Just for today.

I start new chapter today. It’s not a bad thing but my heart is a little sad anyway. My journey through the legal system with my ex is finally done. I should be relieved. Instead… I’m sad. I’m down. I’m looking for my smile and my positivity.

He’s not doing well at the moment either. He needs eye surgery… worried he will go blind. Worried he won’t be able to care for himself or our son. I feel for him. I chose to do parts of my journey in this life with him and so I can’t ever let him sit in the dark alone. I’m not in love with him. He’s not my person. But my son needs him, loves him… he is his father. I will always help him in any way I can without enabling a dependency I can’t live my life with.

So here we are. This place that doesn’t feel comfortable. That doesn’t feel like a relief. Only… an end.

My beginning is still possible. I am fully able to go love someone else, the right someone else, for the rest of my life. I believe in love, and I know I’ll marry again. My heart has already mended and… I am happy. I just… for this day… today… feel the loss as maybe my ex does. I think it’s possible… he really did love me… in his own way. For that, I am sorry I couldn’t love him back. Not the same way.

It’s just for today. I’m allowed to feel all the things… today. Then tomorrow, I pick myself back up, and walk the path I put myself on so many months ago.

Today I will rest, reset, reflect, and refrain from self criticism.

I’ll just take a seat on the edge of this trail I’m on, and give myself a break.

Just for today.

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Are you done yet?!?!

*angry letter to myself*

Are you done feeling shitty about yourself yet?

Are you done counting your flaws and lining them up for inspection in your mind?

Are you done looking down on that soft heart that is a huge part of who you are?

Are you done feeling like you’ve failed… like you’re not good enough?

Are you done denying your greatness and your potential?

Are you done listening to the voice that tells you that you’ve asked too much, you give you much, you feel too much?

Are you done building that wall around your heart that you think no one knows is there but you?

Are you done pushing people who love you away?

Are you done hoping someone, anyone, will save you from yourself?

Are you done feeling small, unimportant, unloved, unworthy?

Are you done questioning your truth?

Are you done crying?

Are you done mourning choices you can’t take back?

Are you done telling people you’re “fine”?

Are you done using your body to forget yourself and your pain?

Are you done being angry that your plan for life didn’t pan out?

Are you done comparing yourself to people who have no idea what you’ve been through or how you’ve handled trauma, stress, mental health issues, illness?

Are you done wishing you were someone other than YOU?

Are you done regretting choices you made with the knowledge you had at the time?

Are you done asking to be done?

Are you done telling God you can’t do it anymore?

Are you done thinking about how to be done?

Are you done looking for love outside of yourself?

Are you done taking out your sadness on your body, on your heart?

Are you done giving people advice you should be listening to yourself?

ARE YOU QUITE DONE?!

Because Cyndi… I’m here to tell you it’s long past time. Don’t listen to other people tell you that you’re worth fighting for. Know it and fight for yourself!

There is no other life. There is no other time. You don’t get to take anything back. You don’t get “do-overs”.

If no one else ever shows you love… show it to yourself.

Don’t let someone not choosing you, or divorce, or age, or economics make you feel like you can’t or won’t do something….anything.

Wake the FUCK UP! Look around! Remember that you have a purpose, a life, a path. Remember that there’s no way to measure your impact on others. You may have helped someone get farther in life than they would have without you. You may have made an impression that changed how they think or what they do. You may have been the person that loved them when they needed it most.

Are you DONE with all of the things that weigh you down?!?!

Cuz… we’re wasting time here… letting our sadness and doubt and stress marinate in our bones. Wasting! Time!

No one can do this for you. No one can love you big enough to convince you that you deserve it.

Just… are you done yet?!?!

The darkness of 4am

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m going to attribute it to stress. My little boy has been really sick with different things for about 3 weeks. First it was a stomach bug that put him in the hospital, and then he got strep. Add all of that stress to unpaid time off and specialist visits and you can see why I’m completely exhausted.

My mama heart hurts, and is worn down. I’ve needed a hug and someone to hold me for a bit. If I could be so vulnerable and honest as to say… that’s the biggest thing I miss about having a significant other… is that soft place to lay my head… it’s that safe space that someone who loves you creates. I need someone to be there when I can’t be strong anymore. I need someone to wrap me in love and tell me it’s ok to breakdown/rest/cry/be angry/be sad/just be. I don’t need anyone to fix things or fix me… I just need love. I miss that kind of love. You, dear reader, are the only one I’m telling this to… for now.

I have so many things that race around my head here in the dark but the biggest is this: where would I be if_____?

There’s so many words that belong in that blank space. It’s not an easily answered question no matter what you put there but it can be the beginning of… gratitude.

When I was at my lowest, long before I was a mom, I learned that gratitude fills in so many painful cracks that spider across my heart. It’s like the Japanese art of filling cracks with gold. Gratitude expands and shines, and makes something once so painful, beautiful instead. It seals my pieces together again and makes me… me.

I’m reading a book right now that talks about human suffering as the catalyst to change. That there will always be struggles, but we pick the ones that mean something to us. Pain is all part of the process.

I’m working on gratitude. Daily. It’s my biggest focus. Finding the things that I’m so thankful for, even if it was a painful thing to go through.

One last thought: when things happen, and I wanna disregard God’s hand in it, all it takes is time and space for me to recognize the truth. The real truth.

So that’s what I’m taking now: time and space.

Connection

About a week ago I got the chance to have dinner with an ex boyfriend. My ex from when I was 19. We’ve kept in touch and been friends over the years. He’s met my son, I’ve seen videos and pictures of his son. It’s all very…. sweet. I suppose.

In all seriousness, I hadn’t seen him since Avery was a baby and he wasn’t even married with a son himself yet. Sometimes, it’s hard to sever the ties from your past, and in his case I’ve never had a reason to. This is one of those guy that’s always cared deeply about me and my well-being. Which brings me to the heart of this post…

For anyone that’s either with their person now, or met the one that put your heart at ease, you’ll get this. This ex, we’ll call him J for his own privacy, was one of 2 & 1/2 guys in my life that I felt a deep connection with (we’ll maybe come back to the 1/2). The kind that you don’t find often. They just fit. They feel/felt like…. home.

This all sounds wishy washy, and I get that, but it’s the only way I know how to explain that feeling you get when you meet or date that person your heart beats for. The connection is undeniable and on a deeper level you just… know that your life will never be the same. You look into that persons eyes and see… possibility and acceptance, an understanding and something that just… makes sense. They see you, and know who you are on a soul based level.

So, back to dinner with J. We caught up, laughed about old times. We talked about how dating is now, how the internet and online dating apps are ruining relationships.

I know I sound old when I say that, but to an extent it’s true. You meet someone, it seems good but either something happens, insecurity creeps in, or either of you has FOMO, you/they start to wonder if something better is “out there”….

When there’s s giant catalog of people online to flip through and choose from you lose focus on what’s important and what’s right in front of you. Connections aren’t made the same way, or valued for their rarity and uniqueness. You could look into the eyes of your soulmate and still wanna… see what else is out there.

Seems wrong on so many levels. But, it’s the truth.

I asked J how many people he felt that strong… bond, pull, connection to before he got married.

“Besides my wife? Two, and you were one of them.”

Now to be clear friends, nothing fishy was going on here. J and I have kept in touch as close friends because we helped each other through tough periods in time during our early 20’s. We both had family issues, and I battled my worst bouts of depression between the ages of 18-28. He’s always known when I was struggling and exactly what to say. He’s been a blessing in my life from the beginning.

The same can be said of M, my second deeply connected bf from the past. He can tell through text what my mood is regardless of what I say to him. Crazy stuff people. But when you connect on that level… it doesn’t just disappear because of time or distance apart.

J said it took him 15 years to find the connection, recognize it, and know that he couldn’t let this one go. But… it took him a long time. It’s a rare thing, and it’s a learning process to get through your own crap and not let it go.

I’m a thinker as you all know, and I wanted to collect some data. So, I contacted everyone close to me. I wanted the stories. The “this person meant this, this was how I felt connected to…” stories. How many of my friends, family and acquaintances out there had felt that, had been there?

I’m going to tell you that there is a gap in generations, and people that have ever felt that deep down, you connect with me on a deeper level, person. The majority of my friends under 35 haven’t felt it, or experienced that relationship where they are your best friend and your lover, where… your souls just feel connected.

I’m still researching, collecting stories, asking the people I know about this. There’s a gap between men and women too, which isn’t surprising, since we don’t approach relationships and dating and love the same way.

If I could give advice, to all singles out there looking…

If you meet someone and they scare you a little… don’t run. That’s your heart telling you this is something different. If they don’t scare you even a tiny bit, they’re not the one. You need that fear of never seeing them again, of losing them, of not finding that… spark when you look at them. Butterfly’s. If you look someone in the eye, and never want to be away from them, listen to that. If you pour your heart out about your deepest fears or hurts and they accept you, tell you that you’re amazing, and a bright shiny star, don’t let them go. If they fight for you, cheer for you, wish for your success no matter what, and put your goals and dreams above their own desires… don’t lose that person. If they give you room to grow into the person you’re meant to be, in whatever way you need to do that, even if it means letting you go…. fight for that person. Their love will surpass anything you’ve ever felt before. Guaranteed.

I’ve been lucky… I’ve had two long term relationships that showed me how love is meant to be with someone that accepts me completely. I thought I had that connection again, but… life is funny. Timing as well as people’s perceptions are not things to be manipulated. People will accept you into their life as far as they are able to. Fear is a powerful thing, and unless they see the value in overcoming it… there’s nothing to be done.

Much love to all of you. Thanks for hanging in there with me these last couple of months. I’m still collecting stories… I’d love to hear all about those people and relationships that just made sense.

Sleep well lovelies.

C