I’ve only ever told one person the next few things I’m going to write about here. I think to understand someone you have to know where they are coming from. I think you, dear readers, are going to get a piece of me today.
I didn’t get married for the right reasons me. I was afraid of being alone with a child and ready for a family. It wasn’t a fairytale where I fell in love with him and we lived happily ever after. I have love for him but I was never in love with him. Big difference.
When we were about 2 years in I remember thinking in the shower one day “God couldn’t possibly want me to be unhappy for the rest of my life. Right? I wasn’t made so that I could be sad and never have true love again. That can’t possibly be the truth.”
It would take me another 2 years to figure out if I could leave, and how that would go. In that time I did what any mom would do- I focused on my baby and keeping things “normal” at home.
I was the version of depressed that you no longer think about. It has engulfed your whole life and you forget you have any other options. I sat with my depression every day like it was a close friend. We shared everything from my quiet time, sitting alone during my baby’s nap, to the moments in between normal life where I almost forgot that we were handcuffed together. It was the silence that rang in my ears every day.
When I moved to Colorado, away from all of my people, depression became desperate and started snapping and biting me. It demanded attention and to be fed all of my self loathing and doubt and loneliness every day.
No matter what was going on with me and my husband at the time I was not in the place where I recognized I deserved more. I didn’t see who I was or who I could be any longer. I was a shell with hollowed out eyes walking around. I didn’t care about anything except my son. And I still prayed to God to save me. Save me from my bleak existence. Save me from eternal loneliness and depression. Save me from myself.
When I say I was standing on the edge of a cliff in my mind I mean it. I was at the point where the black abyss below me looked like a comforting thing that could swallow me whole and finish it all for me.
There are a couple of things that happened that absolutely saved my life. My child’s eyes, my new job, and a man I met.
I got a job 3 months after I got to Co Springs. My husband had been calling me a “freeloader” to my face since we moved. Accusing me, his wife of 4 years, of just wanting to live off of him. I had no daycare for my son, and we lived outside of the city on an isolated military base. But, I was not “earning my keep” because our toddler kept me so busy I didn’t always have the house spotless and dinner on the “table” when he got home.
I tell you this not to bash him but to paint the picture of how life had become. I said “Hi” to Bessy, the cows that were literally in our back yard, every morning, entertained my busy non-verbal 4 yr old, and tried to get housework done. No adult interaction most days till daddy got home, and then he usually had harsh things to say and spent the rest of the evening on the couch playing a video game or watching tv.
So, I got a job. I now work for a company that I love and turned out to be one of the best things for me. I met lifelong friends and found my way out of a bad place in life all because my ex thought I needed to “earn my keep”. This job provided me with the means to move out and start fresh. It was also the connector to another important occurrence in my life and the reason I met an important person. None of which I could have known starting again in insurance.
During one of my soon to be ex’s many TDY’s I found myself crying in the tub before bed. My son, who should have been in bed but escaped, came into the bathroom, sat next to the tub, and patted me on the arm. Being autistic my baby isn’t one to always recognize emotion but that night he looked mommy in the eye, took my face in his little hands and squeezed my cheeks. Then he gave me a kiss and went looking for snacks.
That weekend after my husband got home I had to take one of our cars to get the oil changed. Shortest version goes like this: it didn’t go well and I had to take it to AutoZone after it was serviced. I was not having a good day and the man that helped me was so kind. I talked to him about my new job, my autistic son, and how hard it is to start over in a new state. I told him he should apply at my work, gave him my number so I could refer him, and left.
I didn’t think twice about any of it. I didn’t wait to hear from him. I wasn’t thinking about any of it making any difference in my life. But that’s how it usually goes right?!
Three days before that important Saturday I was asking myself and God how I could end all of it and know my babe, my sweet boy, would be ok without me. God answered but I didn’t know it was a reply till so much later.
The man that I met became what I would call a conduit for the voice from above. I doubt he knows that, but at my darkest place in life God sent me someone to show me the good. To remind me of how chemistry works, to see myself through others eyes, and that I can positively effect others lives as well.
It’s been a year and I look around and know that without those 3 things-job, little boy, stranger that became a friend-I wouldn’t be where I am.
There’s clearly so much more to the story but for the purposes of this post the point is this:
You meet people, go through things, and experience hardship all to get to a better/different place in life. No exceptions.
There is no one that will completely understand your journey or see life through your eyes. The path you walk is yours alone. But try to walk that path with clear eyes. See what and who have been put there to guide and assist you. We aren’t meant to live this life alone and you never know what this journey has for you. Focus on your own trek and nth on others and whatever you do don’t judge. You have no idea what lead someone else to where they are.