Sit with the pain

Life kinda feels like a giant bucket of suck right now. I feel like Eyore when I talk to my friends. Just in case you’re behind, let’s do a review of why I’m down….

-40th Birthday, by myself

-Had a cold that tried to kill me

-My work from home process isn’t going well, dragging out, stressing me out…

-My son’s therapist quit us

-His daycare quit us

-I lost my friend… or, it feels like I lost him.

-I have court next week. *more on this I’m sure*

So, ok. Everything is about perspective BUT sometimes when nothing seems to be going well… you just gotta sit, cop a squat, right in the middle of the suckfest and take it all in. Breathe deep. Work through things in your mind. Accept that you’re in this exact spot for a reason.

I’ve done my crying, hot bath sitting, book reading, praying, distracting, drinking, socializing, walking and more. All of it with the intent to get through this funk. Only thing left is just.. feel it. Shut it all down, close it all off, and work through it.

No distractions. No outside voices or noise. Just, me, my thoughts, and well… God.

*you knew I’d say it*

I’m dropping off my puppy tonight, and doing just that. If I’m honest I might journal. But my therapy has always been writing. Always.

I process pretty quickly sometimes when I want to do the work and sort through all my bad feelings and thoughts. If I’m not feeling ready to face my own garbage and figure out how to be better, do better well… we all know how that goes. I just get stuck.

The best way out is… love. Love for myself. Love for those willing to wait out my dark periods and still be part of my journey. Love for my life, and gratitude for all of it. But mostly I gotta embrace the rough stuff that keeps me tender hearted and humble. I don’t have all the answers but I try my best to put as much good into the world as possible.

My longtime guy friend says I have a “beautiful soul”, and I shouldn’t let any person or circumstance change that.

Ok. Got it. Don’t change my heart for anything.

I’ll be here. Just feelin’ all the feels. Just makin’ it till tomorrow. Just workin’ out all the negative stuff in my head.

Don’t worry dear friends, I’ll see you on the other side.

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Do the work

The last two weeks have gone by quickly yet seemed to be excruciating despite how quickly it went.

When you feel awful emotionally time is funny. Depression and anxiety distort things like a fun house mirror.

I’ve stayed busy. For me, it helps me not wallow and dig myself a giant hole if I get out of the house. I need people and sunshine and exercise and laughter. I need to not close myself off.

Doesn’t mean my sadness or depression are gone. Doesn’t mean I don’t still feel a little raw, bruised, sore… hurt. I process things quickly but not that quickly. I’ll be sad in the background of my mind for a bit. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t. What happened with Mr. W was real… for me.

But here’s the thing… I know it was for a reason. I know God has been telling me something for a bit and I was not able or ready to hear it.

So ok, I know what it is I’m being told by the creator. The man or women upstairs brought me to this point and now I need to do the work. The work I’ve been avoiding. The hard, heart based, life changing, work.

In the past when sadness hit me I’d wallow. I’d sit still and stew and overthink until I’d made myself crazy and cried literal rivers. It became my comfortable spot to do that and be depressed and get sucked in.

I’m done with that. It served no purpose to ruminate like that. To marinate in sadness and disappointment.

The only way to change your situation is to do something different. You gotta put in the effort to work through all the stuff… all of your own garbage. It’s worth it but there are things needed to do it.

It requires quiet and thought, meditation sometimes and journaling or talking to someone. However it works to move forward for you, learn what you’re supposed to, change your perspective or the angle you approach things, just do it already.

*My inner voice is bossy!*

For me I have always written. When I was a child I kept journals. Now, I write in this blog, a separate journal, talk to a therapist occasionally, talk to my friends… my people, and have about 3 self help books I’m in the middle of.

But I’m extra, and I know, so you don’t have to tell me.

It’s all a process. We all have our own steps to go through in our heads and our hearts to reach some peace. Some people’s processes involves numbing it all out for a while. I get the urge to do that once in a while but I don’t have the time to waste…

One life. That’s all we’re given.

As Robert Frost wrote, “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”

Hurt

I’m so sorry dear reader…

This is me taking a moment to scream into the night.

To throw things.

To curl up in a ball in the dark and cry.

This space right here… this has always been my safe space.

This corner of the internet has been my sounding board when I didn’t want to bother my “people” with consoling me anymore.

I’m so sad. Hurt all the way through to my core. And this is where I’m going to write it all out… and leave it.

I’m dropping off my hurt feelings and sadness here.

Because I can’t keep doing it without letting it go.

And… I can’t tell him. He’s in the wind. Probably nursing his own heart. Maybe. Or… just moving on. Getting back into his routine. The one developed long before I was even someone he thought about meeting.

Guess I should try to do the same.

I said try.

So here we are. It’s just you and me anonymous reader.

Could you hug me please?

Could you send good thoughts, happy vibes? Please…?

I’ve prayed. Wept. Slept. Written. Ranted. Eaten. Driven. Bathed. Sat. Read.

All the things.

Nothing helps. It hurts. He was my friend once. Above all else… he listened and made me feel safe. I cried in front of him… three-ish weeks together after he came home, and he saw me cry.

He was someone I would have called my person… eventually.

My mind chose him. But better yet… so did my heart. My finicky, frayed around the edges, love loud and big, heart.

He wasn’t like any guy before him, which is a dumb thing to say. No one is really like anyone else.

But with him I had laughter. I had his funny, sweet, generous, amazing personality. I had a friend before I had anything else. A good friend that I had an unexpected unexplainable connection with.

If you’ve read this blog for more than a year you’re going to wonder how he’s different from AZ… or the bobsledder…

I know I feel too deeply, it’s true.

But here’s the difference between him and the others:

Our connection. The level we seemed to understand each other. He felt like… home.

I may have been the only one to feel that. It happens.

What I remember now and is hard to let go…

How he made me feel. How he treated me. How… in his own way, for a brief time, he valued me. I felt important to him.

Do you know how big that is?!

Now that he’s gone… I’m trying to feel important to myself. I’m trying to put me first.

Any idea how hard that is for me?! It’s not in my nature…

But he won’t talk to me. So we can’t even talk each other through this… we can’t even lean on each other.

Really… for all I know… he’s mad at me. Hates the thought of how things went. I got scared… told him I didn’t think I was right for him. His uncertainty of a relationship made me question… if it was me. I just wanted him to tell me it wasn’t.

But that my friends is the problem.

Things like this aren’t personal. It’s not me. Somewhere in my mind I know that. Somewhere.

I’m lost my friends. Lost and sad and hurt, yet expected to carry on and act like I’m not.

I miss my friend. We were supposed to “stay in touch” but… I guess he doesn’t want to.

My best friend said that maybe he can’t be my friend. Maybe he doesn’t want me to hang on for 7 months.

Maybe.

A month ago he would have just told me that. If he really cared he’d tell me that now…

All the things I can’t and won’t get to tell him swirl around in my head.

As I try not to lump him in with any other guy who hurt me.

All of this feels like a game. I want to tell him I miss him. Blow up his phone with texts that he will ignore. Ignoring how I feel and that I miss him feels disingenuous.

As I lay in bed I know… I’ll never be the same.

Trust

Today has been…. different. I started it out with scripture and prayer but that wasn’t the only thing that happened. I think… the Holy Spirit was with me today.

Ok, before you close this post shaking your head and thinking I’m nuts let me tell you how this went. I’m… baffled too. Honestly.

I found my bible after looking for it for a few days. It had concerned me that it went missing in my last move into this apartment. But when I found it I knew I had to try reading it again.

So this morning, I rubbed my eyes, and opened it to proverbs. As I turned to the right section my bible advised me that… that chapter was written by Solomon. Solomon is my new puppy’s name.

I was in the right spot.

I got into it a little to chapter 3 vs 5 & 6 and stopped.

“Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.”

Ok. Got it. Then I started to get ready for work. Took the puppy… Solomon… out and was going to leave when I got a call from my son’s school. His father had forgotten to go to an important end of school year meeting this morning so I had to do it over the phone.

By the time I got to work I didn’t feel well. My anxiety had sky rocketed and my stomach was alllllll off. I was feeling emotional and shaky and sick. I took my first break, called my best friend and FaceTimed another friend and went back to work.

My next call was a doozey and I had to escalate to my manager for her to take it. It shook me up further and I ended up in the ladies room crying and asking God to help me. Where was he?!

I tried to have lunch but failed to eat and decided to go home. I was useless today and… I didn’t know where the day had gone wrong.

Here’s where it all took a turn. I had texted my friend Aya before I left asking if she was working. I can’t tell you what possessed me to do that but… I did.

She was asking me to lunch via text as I was walking out the door at work.

Aya used to be my apartment manager at my old apartment building. Because of management rules we weren’t allowed to be friends until I moved out.

When I first met her, she told me then we’d be friends. She pointed to me and said it would happen. She chose me.

This was the second time we were hanging out and I really felt like God had put her in my life. Of course… God puts everyone in our lives but the pull towards her for spiritual reasons was obvious to me.

So, we went to lunch today. Just an hour and… I heard God speak to me through her. She listened to my heartbreak and pain from the last few days and gave me some wise words and a lot of understanding and empathy. This is what I got:

-wait. Now is not the time and I need to wait.

-we don’t define ourselves by our mistakes.

-we can’t just spend 5 mins a day in prayer, or with scriptures, if we really want to hear what God is telling us.

-God always answers in one way or another.

-I need to forgive myself… and others, if I want to move on in life.

-I need to put situations I can’t control out of my mind and… wait.

When I dropped her back off at work I felt enlightened. Spoken to. Loved. I know… weird, but true.

I told her I felt like God put her in my life. She smiled and said “I told you we’d be friends”.

I asked God where he was… and he sent me Aya. He gave me her love, acceptance, friendship, wisdom…

But this isn’t even the end. She asked me to take her Redbox movies back for her since I had one more errand to run.

After I took them I realized she’d given me one empty case. So I texted her.

Oopsie.

On the way to take her the case I remembered my bible verse this morning.

“Trust in the lord with all your heart….”

I told Aya what my verse this morning was. She said “That’s good advice” and she smiled. Then she told me she had something for me.

She gave me a book to help guide me through scripture based on what’s going on in my life.

Tears came into my eyes and I told her she was going to make me cry. She had to take a phone call so I mouthed “thank you” at her, ducked my head so one one coming in would see I was crying and walked out the door to my car.

Ok God… I got it. Message received.

I have had a few things happen in my life, a few times I knew God spoke to me. Today… even when it seemed he was missing, he was sitting with me. He was right by my side… all day.

I don’t know… without my faith, without God’s love, where I’d be. I don’t like to even think about it.

Blinded

Breadcrumbs. This is where they are… they’re all here if anyone in my life ever cares enough.. or wants to “find” me… needs to see where my head and my heart were at, at any point in time… The little pieces of my heart that I couldn’t fit back into place I leave here… hopeful that someone will eventually pick them up and help me put them back. I’m fractured right now. Shattered. I feel things too deeply… but I can’t change that.

This blog has been… this blog has saved me. Saved me from myself. Saved me from my pain. Saved me from my sadness. Saved me from the things that get locked up and never let out otherwise.

I am discouraged. Disheartened. I feel… unwanted, unimportant, unworthy. We’ll get to why in a bit, but first let me say… I know this all happened for a reason and that… everything works together for good. I know it does. But my heart hurts right now. I… was brave. I put myself out there. *sigh*

I will rebound. I’m not so fragile that I won’t bounce back. But I needed a moment to be sad, and grieve and process.

I drove up to Breckinridge and cried, and yelled, listened to music and prayed. I needed to get it all out.

I’m working on just letting my feelings be. Allowing myself to process and to feel what I feel, process what I need to process. It’s hard because I shame myself about my feelings. I do it a lot.

I had to step back because I got a shock yesterday. Mr. W had already gone back overseas. He didn’t tell me he was leaving, I didn’t get to hug him and tell him to take care and say my goodbyes. I didn’t know I wouldn’t even remotely get to see him again for 7 months, if then.

I felt like… the last 4-5 months getting close to this person had just been tossed aside. I didn’t even deserve to be told… and I know he didn’t mean it to hurt me. He probably didn’t even think about it, honestly. I was… an afterthought and that in itself stings.

I am sad about so many things but mostly that I thought… I thought things were different. We weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive. We weren’t together. But we’d shared something and… I guess I’m the only one that felt that way.

So, ok. Things, how it went while he was here, make more sense, if I assume a few things. I’m not going to do that. I trust him. I think he had his reasons for everything, including the things that my perception said were off or there was something he wasn’t telling me. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. I can trust that he did the best thing for himself, and still be sad.

There is more to the story but I may never know what it is.

The whole thing… this situation… made me sad. Heartbroken.

I was blinded by the intimacy that was fostered by all of the communication being online. It’s always easier to speak the hard things, tell the truth, if you’re not looking someone in the face.

When you finally see someone in person vulnerability is harder. Truth sticks in your throat when looking someone in the eye. It’s easier to leave things unsaid.

Now that he and I are here… in this place… back where we were a couple of months ago… it’s different. There’s all of this stuff that sits unsaid between us. That really makes me the saddest. I miss… I miss my friend. The guy who didn’t judge… and liked me anyway… and I felt safe with. He made me feel safe.

I wonder if he knows but… I don’t even feel like I could tell him that now. His wall has made me start to build my own and… I hate that. I’d spent so much time dismantling that f-ing wall!

But really… it’s an effort to be someone’s close friend, and I don’t feel like… I can ask him for that at this point. I feel like it’s too much. He’s already backed away from me and… I can’t stop him. He’s allowed to not be my friend. He’s allowed to not want to date me. He’s allowed to leave me behind…

Before, he wanted to get to know me. To “hear me out”. Now… I think he’s got other things to deal with. I’m not a… priority. I shouldn’t be. We aren’t.. we aren’t anything.

To be clear: he’s not so harsh as to say we aren’t friends. He didn’t tell me to go kick rocks. But… I’d be surprised if we communicate like we did before. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about my feelings or the things I’m struggling with or how my life is going. I don’t feel like… he should care about any of that. He didn’t want me.

*big breath*

I am resilient. I’ve proven it to myself. I have no doubt that once I forgive myself for scaring this one off, once I accept my worth again, once I’ve forgotten about how it felt when he held me… I will be fine.

Until then, I’ll just be here… trying to fit the pieces of my heart back together and love myself again.

This heart of mine…

Sometimes… I think of this blog as bread crumbs in the woods… left for anyone that goes looking for me. My son, my friends, my people… if I ever get so lost, or just disappear all together I leave this here to find me again. To see who and what I was. A soul tortured by her own thoughts daily. A woman so stubborn and strong that even the vulnerability that she showed had a challenging air about it. A big heart with so many cracks that it had clearly been broken over a thousand times and put back together by shaking hands and sweat, blood and tears.

After 4 decades of life this is what I know…

I was given this heart for a reason. I am soft in ways no one will ever understand. I cry daily not just for myself… for those I can’t save, or help, or fix.

This heart has made it unbearable to even watch the news anymore. Babies crying, people in despair, animals abused, a thoughtless and numb portion of society committing crimes and unable to express kindness or love… all of this makes it impossible for me to keep my eyes clear and see a path through all the pain and suffering to the light on the other side.

I’m not sure when my heart was ever whole without a single blemish at this point, and this last investment of it into a very sweet, yet skittish, man has cracked it wide open. Mr. W didn’t choose me. The details matter not. The point is… his own thoughts, insecurities, demons maybe… were stronger than he was and he chose them. Or… maybe someone else. Or the comfort of being alone. The point is… in the end, he didn’t want me. It’s a harsh way to say it, but the truth isn’t meant to be soft on our ears. HE DIDN’T WANT ME.

I don’t repeat the cruel true words to break my own heart again… more just to have them settle in… rest in the space created in my cracked heart.

I am mature enough to know that when someone doesn’t choose you… regardless of the reason, it’s not personal. It’s not you. It’s them. Does that make it hurt less? No… it really doesn’t… because it still feels personal. It feels like… you weren’t worthy. You weren’t good enough to push through all of their own “stuff” for.

I did what I could. I absolutely made a mistake letting my fear choose words for me. Premature, harsh words. For that I am responsible. I know why, and I know how, and I know what caused it all. I’m nothing if not self aware.

I tried with my whole heart to rectify my mistake but the damage had been done. There was no “taking it back”. He could no longer hear my heart and the exposed courageous way it beats despite being so abused by my past relationships. His face was turned away from me and he couldn’t see the sincerity in my eyes when I told him “I chose you. My heart invested itself and chose you..”

After 18 months of being single, and countless dates, men asking for things… I chose him. I had eliminated unwanted attention and chosen him. Without his request or permission, I would have committed to him.

Here’s the crux of it all… I revealed my insecurities… typed them out and sent them as a record of my admission to my flaws. His understanding only allowed him to view them as something I needed encouragement about. He missed the point so completely.

I listed them, my insecurities. I shined all the spotlights possible on them, I let them be seen as a way of telling him what I was battling, what I would overcome… for him. Because to me… he was worth it. He is worth it.

I know that a person can only meet you at the edge of their own perception, their own understanding… he translated my words in a way that his heart understood. He is stuck, trapped behind his own worries and fears. He couldn’t understand that I recognized in him my own fears, and that I was suited up to take them on. He wasn’t anywhere near the arena (these are references to some important research on vulnerability by Brene Brown. I can’t take credit…) I was prepared to fight and he turned his back on the challenge.

You see why I feel unworthy? Why I feel like… he chose the easy way… he chose to let me go. I wasn’t worthy or important enough to him…

He will either eventually find someone who is worthy of fighting himself, his fears, for or he will continue to be stuck in the past and bogged down by his own vulnerability.

I can’t fix it. I’m not even in a position anymore to point it out. I’m not sure he’d listen to me.

My heart is strong. It’s been through a lot, and yet it is still wide open. I’m ready for the person brave enough to expose their vulnerabilities too. The door is open for the courageous man who looks at me and recognizes a kinship, a mirroring of his soul back to him, to walk in, sit down, take up space.

This heart… this lovely, war torn, frayed around the edges heart of mine, while still sore and bruised… is still beating. It’s bravely pushing forward and is preparing itself for that person that will appreciate it and accept, and wholeheartedly love it.

Oh how I wish it had been him… I wanted it to be MW. There’s no way around that… and it still really hurts.

Thank you sweet readers for sitting quietly in support of me while I feel all the feels. You have no idea how much I appreciate you all.

C