Cranky

I woke up in a funk. I don’t know why. I yelled at the dog, scolded the baby and swatted his diapered butt, and grumped my way down the stairs. Made french toast with strawberries and powdered sugar, and grumpily ate it. Still feeling kind of awful.
Maybe it’s pms. Maybe it’s my husband leaving me with the busy toddler again for most of the day to go to stupid Hoopfest.  Maybe it’s because my sweet sticky faced baby woke me up at 515 this morning. On a Sunday. Maybe it’s because my long time “best friend” posted things on fb that reminds me how close we AREN’T these days. Who knows. I just don’t like this feeling so I’m going to take my vitamins,  drink some water,  have a nice long shower, maybe a good cry, and pray to get past it. If not for me, then for my sweet boy who needs his momma to be happy. 

Only the dog can handle me right now. 

Memories

I’m having a love/hate relationship with Pandora lately. I’m at work trying to pass the time, and it keeps pausing to “load” or whatever. Ugh. Not to mention that a lot of the songs on the station I’m listening to remind me of times when I was younger and people of my past.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything but sometimes I miss the care free years. My 20’s were good to me. Aside from a poor choice or two in men, I had a great decade.

I heard from my past last weekend in fact. A random text message from an ex can bring up a lot of memories. This person was a pivotal person in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am now without those years we had together. We weren’t meant to be but he taught me a lot and we stayed friends. We’re both married now (which is weirder than it sounds considering he said he’d NEVER get married) and we aren’t close but keep in touch. I’m amazed how sharp my pictures in my mind from our time together still are. We were kids when we dated. I was 19 and he was 20. We dated for a solid 3 years and off again on again for another 1-2. I made typical 20 something type mistakes…and got a good look at love for the first time. I moved on a long time ago and came to terms with our eventual incompatibility but I still have a spot in my heart for him. I’m really glad he found his “person”.
I’m very grateful for my family, and my life. I’m happy but somehow my past always makes me a little sad thinking about it. All the things I took for granted then and didn’t realize were as great as they are. I will never be that young and carefree again. I’m ok with that. I have the memories of my youth that I got to collect to remind me now of my time spent growing up and working it all out. Well, working most of it out anyway.

I’ve got new memories to make now. Things are all new and exciting still for my little man. My memories from my 30’s are going to be the ones that involve being a mom. Just a new chapter.

I know I promised recipes. We’ll be at a local farm tomorrow hopefully picking up some fresh strawberries and getting some sunshine. I’ll post pics and hopefully then a recipe or two.

Explore the darkness

I had a whole different set of fun stuff to talk about today and then I ran across this gem:

“Owning our story can be hard but nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown

This book was reccommended to me by my therapist and talks about touchy subjects like shame, guilt and living “wholeheartedly”. It’s a slow read for me because it requires so much emotional energy to get through, and I find that some days I just can’t muster the strength take in the message she’s conveying. It’s VERY good, just hard to stomach at this moment in my life.

The last time I really explored the darkness that I have in the back part of my mind, I was physically ill, I mean literally I got so upset it made me sick. It was good in retrospect to take the opportunity to feel what I needed to, but I think I’ve repressed, or “coped” as my therapist would say, so effectively with past traumas or emotions that it’s easy to be overwhelmed. I can’t go back and deal with them at the time that they happened, so I really just boxed them up for later. As we all know, just like packing and moving, evenually you have to deal with the boxes stacked at the back of the garage so to speak. The whole process sucks!

It’s funny to me that the thing I stuggle the most with myself on is being brave and this quote is the first thing that struck me as I picked this book up again. The next section talks about courage but I’m not ready to read it yet. I have to go through it a small piece at a time. Break it off like bread and digest each small portion individually.

We had our follow up appointment with the Guild School yesterday and they said that Av is about a year behind in almost every category. I wanted to cry but obviously that helps no one, so I sat with the paperwork in my lap and stared at the doctor with the look of someone who is lost. I needed help to find the pieces of my life that had sort of scattered themselves all over the floor in front of me. I was so thankful that I had my close friend with me since Rob couldn’t make it to that appointment. She gave me a hug at the end of the appointment once we were to the car, and I know she gets it. She’s able to see that I am grasping at anything that I can hold onto to help me till I can get my feet back under me and my mind right.

Bubba isn’t sleeping lately as well. I do believe that I would be coping better with the stress and anxiety over this situation if I could get my baby to eat something substantial and sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I’m bleary eyed and weepy today. I just want to nap. I’m out of time at work and desperately trying to keep my job and get paid what we need to run our household without bumps.

It’s Thursday, It’s almost over, and then I can spend the weekend trying to nap and keep the house in order so that we can take on next week. It’s a cycle that I wish we were through with. It will get better. I know it’s temporary. I’m just too tired to have the energy to be more optimistic.

Still eating fairly healthy, taking my vitamins and trying to stay hydrated. With my lack of sleep the last thing I need to feel worse than I have to.

I do have recipes to share, and pictures to post, but that will be a tomorrow kind of thing.

Fries are lunch right?

It’s been rough going lately friends. We have a lot going on this week, and my baby has been a little off his feed. That’s what my mom says when the dog doesn’t eat well for a day or two and so I used it in this instance too. Av’s schedule is all off, or his tummy is, I’m not sure which. I realize as a toddler your tastes are sometimes vast and varied and other times more limited and particular. He is leaning towards the “eat nothing but dry Kix” type of diet these days. I try all sorts of stuff. He only eats about 1/8 of what I attempt to feed him right now. This trend gives me stress since he’s already a little under weight, and because he’s a growing boy! He needs more to go on than a handful of yogurt covered raisins. Right?!

Anyway, we had our assessment with the guild school today and I think that went well considering I couldn’t get bubba to eat breakfast (a handful of Kix in the car doesn’t count does it?) and his normal nap time is between 11 am and 12:30 and our appointment was scheduled to go until 11. He also isn’t sleeping well (I’m convinced the eating poorly and sleeping poorly are connected) and last night he was up from 2-4 am. That’s a recipe for a melt down if I’ve ever heard one, and I knew if he didn’t have one I might.

So here we are with 4 professionals assessing my sweet baby in a chilly room and the kid is only wearing a diaper, and he only ate 10 Kix, and it’s 10:30am…and I just kept praying he didn’t start throwing things at the nice ladies trying to play with him and get him to talk. I should back up…the diaper only thing is normal apparently. They want to see all of his joints and limbs and stuff while he’s climbing/walking/swinging, etc.

We have a follow up appointment with the consulting doctor for the guild school tomorrow, and it will be interesting to see what he has to say. Especially since he was the first doctor to examine Av as a baby after he was born and talk to us about his MMA (another story for a different time).

Naturally after we left this appointment this morning I gave him more dry Kix in a plastic baggie in the car, and then drove through the drive up window at McD’s so the kid could get his daily allowance of fat and salt…oh yeah and what little nutritional value there is to fried potatoes. He told me to “go long” before he hurled the apple slices that come with the happy meal back at me, and the nuggets he slipped to the dogs when I was picking up the apples. Little bugger.

This momma is exhausted and coming off of a stress fest, so I was thankful for the quiet that work has provided. I realize how that sounds, and believe me, I’d much rather be at home with the cranktastic toddler, than at work. I just needed a quiet momment to myself, and I’ve mentioned my crocheting projet that I keep at work.

In other news, I may be changing the look and possibly the name of this blog stay tuned.

Next post will be about food because I’m loooong overdue and I have a few recipes to share and things to say about meals at my house lately.

Thanks for listening all. Happy Tuesday!

Blues

Sometimes living with anxiety and depression is an uphill battle. Sometimes it recedes into the background and the sun shines again, and I feel better in every possible way. I know the mind-body connection is strong and when I’m not in a very good mental space I feel that physically.  Occasionally it works the other direction too, but I don’t find that to be my problem the majority of the time.

I know my stress level is up again. We are right in the thick of our medical appointments for everything with Avery.  He had his biannual appointment with the biochemical specialist yesterday. Today was more blood work and booster shots at the pediatrician’s, and next week he has two lengthy appointments with the guild school in town to assess his developmental delays and possible causes. All of this right after he’s been sick, spent 5 hours in the ER getting fluids and about 10 days getting over the virus he caught.

I had a really good couple of weeks with my anxiety level despite being sick and not seeing my therapist for two weeks. This morning…on my way to work, it jumped up again and I had a teary moment at my desk before I could collect myself enough to bring it back down. This statement makes it seem like it’s an easy thing for me to just shake off the antsy, shakey, panicky feeling I get. This isn’t the case most days.

I’ve taken to crocheting again to calm my mind and keep me focused and occupied with something so I get out of my own head and find a calmness for my spirit again.

I also listen to Tommy Emanuel on Pandora. These are all my little tricks. They didn’t prevent my “moment” that I had today, but they did help.

Despite all that I’ve done lately I still find that I feel a little blue…I little down. I still have wanted to cry about once a day for the last few days. I still just want to curl up in a ball and just sleep. Some would say that’s depression talking but I just noticed it get worse this week. I think it’s hormones and lack of quality sleep. All I know is I want to feel better again and I get jealous of people who appear happy every day.

On a lighter subject, three more weeks until my sister will start watching bubba, and my life gets a lot easier. Yay for that!!

Hope you all had a great week and I have more recipes and pictures to post soon.

Dieting with PMS

I should know better. I set a goal.

*June 1st- start diet.
*July 1st -(when Auntie Rissa starts watching Av) start exercizing.

It’s there, in a bulleted list.  I’m a list maker and I like the check mark next to things that means completion of that item. I plan. I hope. I think positive thoughts. I didn’t take into consideration the toll that hormones would take on me today.

I started everything right. Egg white Jimmy Dean sandwich. 210 calories. Ok. Good job me. 16 oz of water before 10am plus my vitamins. Someone high five me!

Then I had a hostess cupcake.

I don’t wanna discuss it at length, but let’s say this…I had a conversation with it about not settling on my hips and all that “moment on the lips” crap. We became friends. And then I left not a crumb behind and licked my figers.

Ok. Get back on the horse. Had a salad for lunch. Mental note-do the stairs 15 times when you get home and say farewell to that little blip in your day.

More water.

No snack. (Mistake number 2).

Go to the convenience store on break for smart water. Come back with butter finger as well as the water. 

It was like I was in a trance when I bought it. I barely remember doing it. The wrapper was being crumpled and tossed before I even registered what I had done.

*sigh*

Ok. Good dinner. Psych myself up to cook. Something healthy!  With whole grain and veggies!

Had to pick up Av (Rob was in no state to do it). Back up on both sides of the freeway. Accept defeat on the way home and order pizza AND stuffed cheesey bread from the car (yes I used my blue tooth! Pfft!).

Get home, have fruit snacks….and rest of werther’s carmel corn. More water.

Flush out the sugar!!

Pizza and cheesey bread…and one last cupcake.

*scowl*

I could tell you about how I justified all my poor choices (grumpiness, tiredness, sore boobs…tmi?!), but I won’t.  I’ll just say…tomorrow is a new day…and at least I’m hydrated.

Damn Hostess.