This blog… has been my outlet. Sometimes my only one. It’s been 3ish months friends and lots has happened. Lots.
I got a new position at work. It will be so very good for me. I’m excited to do something new, to help people in a different way. I’m overly excited to get away from my previous manager. We’ll call her Nelly… negative Nelly.
I got a different car. I moved. I lost a good friend (more to come on that) and I’ve gone to a different place in my mind.
Different scenery invokes different thoughts and feelings sometimes.
“Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.” Seneca
Someone, anonymously of course, has been reading this blog almost daily for the last month. I’m not upset or disturbed by this, more interested than anything. I haven’t written in at least 90 days yet… there’s the stats.
I put everything out there… I hold none of my feelings back here. I don’t write about the day-to-day because there’s no need to know that work was long, dinner was normal, sleep was ok. If I have something specific on my mind that won’t leave my head… I turn to this outlet. However life has changed for me in a positive way. Now I think about TODAY, not yesterday, last week, or last year. Those are done and gone.
I hope anyone regularly looking at the drivel I put here is at least getting something helpful out of it, because I can see no other reason to look back over my… past I suppose.
I had a close friend, well… to me he was a friend, and recently he’s decided to step away from me and our interactions. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written about him but I remember specifically not wanting to invade his privacy by writing about him publicly online. This doesn’t mean he wasn’t important to me, merely that I know there are boundaries for other people that I need to respect.
I’m sad and I miss him but I’m not surprised. Love is a funny thing. Most would tell you it’s not selfish, but the truth is it can be that way in your mind. You want something from someone for YOU, it’s about your desire or your need/want. That… is not true love. That’s something else. But it feels like love. That kind will make you forget what’s important: we only get this one life. If someone makes you happy, makes you smile, makes you feel loved… then don’t focus on how they won’t change to fit into your relationship ideals. That… is not why they were put into your life.
Which leads me to this….
I thought long and hard about the last man I loved, and asked myself if I was entirely fair. I pronounced my feelings in a very bold, hard to misread way. But did I do it for me, for him, or because… I felt lead to?
I will say this… I did it in a very brave and bold manner for me and got what I expected. The need to speak to him vanished. Need, not want. I’d still be friends with him now if he wanted that. He didn’t… and so I accepted his brief role in my life, sent him good thoughts and goodwill… and went about living the rest of my life with that part of my heart. The part I gave him without his request or permission mind you. See? Selfish to a point.
I was of course sad. How do you get over someone you loved but never had the chance to be with? But I knew… somehow… I knew he needed to be told. He needed to hear that despite what seemed like an impossible situation, that my heart loved him, and let him go, to be happy in whatever manner he chose. I pray now… regularly, that he is happy. I have to think God hears me.
But back to Anonymous. This blog, this little corner of the internet, has been my safe space, my sounding board, my relief. I think now that I’m trying to live more in the present, goal oriented, out loud and bravely, I don’t maybe need this space as much. Anonymous… maybe you need to find a way to do that too. Maybe, the past is just that. Maybe… it’s forward we all need to look. Maybe.
So, as always, I send you all love. I hope everyone is finding that calm place in their minds everyday, that smile that comes to their face without thinking, and the bravery to live truly, honestly, every day.