Favor 

I’ve had an interesting week. 

Monday-Got up late, got to work late, was so tired I couldn’t stand it. Looked a tiny bit disheveled, or as Nadine says “homeless”. Had pizza and apple beer that Nadine brought over. Went to bed. 

Tuesday-Had a meeting at work, had lunch with my girls and then the guy that I can’t seem to shake, can’t get over, can’t get passed… had lunch with us. Yep. Has trouble written all over it. 

Wednesday-had a date with a new guy. (I know, I said I was done “dating”.) I’m not sure how I feel about the guy. Maybe more on that later. 

Thursday-had Chinese with Nadine, and then had a hot bath before bed. Nothing exciting there. 

It was basically a lot of staying up late and drinking. I need to only do this once in a while. 

This guy… the one I helped get a job… he’s trouble for me. I always think I’m over him, or past whatever connection I think I have, and then he shows up again. The kicker is, I really can’t have him. Really though.

I have come to realize this: any guy who mysteriously disappears, or passes up the chance to date me, or doesn’t treat me well and I move on… they’re doing me a favor.

This sounds arrogant and I know it. I’m not typically like that but I’ve come to a more settled place in my mind lately where the truth is pretty obvious. 

I’m too much woman for some men.

I know I can’t make a statement like that and not back it up. So, here we go…

I know what I do and don’t want. I’m very independent. I’m not asking for anyone to fix me, or fill a whole or void in my life. I’m pretty motivated and driven and focused. I know how to get where I want to go, and I’ll do it by myself if I need to. I’m not looking for a new daddy for my kid, or a provider or head of household for myself. My “crazy” is pretty toned down and… I’m nice. Probably overly nice honestly. But there it is. 

Here’s the thing… if a guy can’t “handle” me, he’s doing me a huge favor. I do get attached to people sometimes. I’ve been known to fall for guys that aren’t good for me. It’s happened recently I think. 

I have a very big heart, and I always give people a chance. I’d like to find the right guy. THE RIGHT GUY. Not just any guy. 

I’m like any girl. I get thrown off by pretty things. Shiny stuff catches my eye. Pretty boys are hard to resist. Put a handsome bearded good-smelling man in my path and I do have to refocus myself. It’s harder than you think.

But I need substance. Someone I can trust. Maybe that I’m friends with first. Or not. I just need a connection, chemistry, and… the right guy damn it. 

I can’t take it personally when things don’t work out for whatever reason. In general, I know that I can be too much in a lot of ways. 

Being not enough, or not good enough, isn’t the issue. I’m too much! 

So, thanks for the favor. I will be forever glad that I didn’t settle, or get too caught up. 

Things always work out for the best. 

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Prove it

It’s colder here the last couple of days. The sun is behind the clouds, and when I stepped out of the car this morning it felt like cold Seattle air brushing past my face. I almost felt refreshed. Almost. 

I slept little to none last night. I swear there are times that my life feels put together and times where it feels like it’s falling apart. Sounds dramatic but I don’t usually create drama over it. I hunker down and try to ride out the storm. 

I’m done with dating for now. Not because of my last post. It was always either going to work out with him or it wasn’t. I’m still a little sad and disappointed but… time moves on. No, I’m done with dating because I don’t know that it’s the right time for me. I keep thinking I’m ready and then I try but somehow it ends up feeling all wrong. Like I’m screwing up or not doing what’s right for me or him. 

The main issue lately is I feel like I gotta prove myself to people. I feel like I have to show men why I’m worth it. I feel like I have to explain why I am the way I am, or what makes me… worthy. 

It’s likely just my perception of things, but sometimes guys do ask the questions that end up feeling like they’re looking for a reason to be interested. Maybe that’s just an online dating side effect. 

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I don’t wanna change for anyone. I’m great at compromise, I’m good at getting along, seeing things from others perspectives, all of that jazz. I’m just not going to do anything major unless I want to, or… maybe if Chris Helmsworth showed up and said “I’ll stay with you forever if…”. Even then I might be like “Look Thor, you’re stupid hot, but I’m not going to work on my stubbornness for you. That ship’s sailed man.” 

I was just talking to my bestie yesterday about the things we shouldn’t have to do if we’ve found the right person. I’m not sure now is the best time to list them all, but believe me, it’s not a short list. 

I really have always felt that at some point I’m going to be the exact right person for someone as I am. No “working on” shhh, no I just gotta lose___ or learn to ___. Just as I am. Right. This. Minute. Or really, the minute I meet that person. Some guy will look me in the eye, and instead of saying “prove it” he’ll say “you’re amazing, and I love you”. 

Just wait for it friends… it’s going to be great. P

Deleted

I’m laying in bed asking myself a lot of unanswerable questions. I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve got too much stuff going on to list here. However, my feelings are hurt at the moment, and instead of doing what I’d normally do which is minimize that, I’m going to be honest and real about it. I’m going to admit to my hurt and why. 

What’s really on my mind is what I’m going to put here and I’m fairly positive that the person that is the focus of this particular post will never read this. It wouldn’t occur to him to even look at this little blog space of mine. In the end, he doesn’t really care about me… and that’s the point. 

Right after Christmas I met someone online. He seemed funny and genuine and kind. I’m not going to say that he isn’t those things truly, what I’m going to say is that I don’t know. He has been less than what I would consider “kind” in the last month. 

We had one date. One. It wasn’t overly remarkable other than there was what I would call chemistry, or connection there. I would have loved a second, third, fourth… I would have liked to get to know him better. At least be friends if we didn’t work out as a couple. To be honest… I kinda thought we were friends. 

This man is from a different world. Really that’s the only way to explain it. He’s a “celebrity” in the world of sports. I’m not going to list his specific sport, or title or anything here. He may be kind of an ass (believe me I don’t take saying that about someone lightly) but he’s entitled to privacy too. That’ll probably be the worst of what you hear me say about him because… I don’t have the whole story and I always cut people a break. Even if maybe they don’t deserve it. 

So ok, one date, sports celebrity. None of his notoriety made any difference to me. He could have been Lance F ing Armstrong or Russel Wilson and if he was a total ass when I met him I wouldn’t have given him a second thought. His achievements meant nothing to me, his status or whatever we’d call it didn’t matter… to me he was sweet and handsome and funny. And a good kisser… not that it matters now. But those things stuck with me. The person I met wasn’t the sort of famous guy with their own Wikipedia. The guy I chatted with over dinner was reserved and dry witted and… well to me he was hot. I really felt sparks. 

I was not on my game the night we went out. I had a nasty cold. I’m not sure I’d paid attention to what I was wearing or how I looked… I felt rough around the edges and exhausted, but I was excited to meet him because in text… he was very funny, and I was attracted. 

I blew it at the beginning of the date. We met somewhere for dinner and I was early but when he got there I didn’t get up and hug him. I’d thought about what I should do but I was so nervous… I just couldn’t. That was the last date I remember being so nervous I couldn’t stand it. I was drawn to him… and I was beside myself. 

I didn’t eat much. Nerves do that to me. Between my cold and my anxiety… I’m lucky I ate at all. I don’t remember everything we talked about but I do remember one story he told me from his childhood, and one thing he said to me about my mental health issues. Those things I’m keeping to myself. They’re mine, and I just can’t share them here. 

He walked me to my car, I drove him to his and then after dropping his car off, we drove a little. My throat was killing me so I made a stop at Sonic for a strawberry slush and we continued to chat. He was not like I expected but in a good way. I never once saw him as someone out of my league or as a celebrity really. I think I didn’t give weight to his accomplishments because again…. I wasn’t on a date with him because of that. It was because I found him attractive and we somehow clicked. 

I took him back to where he was staying, which again, I’m keeping to myself for his privacy, and we kissed. It was… well for me it was perfect. There was chemistry and attraction and…. magic. I wanted more. We don’t always get what we want… 

I’m not sure how the story would have gone if he had been here longer. I like to think I wasn’t alone in wanting more, in thinking it’d be great to get to know this person… but with recent… things… I’m not sure. Time does funny things sometimes to your memory and thoughts, twists what once seemed so clear. 

He left a couple of days after our date to go “work”. He was overseas so I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from him or how to contact him so it didn’t cost him money. I ended up using snapchat. Seemed reasonable because it’s web based, and if you have wifi… well, anyway. It worked for a bit. 

The nature of our exchanges is again, private, not completely mine to share. There was mutual expressed interest and we kept in touch for almost 3 solid months. What happened after that is really anyone’s guess. 

After I moved out and the weight of living alone without my son in an over priced and deathly silent apartment set in, I decided to tell him I was struggling. I told him I was in a funk, that I was working on it, but that I’d be here, and I was still interested. He gave me a few words of encouragement, and told me he felt the same. That was the last communication I got. 

I sent him a couple of follow up snaps, but they just sat unread and not another piece of communication was exchanged from his end. I was baffled, and hurt but brushed it off thinking there had to be a reason. Always assume positive intent. 

Now, by assuming positive intent I really did think about all of the rational, reasonable options. I’m still sticking with my first thought: he started dating someone. If that’s the case, then I withdraw said previous statement about him being an ass. I’m hoping this is it, not because I didn’t want to date him or I wasn’t interested, but because I do want him to be happy. I really do want what’s best for people. Everyone deserves that. This is the best case scenario. This one would make me happy. This one… I really wouldn’t blame him for erasing me and our brief interaction for. 

Other options of course include cowardice and ghosting and… well, you get it. As I type this out I’m starting to feel better… I really do like to think the best of people, and from my limited experience, he is basically a good guy. I’m still positive option one is the truth. I’m hoping. Really, I’d like to think he’s happy. But maybe I was just a random woman he met and sort of knew for a short period of time. This is likely too. 

None of this eliminates or sugar coats how I feel or that tonight, or recently (because I’m not entirely sure when it happened) I was deleted from his Snapchat contacts. 

It hit me harder than I expected considering it’s been over a month since we’d interacted and I already knew he was essentially gone. I’d prepared myself to be deleted, I knew it was coming, but for some reason… it hurt more than I thought it would. I’m maybe going to be sad over it for a couple of days. We’ll see…. this was out of my control. His choice totally. 

Which brings up the root of my hurt… he chose to end contact. I know this doesn’t reflect on me, I know I’ll likely never know why, I know that it’s maybe for the best… that doesn’t change that I felt we connected, or that we both admitted interest. 

I’m not some 16 yr old with a crush here. I’ve dated, been married, getting divorced… I know a good guy when I meet them so his choice makes me feel… not good enough. I feel… like anything and everything we chatted about or shared meant nothing. I feel like some random woman… not worth his time. He’ll never know, and for that I feel better. 

I’m going to be the first to admit- this is my reaction, and I have the option to look at it differently. I don’t blame him. The only blame I place on him is this: he was inconsiderate and… possibly rude. But again… I was no one to him. I’m not special, and clearly didn’t impact his life or shape his thoughts at all. We didn’t get to the “close friends” part and the rest… well, it doesn’t matter. Only it did to me. 

I know why it’s easier to “ghost” someone than tell them you’ve decided it’s best not to  even be friends or whatever… I get it. But for me it was sudden, and hurtful. That’s all. For me it feels like I couldn’t prove why I deserved to at least be his friend. I really wasn’t even asking him for time, or effort, or emotion. Just the ability to still hear from him once in a while. 

I’ll likely never know the reason he stopped talking to me or lost interest. I’ll admit I sent him a “hope you’re well” text last week. His birthday is 2 days after my late grandfathers and I was thinking about him. That’s the only reason I remembered it after he told me. I didn’t get it from the internet. What he did tell me himself was important to me… 

He once told me to “Google” him and I did but only because I knew he wouldn’t tell me much on his own. I regretted everything I read online because I’d rather he tell me himself what he wanted me to know. I got to the first sports story and stopped. I really couldn’t stand to invade his privacy… even though he clearly has very little of that. 

The chances of ever seeing him again in person are slim to none. It makes my heart hurt a little because I saw possibility there… I felt… chemistry. No way to change what is now. 

Regardless of how this went or that I called him an ass earlier in this post, I will probably always think of him fondly. I have a memory for words (as I’ve mentioned before) and there were a couple of things that he said that will always stick with me. I have a visual memory, so I remember what color his shirt was, and how he looked when he smiled. A memory like mine is a curse sometimes. 

I like to think if I put out into the universe that my heart still wants to see him one more time… just to make sure I wasn’t wrong about the connection, that it’d happen. I guess you never know, but I won’t hold out hope. I still believe if something is meant to work out, or you belong in someone’s life, you end up there no matter how hard to try not to be. 

For now, I’ll just file away his smile with my other memories of people I met or knew once and hope for the best for him. He may not have seen me like I saw him, but I cared, I was interested, and I hope he’s well. 

*for the record, he could have had a normal 9-5, like an IT support job or something, and I’d still wanna see him again. In fact, it’s too bad he doesn’t… we could’ve had some fun together. 

Hey girl hey 

Well… hey there. It’s been a while. Miss me?! Nope. Wasn’t in a funk this time. Didn’t climb into my cave to hide or any of that. Just been busy. Mostly.

Ok, let’s put it out there. I ran out of words. Finally ran out. 

I’m a bibliophile, a bookworm. I’ve always had an attachment to words and written text. I get lost in stories and cling to words. 

If I was more brave and motivated I’d be writing stories, books, and actually trying to have people read them. I’m not there yet. 

But this last week… I had no words. I literally RAN OUT. Too tired, too stressed, too preoccupied… whatever it was, something ate the words I usually have swimming through my head. 

They aren’t entirely back yet, but I can feel my thoughts circling back. Don’t worry… my penchant for blabing isn’t gone. Just took a break. 

30 days 

I realized yesterday that my birthday was exactly 30 days away. A solid month until another year rolls over, and my last year in my 30’s begins. I’m not sure how to feel. 

We’ve all read or talked about 2016 as being a rough B of a year. I’m not sure why it happened that way or where all the struggle or challenges came from. I just know it wasn’t just me. 

Since I’m a late spring/early summer birthday I have most of the rest of 2017 to be ___. I can’t type it here… I just can’t but we all know the number.

Since last year around this time a lot of things have changed. I got a job, left my husband, moved into an apartment alone, made friends, lost friends, and just in general grew as a person. I’m so thankful for every moment, but it was hard on my emotional self. 

I have big plans for the next year. I’ve come so far… I’m not going to put off things anymore. Or let rear rule my life. Just wait… it’s going to be so great!