About a week ago I got the chance to have dinner with an ex boyfriend. My ex from when I was 19. We’ve kept in touch and been friends over the years. He’s met my son, I’ve seen videos and pictures of his son. It’s all very…. sweet. I suppose.

In all seriousness, I hadn’t seen him since Avery was a baby and he wasn’t even married with a son himself yet. Sometimes, it’s hard to sever the ties from your past, and in his case I’ve never had a reason to. This is one of those guy that’s always cared deeply about me and my well-being. Which brings me to the heart of this post…

For anyone that’s either with their person now, or met the one that put your heart at ease, you’ll get this. This ex, we’ll call him J for his own privacy, was one of 2 & 1/2 guys in my life that I felt a deep connection with (we’ll maybe come back to the 1/2). The kind that you don’t find often. They just fit. They feel/felt like…. home.

This all sounds wishy washy, and I get that, but it’s the only way I know how to explain that feeling you get when you meet or date that person your heart beats for. The connection is undeniable and on a deeper level you just… know that your life will never be the same. You look into that persons eyes and see… possibility and acceptance, an understanding and something that just… makes sense. They see you, and know who you are on a soul based level.

So, back to dinner with J. We caught up, laughed about old times. We talked about how dating is now, how the internet and online dating apps are ruining relationships.

I know I sound old when I say that, but to an extent it’s true. You meet someone, it seems good but either something happens, insecurity creeps in, or either of you has FOMO, you/they start to wonder if something better is “out there”….

When there’s s giant catalog of people online to flip through and choose from you lose focus on what’s important and what’s right in front of you. Connections aren’t made the same way, or valued for their rarity and uniqueness. You could look into the eyes of your soulmate and still wanna… see what else is out there.

Seems wrong on so many levels. But, it’s the truth.

I asked J how many people he felt that strong… bond, pull, connection to before he got married.

“Besides my wife? Two, and you were one of them.”

Now to be clear friends, nothing fishy was going on here. J and I have kept in touch as close friends because we helped each other through tough periods in time during our early 20’s. We both had family issues, and I battled my worst bouts of depression between the ages of 18-28. He’s always known when I was struggling and exactly what to say. He’s been a blessing in my life from the beginning.

The same can be said of M, my second deeply connected bf from the past. He can tell through text what my mood is regardless of what I say to him. Crazy stuff people. But when you connect on that level… it doesn’t just disappear because of time or distance apart.

J said it took him 15 years to find the connection, recognize it, and know that he couldn’t let this one go. But… it took him a long time. It’s a rare thing, and it’s a learning process to get through your own crap and not let it go.

I’m a thinker as you all know, and I wanted to collect some data. So, I contacted everyone close to me. I wanted the stories. The “this person meant this, this was how I felt connected to…” stories. How many of my friends, family and acquaintances out there had felt that, had been there?

I’m going to tell you that there is a gap in generations, and people that have ever felt that deep down, you connect with me on a deeper level, person. The majority of my friends under 35 haven’t felt it, or experienced that relationship where they are your best friend and your lover, where… your souls just feel connected.

I’m still researching, collecting stories, asking the people I know about this. There’s a gap between men and women too, which isn’t surprising, since we don’t approach relationships and dating and love the same way.

If I could give advice, to all singles out there looking…

If you meet someone and they scare you a little… don’t run. That’s your heart telling you this is something different. If they don’t scare you even a tiny bit, they’re not the one. You need that fear of never seeing them again, of losing them, of not finding that… spark when you look at them. Butterfly’s. If you look someone in the eye, and never want to be away from them, listen to that. If you pour your heart out about your deepest fears or hurts and they accept you, tell you that you’re amazing, and a bright shiny star, don’t let them go. If they fight for you, cheer for you, wish for your success no matter what, and put your goals and dreams above their own desires… don’t lose that person. If they give you room to grow into the person you’re meant to be, in whatever way you need to do that, even if it means letting you go…. fight for that person. Their love will surpass anything you’ve ever felt before. Guaranteed.

I’ve been lucky… I’ve had two long term relationships that showed me how love is meant to be with someone that accepts me completely. I thought I had that connection again, but… life is funny. Timing as well as people’s perceptions are not things to be manipulated. People will accept you into their life as far as they are able to. Fear is a powerful thing, and unless they see the value in overcoming it… there’s nothing to be done.

Much love to all of you. Thanks for hanging in there with me these last couple of months. I’m still collecting stories… I’d love to hear all about those people and relationships that just made sense.

Sleep well lovelies.


The list

*** So I’ve been known to start blog posts anddddd….. not finish them. Sometimes I come back, like in this case, if it’s important, and I think this is. It’s a work in progress this blog ‘o mine.

So because I think what was written before was/is important I’m going to leave it as it was and just add to it. Look for the **** for the new stuff my friends.

I have two lifelong best friends. Both live in different states. Both have known me longer than 20 years. Both… love me regardless but are sick of me at this point.

If you read this blog you know… I messed up my chances with a really great guy recently.

One of my lovely besties told me… I needed to make a list. A list that details what I’m looking for in a man. This has been suggested to me before. I actually knew someone a long time ago that while she was single she made a list and put it away somewhere. When she met the guy she ended up marrying she was going through her things before their nuptials and found the list. She cried on the floor of her bathroom for an hour after she discovered that… her fiancé was everything she had written in the list. That, my friends, is what we call “speaking it into existence” or using the law of attraction.

It’s not magic or mumbo jumbo I promise. Look it up…

Anywho… I’ve been a sad sack lately. I’ve been subjecting my best friends, and even my mother, to my sad sack-ness. It’s awful. So my WA bestie suggested that I make a list… an actual this is what I want list about the man for me.

This exercise will likely make me cry… but what doesn’t lately?!

Here we go:

*I do reserve the right to add to this list at any point*

**also, these are in no particular order

-kindness. He must have a kind heart

-must love animals, most importantly dogs

-funny. I need my man to make me laugh and laugh with me. Life is too short and laughing is the best in any situation

-he needs to know what he wants. This one is hard. We all change our minds sometimes but I want a guy that knows the desires of his heart way down deep

-brave. I need a guy who is willing to take chances, and risks

-driven. I want him to have goals and do what it takes to achieve them

-passionate. A life lived without passion is lacking in substance

*** that was all I had lovelies. But now I’m going to add to it and update you on the state of my heart.

For starters, I’m not crying daily anymore. I berated myself for a while about my broken heart, and then woke up one day and was like “No. You aren’t going to shame yourself anymore. What you feel comes from the heart you were given by a higher power and that heart has served you well. It’s helped you parent a special needs child, be a good friend, daughter and overall compassionate person. If it’s broken… then you’re going to just let it be and cry it out till you’re done. That’s it. So stop telling yourself you should be over a man that you dated for a hot minute and be thankful that you cared so much, and were so invested that… you got another crack. We’re just gonna full that in with gold (Kintsugi) and keep it rollin’ baby. It’ll be fine.”

That was almost verbatim what I said… in my head… to myself. Yes, I’m aware of my own ridiculousness sometimes.

But it’s true. Any time you really feel something. Any time you are brave and open up your heart. Any time that you took a chance despite your own set backs and disappointments in life… that’s big and you should be proud.

So, ok, back to this list and life now.

I’m tired friends. I’m more peaceful in my heart than I have been in a while but… I’m tired.

I’ve been working on my heart, my perspective on myself, and my focus. I’m really peaceful in my soul… all the way through my whole center, but I’m emotionally wrung out. I’m happy, clear headed, but today… emotionally exhausted. And a little sick. Pounding headache… anyway…

When MW left I was shattered. My tears over that changed into tears over myself and my life and my disappointments and how I’m not where I’d like to be. Then, as I refocused, reflected and healed I found acceptance. Acceptance over who I am now, how I got here, and what I want out of life going forward.

But I’m tired. In all honesty… I need a hug. A need someone I trust, who I feel safe with, to hold me. My tiredness comes from my stress level and my anxiety from yesterday I think. Which will lead me into the next item…

Let me explain a little first though. I did some socializing yesterday with a couple new friends. It was fun. Got me out of the house. But I’m drained. My anxiety level in those situations goes up, I have to put on my “socializing face” which sounds fake but it’s not. I’m still me… just on high alert. So I woke up feeling frayed, drained, rough around the edges.

Next list item is a direct one from MW. He was soooo good at this… and I never had the chance to tell him.

-Open minded and non judgmental. I need a man who I feel safe with. For me that means I can completely be myself. I feel accepted, cared for, loved. Regardless. He’s my home base and soft place to lay my head. I can talk to him about… anything, and not feel judged.

The next several items I recognized I need because of MW. It makes me sad… he was so good for me in so many ways and… I can’t fix it. I can’t make him give me a fair chance to show him how good a relationship with the right person can be. Not assuming… of course… I’m the right person for him. It just seemed like we were somehow made for each other. We “fit”. *sigh*

-he needs to have a sense of adventure. I need someone to be willing to try new things with me, go places, explore…

-giving. I felt in 3/4 of my prior relationships that I give more than I get back from the other person. I need equal effort and a giving nature… which leads to..

-team player. I need someone to help me with the day to day, the mundane, the “adulting”.

-communication. I’m a big advocate for honest and open conversations and I need someone to communicate back. MW has always been on the upper end of this scale… till the last couple of months. I know shutting me out was a defense mechanism but, I’m still baffled as to why he decided to defend himself against me.

-independent. I know to be with someone they have to want you in their life, and possibly need you a tiny bit. I just don’t know how well it would go with someone that can’t manage the grocery store alone. Wait… take that back. Very clear picture of my ex husband just popped into my head. *eyeroll*

-honest, to the point of being vulnerable. I do this because it’s the only way to truly feel loved and understood for who you actually are. I need the same in return or things will be out of balance. I’m aware it’s a lot to ask of a man, and that it’s hard. See above item: brave.

-spiritual. I’m not going to say that he has to believe exactly what I believe about God… but it’s such a big part of who I am to pray or meditate and have faith that… I need someone I share that with that gets it.

Last one… and… I don’t know if I’ve ever, to date, had this.

-I need a guy to fight for me, for us. When things get hard… I need him to look me in the eye and say he’s not going anywhere. I’m of the opinion that it’s never too late for this to happen, and a big believer in actions speaking louder than words… but one day a guy will put up a fight for me. I am worth it!

My friend, N we’ll call her, says “all guys are the same until they’re not. The one that isn’t the same will show up, day after day, and he will stay. No matter what.”

Too true my dear friend, too true.

Heart matters

It was a rough day friends. So much going on, things I don’t even want to talk about honestly.

I’ve started and stopped so many blog posts. My thoughts are a jumble and my emotions are all over the place.

But my heart tells me it’s important to unburden a few things, so here I am, laying in bed, thinking about… the heart. Not just mine, but other’s hearts as well.

The trouble with heart matters is…until you’ve found someone that understands your heart, loves you like you need them to, and has an open heart ready for you… there’s a lot of pain involved in the in between time.

We all just naturally expect people to love like we do. To have the same hearts. They don’t. It seems baffling, but it’s just part of our individuality and uniqueness as humans. No one person is alike. It’s beautiful. No one person’s perspective or emotional process is the same. It’s hard to comprehend on an experience level. You’ll never see the world exactly as they do.

So when you meet someone, and your heart goes “ah, I know you” the soul gets a small little tug indicating the connection, you feel like… well this should be perfect and last forever. They should know exactly how to love me.

No. Just… nope. There are no guarantees like that.

My heart is pretty battered lately friends, and I know that anyone reading my posts the last few weeks can see the pain I’m in. I started to think back to last year. The bobsledder… AZ…. sketchy trail guy (I know, you didn’t even get to hear about that one). They all came to mind after Mr. W disappeared. *yes, I know we’ve discussed his real name, but it feels weird to use it. I don’t know why…

This is what I came up with and this explains a lot about why I’m having such a hard time getting over MW.

I fell for his heart.

Read it again lovelies.

That’s right… his heart.

Let me explain.

With the bobsledder it was his kindness and humor. I was looking forward to getting to know him better. Spend time. I didn’t fall in love with him. I liked the idea of him.

With AZ, it was physical but also very chemical and… I knew we’d never date so the unobtainable part was seductive. If that makes sense. Imagine your own version of… Jason Momoa. *He does look a smidge like him. No joke.* Bad boy, tattoos, muscles… you get the idea.

With Mr. W… I was attracted to him physically, but that wasn’t enough to suck me in. It was…. *sigh* his personality. His level of sensitivity. His kindness and… well, I’ve said it once, but I’ll repeat- his heart.

Let’s be clear here that the only one of the three above mentioned men am I capable of saying I was in love with was AZ. With Mr. W I didn’t get enough face to face time, and I’m not sure how it would have been with the bobsledder. No way to know now on either count. They’re both gone, just in different ways.

But back to MW… he was the most damaging and dangerous of the three. I had decided in my mind that I thought I understood his heart.

*Tsk.* Shame on me. I know better…

I am ok saying that I might have been wrong about who he is. At this point… I’m not sure he even knows what kind of guy he is. The last communication I had with him, he very clearly stated- he feels lost, and disconnected from himself.

That’s some heavy stuff readers. And… I totally get it. I’ve been there and back. Lived to tell the tale and bought the T shirt… or whatever it is that the saying goes.

Bold faced truth is this: doesn’t matter. He’s just not that into me, and I may never really hear from him again. Not… in the way I’d like to. *it does sting… a bit. Or a lot, depending on the day*

Yes. I’m working on letting that sink in while mending my heart about it. As I’ve said… soul tug, felt safe, heart invested…

I fell for my perception of the heart he has…

I really don’t want to question his honesty or if I just let myself me mislead. I feel like it was real for me, he was real with me, and I will never know what level of truth we were really at friends. Whomever he was at the time we were chatting… that’s the guy I would have given anything for. That’s the guy that I wanted to talk to, every day, for hours about everything and nothing. That’s the guy that it wasn’t just about how he looked, or his job, or money, or anything surface or material… and that’s how I know it was dangerous. And real. Not quite “L” word… but it would have been. That I DO KNOW.

No wonder I scared him away… he could probably smell the impending “love situation” on me… it was likely written all over my face. *facepalm*

And to me… that’s the lesson. That’s the “take away”. I need to remember what it was about him that made me wanna commit after being single this long and swearing I’d never settle again, and apply that to any guy going forward.

Because my sweet followers… the overall feeling in my gut now is that… he was a lesson. A big one. He was a mile marker to show me where to turn and what to look for going forward. He drew me a diagram and a map of the type of heart I want and need in a man.

I still really wish it had been him. I wish he’d been the one to stay. The one to love me like I know I deserve and need. My mind still remembers the last look he gave me, those eyes, all the things left unsaid on his face…

I refuse to think I made that stuff up.

I miss him still. Every moment of every day.

And I’m just waiting for that to go away…