Just for today.

I start new chapter today. It’s not a bad thing but my heart is a little sad anyway. My journey through the legal system with my ex is finally done. I should be relieved. Instead… I’m sad. I’m down. I’m looking for my smile and my positivity.

He’s not doing well at the moment either. He needs eye surgery… worried he will go blind. Worried he won’t be able to care for himself or our son. I feel for him. I chose to do parts of my journey in this life with him and so I can’t ever let him sit in the dark alone. I’m not in love with him. He’s not my person. But my son needs him, loves him… he is his father. I will always help him in any way I can without enabling a dependency I can’t live my life with.

So here we are. This place that doesn’t feel comfortable. That doesn’t feel like a relief. Only… an end.

My beginning is still possible. I am fully able to go love someone else, the right someone else, for the rest of my life. I believe in love, and I know I’ll marry again. My heart has already mended and… I am happy. I just… for this day… today… feel the loss as maybe my ex does. I think it’s possible… he really did love me… in his own way. For that, I am sorry I couldn’t love him back. Not the same way.

It’s just for today. I’m allowed to feel all the things… today. Then tomorrow, I pick myself back up, and walk the path I put myself on so many months ago.

Today I will rest, reset, reflect, and refrain from self criticism.

I’ll just take a seat on the edge of this trail I’m on, and give myself a break.

Just for today.

Are you done yet?!?!

*angry letter to myself*

Are you done feeling shitty about yourself yet?

Are you done counting your flaws and lining them up for inspection in your mind?

Are you done looking down on that soft heart that is a huge part of who you are?

Are you done feeling like you’ve failed… like you’re not good enough?

Are you done denying your greatness and your potential?

Are you done listening to the voice that tells you that you’ve asked too much, you give you much, you feel too much?

Are you done building that wall around your heart that you think no one knows is there but you?

Are you done pushing people who love you away?

Are you done hoping someone, anyone, will save you from yourself?

Are you done feeling small, unimportant, unloved, unworthy?

Are you done questioning your truth?

Are you done crying?

Are you done mourning choices you can’t take back?

Are you done telling people you’re “fine”?

Are you done using your body to forget yourself and your pain?

Are you done being angry that your plan for life didn’t pan out?

Are you done comparing yourself to people who have no idea what you’ve been through or how you’ve handled trauma, stress, mental health issues, illness?

Are you done wishing you were someone other than YOU?

Are you done regretting choices you made with the knowledge you had at the time?

Are you done asking to be done?

Are you done telling God you can’t do it anymore?

Are you done thinking about how to be done?

Are you done looking for love outside of yourself?

Are you done taking out your sadness on your body, on your heart?

Are you done giving people advice you should be listening to yourself?

ARE YOU QUITE DONE?!

Because Cyndi… I’m here to tell you it’s long past time. Don’t listen to other people tell you that you’re worth fighting for. Know it and fight for yourself!

There is no other life. There is no other time. You don’t get to take anything back. You don’t get “do-overs”.

If no one else ever shows you love… show it to yourself.

Don’t let someone not choosing you, or divorce, or age, or economics make you feel like you can’t or won’t do something….anything.

Wake the FUCK UP! Look around! Remember that you have a purpose, a life, a path. Remember that there’s no way to measure your impact on others. You may have helped someone get farther in life than they would have without you. You may have made an impression that changed how they think or what they do. You may have been the person that loved them when they needed it most.

Are you DONE with all of the things that weigh you down?!?!

Cuz… we’re wasting time here… letting our sadness and doubt and stress marinate in our bones. Wasting! Time!

No one can do this for you. No one can love you big enough to convince you that you deserve it.

Just… are you done yet?!?!

The darkness of 4am

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m going to attribute it to stress. My little boy has been really sick with different things for about 3 weeks. First it was a stomach bug that put him in the hospital, and then he got strep. Add all of that stress to unpaid time off and specialist visits and you can see why I’m completely exhausted.

My mama heart hurts, and is worn down. I’ve needed a hug and someone to hold me for a bit. If I could be so vulnerable and honest as to say… that’s the biggest thing I miss about having a significant other… is that soft place to lay my head… it’s that safe space that someone who loves you creates. I need someone to be there when I can’t be strong anymore. I need someone to wrap me in love and tell me it’s ok to breakdown/rest/cry/be angry/be sad/just be. I don’t need anyone to fix things or fix me… I just need love. I miss that kind of love. You, dear reader, are the only one I’m telling this to… for now.

I have so many things that race around my head here in the dark but the biggest is this: where would I be if_____?

There’s so many words that belong in that blank space. It’s not an easily answered question no matter what you put there but it can be the beginning of… gratitude.

When I was at my lowest, long before I was a mom, I learned that gratitude fills in so many painful cracks that spider across my heart. It’s like the Japanese art of filling cracks with gold. Gratitude expands and shines, and makes something once so painful, beautiful instead. It seals my pieces together again and makes me… me.

I’m reading a book right now that talks about human suffering as the catalyst to change. That there will always be struggles, but we pick the ones that mean something to us. Pain is all part of the process.

I’m working on gratitude. Daily. It’s my biggest focus. Finding the things that I’m so thankful for, even if it was a painful thing to go through.

One last thought: when things happen, and I wanna disregard God’s hand in it, all it takes is time and space for me to recognize the truth. The real truth.

So that’s what I’m taking now: time and space.