was time to suck it up and go back for a cleaning.

Well, it’s Wednesday…two more wake ups and it’s the weekend. Yay!!

Functioning wallflower

If you look up the word “wallflower” Merriam-Webster says this:

A person who is shy or unpopular and who stands it sits apart from other people at a dance or party.

I would say most people who have met me don’t think of me this way. I can appear to be very personable and talkative, and social. I’m a functioning wallflower. I’ve learned to not appear so awkward, but I do have a certain amount of social anxiety.

I was more capable of blending in at a younger age. The older I get the more I fight to maintain an open-ness to people, and to push my social boundaries. This is especially true if my depression is overwhelming me. If I’m in a dark place, mentally, my instinct is to curl up somewhere by myself.

Common sense tells us of course, that isolation doesn’t help so I fight. I fight every day to open myself back up again. I try to peel back my own layers, with gentle shaking hands. It’s so hard. I can’t tell you what age my trust issues started. I know I was born…sensitive. I’ve never identified with this word, but I have no other. I know as a child I was keenly aware of my parent’s struggle with money, and that I never felt like I had true friends or fit in very well. I know my feelings were easily hurt, and I do remember worrying over things ( not a shocker considering my current state as an adult). If you pay attention to diagnoses I’m a “highly sensitive personality”. I toss that out the window and just know that things effect me more or differently than others. I don’t even think of it as a limitation, just a difference, and I fight to overcome it every day.

Yesterday’s blog was posted, by me, to my Facebook. Not what I would normally do. My stomach twisted up in knots afterwards but…the point of this blog wasn’t to take the easy way out of everything. I need to get to that better version of myself. I need to keep pushing myself to do that. I have to be brave. It was #17 on my lust. Yes, I have skipped a few items and now I’m going to list those.

14. I took my busy baby boy with me, and bought skinny jeans. There are several reasons this is brave. If you have to ask me why I’ll loan my bubba to you and tell you to find a pair of the slimmest pants available before he goes nuclear in the store. There aren’t enough goldfish crackers in the world to stop his hollering if you take longer than 30 minutes to complete this task. It’s also rather brave of me to put skinny jeans on my junk in the trunk. Just sayin.

15. I started my Vitamin D supplement again. This doesn’t seem brave but my mind has always played mean tricks on me, and I stopped taking it regularly last year after I had a weird reaction to…something. I convinced myself it could have been my supplement. I’m “morbidly low” though so nothing will look as great until I get my levels back up. Yes I’m weird, but check with me in 6 weeks after the vitamins load. I’m sure life will look lots better.

16. I went to a baby shower on Sunday that my close friend threw for someone I’ve never met. In fact, I knew no one at the shower except my friend. The new mom and I have emailed over the struggles with having a baby that has a medical anomaly (her oldest son has a lot of issues) but I hadn’t met her until this weekend. This was a big step for me and a huge struggle because I woke up with a head splitting headache. I was late, but still went. That was big for me too. I got to hold the new baby though and was there for a bit to support my friend. It was good.

Today I’m pretty on edge. I have a dentist appointment and….I hate the dentist. Hate. HATE! I’ll live, I’m just praying for no more cavities.

Happy Tuesday all!

My veteran

On this holiday I think about my husband, and how his life, and ours as a result, have been shaped by his service. He has given more to this country than I will be able to list here. As a military spouse I know what he goes through daily for his country. I know what I’ve coped with is part and parcel of what comes with the job. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because it has done so much for my best friend. None of this means it’s not hard. It’s a tougher life than any man or woman who serves would tell you.

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My husband and I knew each other from school, kind of grew up together. He had a lot rougher life than I did as a child and the military gave him a way to support himself and advance his education and life as quickly and easily as possible. He’s been “in” long enough to retire with full benefits in 2 years. That means almost 20 years of service to our great nation. That is longer than I can even think about working one job. I would get it wrong if I tried to list all of his deployments and duty stations here. I know he went to Iraq twice, Korea, and Diego Garcia. He’s had at least 4 different stations in the US. He’s seen more foreign countries than I could even dream of seeing.

The military has helped him advance his education, develop leadership skills, took care of his health and well being and gave him a family long before we had ours. It helped him become the man he is today, and grow into his strength and confidence.

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The part of his story that involves me and our son is the shortest part of his military career so far, but hasn’t been without sacrifice. He hasn’t deployed since we’ve been together, and we have yet to do a PCOS (base/station change) but I’ve had to get used to life with a military man. He was stationed on a remote island in the middle of the Caribbean ocean for the first 6 months of my pregnancy. When our baby was 6 weeks old and we were still going through a lot of testing and medical appointments for his MMA he had to go to Colorado for 6 weeks to do more schooling/training. I learned to give our child shots in his legs while he was away. His oldest child, who was born into a family where both parents serve, is with her mother stationed in a different state and doesn’t see her dad or brother very often. Our family has learned the ropes of this life that he’s chosen. I know that his employer, while they value family and home life for their employees, they also have a high expectation of job performance. I would expect nothing less.

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It’s been an adjustment for me being a part of the military family, being a military spouse. I still don’t understand all of the lingo and the “rules”. My man is a “by the book” employee too. He knows the rules, follows them to a T and expects the same of others. It causes him a lot of stress to be so rigid about things, but it’s who he is. He scores very high in loyalty, integrity and honesty categories of all personality tests and is dedicated to his work. We don’t have as many military friends as I would like because of the “fraternization” rule. It’s just all part of the job.

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I hope that I give him enough credit daily for what he does for our family and our country, but I know I can’t begin to understand what it’s like to work for a company who’s boss this also the leader of a country. No wonder he never questions his orders. Ever. In some way or other those orders came directly from Obama himself (through appropriate channels of course).

Despite how hard or demanding his job is my husband is an amazing father, and spouse. He does everything possible to make sure we’re all happy healthy and well taken care of. I can’t express the depth of my gratitude for all he is and does, and he and all of his fellow soldiers deserve more recognition than one day a year can provide.

I love my soldier and all he does for all of us!

**bravery list continues tomorrow**

The “I can’ts”

I woke up this morning feeling haggard. My baby is still having a rough time sleeping in his own room, in his own crib, and it’s been hard on all of us. I had a terrible headache when I went to bed, and I woke up with the same pain. All I could think about was all of the things “I can’t” have/do/be. I dragged my sorry behind to work even though I wanted to stay home sooooo bad. I’m out of paid time so any time at home is an hour off of my paycheck. I can’t do that more than most of the other “I cant’s” I had today.

Then I sat at my desk and read one of the blogs I follow and felt better. Inspired. Rejuvenated. I just replaced my “cant’s” with a smile and some hope that things will get better. I did my gratitude list and focused on my blessings.

#13 I asked for help. I swallowed my control issues, my fear, my pride, my embarrassment, and asked for help making it through yesterday. I asked for a needed hug, word of encouragement, and help with my child. I took off my super mom cape and admitted to needing assistance because I had reached my limit. It was…refreshing.

More baking this weekend, and I’m hoping to finish a long put off craft.

Happy Friday!!

So, I had a good cry

I’m on the hormonal roller coaster at the moment. Please look away. But of course you won’t because it’s like a car crash. You can’t help but watch to see what happens next. I don’t blame you, I’d probably watch too.

I woke up in good spirits. Ate a healthy breakfast, drove slowly to the sitters and to work while listening to calming music. Then someone in the break room was crying and showed me an obituary, complete with tiny little photo, of a 2 month old baby that died last week.

*ok, deep breath*

Then I went back to my desk and someone had emailed me a link to an article about a man who posted pictures of his wife’s struggle with breast cancer.

*gulp. Sniff, sniff. Another deep breath*

Then I talked to my brother, and his wife who’s only 30, and disabled due to a medical mistake, is having more health issues… And that was it.

I went to the workout locker room at work and had a good cry. I cried for all of the sad stuff we see or hear about in the world but never let get us down. I cried for that baby that didn’t live long enough. I cried for the struggles of people I don’t know but their story touched me. I cried because I have had a super long week with not enough sleep, and too much sugar and fatty food. And then I was done. It was like the well of sadness suddenly went dry.

I do think that sometimes crying cleanses the soul. I certainly didn’t wake up thinking I would bawl like a giant baby at some point today, but life happens.

#12 made an appointment with a new hair lady. I trusted what’s left of my self esteem about my appearance to a stranger. I’ll show you the results tomorrow. As per normal I’m pretty spent now and have to go drink 2 gallons of water before my kidneys shrivel up into raisins.

#11, and a recipe

*yawn* I’m off of sugar today, and it’s pretty rough right now. I’m tired. Hormonal, anxiety ridden and stressed. We had little man’s specialist appointment on Monday. I’m thankful that’s over and went really well.

I stress bake. Yesterday, I whipped up a batch of Oatmeat Scotchies without even thinking about it. It was like blacking out and being on autopilot. I looked down right as the batter was done and thought “hmmm, ok. Wasn’t I just in the car?” Weird I know, but I also do grocery lists in my sleep if I’m really stressed. The recipe for these lovely cookies is simple, but I’ll include a link for it since I’m so out of it today I’d likely mess it up.

http://www.food.com/recipe/nestle-oatmeal-scotchies-20376

Bravery item 11 deserves a quote.

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”

I stood up to a friend yesterday. She’s a good friend, and a coworker, and it was about another coworker and friend. The details are tedious and not important. What’s important is that I did it. It’s really out of character for me, but it felt good. I love this friend and she has a huge heart, and I didn’t say anything out of anger or start conflict between us. I just told her how I felt about an issue that she was having an emotional reaction to. It was good.

I know I’m about a day behind. Today is #12, and I will post about that…tomorrow. For now I need to find a way to nap under my desk.