About a week ago I got the chance to have dinner with an ex boyfriend. My ex from when I was 19. We’ve kept in touch and been friends over the years. He’s met my son, I’ve seen videos and pictures of his son. It’s all very…. sweet. I suppose.
In all seriousness, I hadn’t seen him since Avery was a baby and he wasn’t even married with a son himself yet. Sometimes, it’s hard to sever the ties from your past, and in his case I’ve never had a reason to. This is one of those guy that’s always cared deeply about me and my well-being. Which brings me to the heart of this post…
For anyone that’s either with their person now, or met the one that put your heart at ease, you’ll get this. This ex, we’ll call him J for his own privacy, was one of 2 & 1/2 guys in my life that I felt a deep connection with (we’ll maybe come back to the 1/2). The kind that you don’t find often. They just fit. They feel/felt like…. home.
This all sounds wishy washy, and I get that, but it’s the only way I know how to explain that feeling you get when you meet or date that person your heart beats for. The connection is undeniable and on a deeper level you just… know that your life will never be the same. You look into that persons eyes and see… possibility and acceptance, an understanding and something that just… makes sense. They see you, and know who you are on a soul based level.
So, back to dinner with J. We caught up, laughed about old times. We talked about how dating is now, how the internet and online dating apps are ruining relationships.
I know I sound old when I say that, but to an extent it’s true. You meet someone, it seems good but either something happens, insecurity creeps in, or either of you has FOMO, you/they start to wonder if something better is “out there”….
When there’s s giant catalog of people online to flip through and choose from you lose focus on what’s important and what’s right in front of you. Connections aren’t made the same way, or valued for their rarity and uniqueness. You could look into the eyes of your soulmate and still wanna… see what else is out there.
Seems wrong on so many levels. But, it’s the truth.
I asked J how many people he felt that strong… bond, pull, connection to before he got married.
“Besides my wife? Two, and you were one of them.”
Now to be clear friends, nothing fishy was going on here. J and I have kept in touch as close friends because we helped each other through tough periods in time during our early 20’s. We both had family issues, and I battled my worst bouts of depression between the ages of 18-28. He’s always known when I was struggling and exactly what to say. He’s been a blessing in my life from the beginning.
The same can be said of M, my second deeply connected bf from the past. He can tell through text what my mood is regardless of what I say to him. Crazy stuff people. But when you connect on that level… it doesn’t just disappear because of time or distance apart.
J said it took him 15 years to find the connection, recognize it, and know that he couldn’t let this one go. But… it took him a long time. It’s a rare thing, and it’s a learning process to get through your own crap and not let it go.
I’m a thinker as you all know, and I wanted to collect some data. So, I contacted everyone close to me. I wanted the stories. The “this person meant this, this was how I felt connected to…” stories. How many of my friends, family and acquaintances out there had felt that, had been there?
I’m going to tell you that there is a gap in generations, and people that have ever felt that deep down, you connect with me on a deeper level, person. The majority of my friends under 35 haven’t felt it, or experienced that relationship where they are your best friend and your lover, where… your souls just feel connected.
I’m still researching, collecting stories, asking the people I know about this. There’s a gap between men and women too, which isn’t surprising, since we don’t approach relationships and dating and love the same way.
If I could give advice, to all singles out there looking…
If you meet someone and they scare you a little… don’t run. That’s your heart telling you this is something different. If they don’t scare you even a tiny bit, they’re not the one. You need that fear of never seeing them again, of losing them, of not finding that… spark when you look at them. Butterfly’s. If you look someone in the eye, and never want to be away from them, listen to that. If you pour your heart out about your deepest fears or hurts and they accept you, tell you that you’re amazing, and a bright shiny star, don’t let them go. If they fight for you, cheer for you, wish for your success no matter what, and put your goals and dreams above their own desires… don’t lose that person. If they give you room to grow into the person you’re meant to be, in whatever way you need to do that, even if it means letting you go…. fight for that person. Their love will surpass anything you’ve ever felt before. Guaranteed.
I’ve been lucky… I’ve had two long term relationships that showed me how love is meant to be with someone that accepts me completely. I thought I had that connection again, but… life is funny. Timing as well as people’s perceptions are not things to be manipulated. People will accept you into their life as far as they are able to. Fear is a powerful thing, and unless they see the value in overcoming it… there’s nothing to be done.
Much love to all of you. Thanks for hanging in there with me these last couple of months. I’m still collecting stories… I’d love to hear all about those people and relationships that just made sense.
Sleep well lovelies.