Sometimes things reoccur in your life for a reason. You may be struggling with something or not paying attention. Regardless of what it is, that thing will present itself to you till you pay attention. My word for the year is “fear”. I have to conquer it one little bit at a time. When I left my husband and stepped out into the light again, I was completely terrified. I had no idea how I would afford everything, or live alone again, or see my son as often as he needed me to. It was…. awful.
I got settled in here, and started to feel comfortable again, and realized I still had so many things I was afraid of that I needed to deal with. I still haven’t filed. Money is a constant worry. My autistic son starts kindergarten in three weeks. SO MUCH STUFF. I promised myself that I would live fearless. That I would find the love in myself, and focus on the positive energy around me and in me. I focus my thoughts on that every day. It’s the first thing I think of in the morning when I wake up. How is today going to be a positive one for me? How am I going to conquer the fear that still lives inside me?
One of the first things I’ve decided to do is…speak only truth. No matter what it is or how I feel about speaking it out loud, I will do it. No more repressing the things I think, or that go through my head. I need to be clear here, when speaking the truth it is MY truth, and no one else’s. I’m not expressing anything mean or hurtful or selfish. These are the things that I feel for others or that I think they should know. Everything is done in love. EVERYTHING.
When you look at the things you fear very carefully, you realize that you’ve manufactured a bigger thing in your head than is necessary. Most of my fears are insecurity based or in regards to rejection. I have a lot of social awkwardness still and I feel like I may never completely defeat my anxiety. One day at a time.
In the meantime, I tell people when I feel things for them. Appreciation, love, concern… all of the things that I think in my head about other’s welfare are now expressed to them somehow. It is working to unburden my heart a little, but I find that on days that I am tired or not feeling my best it is harder because my instinct is to crawl back into old routines and my own little shell to regroup. It is exhausting. It’s like a constant fight with yourself to be better than yesterday while still dealing with today’s new problem or issue.
Fear has no real place or foothold in my life. I have so much I want to do, and so many things I want to experience. Fear and Love can not live together in the same heart and head. You have to choose one.
I choose LOVE.
I’m a recipe user. I can cook, you best believe, but I still feel there is something to be said about not always just “winging it”. I like to be instructed sometimes because I don’t cook for a living people. I’m no Martha Stewart or Pioneer Woman, although God bless Ree, love her. Not the point.
When I put together Ikea furniture, or an oscillating fan from Costco, I follow the directions. It makes my eye twitch watching someone else just throw stuff together and then end up with like three screws and a washer left at the end and no idea why 2 weeks later the handle of the trampoline for our son has fallen off… you get my point.
Since my philosophy in most areas I’m not the expert in is to follow directions, then I suppose it’s time I followed that in another area of my life which is- the bigger plan.
I know I’e been discussing God a lot lately. I would apologize, but it’s not real to how I feel. I feel like I’m waking up after a long hibernation type sleep and realizing that I only feel good when I leave it all up to the big guy and stop fretting so much. I know this doesn’t work for everyone and that not all of you believe. It’s ok, you don’t have to. I can see you next post where I may or may not be still posting about spirituality. Peace and elbow grease!
For the two that are left hanging in there with me (maybe one in a half) here is what occurred to me today: there are so many signs pointing me towards moving on and forgetting about AZ.
Aside from the lack of communication with him, which in itself is the biggest reason, God has been telling me through other people and things. I have gotten some very clear directions before from The Almighty, or a higher power, or however you refer to him. I’ve been standing on a public street, severely depressed, and fretting over something and been spoken to by a stranger about the very thing I’m worried about. That my friends, is God. You could chalk that type of thing up to coincidence but…I know better. For someone random to tell me the exact thing I needed to hear, and they would have no idea that I needed to be told that… It’s not just a one off. It’s happened several times in various ways, and I just know that all it takes is listening sometimes.
Over the years the clearest way I’ve ever gotten an idea of what I was supposed to do was through these lines of communication, or just an overwhelming feeling that I need to flow my heart about stuff. So far it’s been pretty amazing to see what happens when I’ve just trusted and run with whatever “directions” I was given
I’m not big into social media. I have this blog, and the standard-Snap Chat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter-all on my phone, but really they are time wasters. Something to do while sitting on the toilet if you will. Sorry for the crassness, but let’s just be real here. So, I have all the stuff, but my posting is limited, and I’m mostly just an observer rather than a participator. Except for this blog, I don’t share much online. Lately the posts I’ve been seeing on FB are weird, and about the value of a woman, and the type of man that deserve them, but I’ve let it go. Then I started turning to IG a little more, and there was a lot of interesting things there too indicating a new season of life, moving on, that kind of thing. The books I’ve been reading, and this drive and motivation for something different is coming over me lately. Finally, but not lastly, my friends are now randomly telling me to get over it. I haven’t spoken of him in weeks and yet, here we are.
My feelings aren’t hurt that others see something that I didn’t till now. I firmly believe that all of these things are God’s way of telling me to focus on other things and not think about him anymore. If it’s meant to work out later it either will, or it won’t. Maybe the point of meeting him to begin with was simply to feel love again. Maybe it was to remind me that I’m capable of it.
All signs are pointing one direction, so for me to turn my back and walk the other way is asking to just do things the hard way. It’s inviting hardship into my life. I’d rather not. I have faith I won’t end up alone, and I’m not even worried anymore about that.
I don’t see my feelings going up in smoke simply because I’d like to wall off my heart again, by the way. Life isn’t that easy. If I saw him on the street tomorrow things would still flutter in my stomach and I’d still wanna see him smile, and smell him, touch him and sit next to him. It isn’t going to be like I can just forget him forever. He just shouldn’t have a central place in my thoughts right now.
I might be the only one that feels all the feels. For now the road is under construction, and the signs tell me to take a different route.
So let’s just keep it rollin’.
I have conversations in my shower. I do it frequently and it’s not always with the same person. I do my thinking in the middle of scrubbing my body and rinsing soap out of my hair. While waiting the appropriate amount of time for my purple shampoo to insure no brassy-ness creeps into my blonde, I debate things or explain things to people who would likely be glad they aren’t there for my tirade.
Lately those conversations are with AZ. The man I’ve recently realized I love. We’re having a long drawn out silence at the moment and my mind, and heart, has lots to say to him still. So… we converse, or me and my loofah do at least, while I’m buck naked and drenched. No, he looks nothing like a loofah.
I’m always amazed the amount of words I can come up with when no one is around to speak those words to. It’s like there’s a lag time, my brain is buffering, and in the moment I’m left without a thing to say. It’s so cruel and yet, a perfect illustration of my life.
The first time he “disappeared” was around Christmas. I was puzzled, but hopeful it meant that he was happy, working things out in life, and just needed to move on. We met at a rather bad time for both of us so I wasn’t mad, I had nothing but good thoughts and vibes for him. I prayed for him and his son often and there was peace in my heart. I thought I’d learned something, his purpose in my life was complete, and that was it. I was after all… no one to him.
I don’t mean that as harshly as it sounds. It’s only meant in a truthful way. We’d met, chatted, been friends plus, which amounts to an attraction that hung in the space between us, and that was it. I wasn’t family, I wasn’t a girlfriend, and I was at best… a friend. Not a close one either. The kind of friend you know you could be with but are too afraid because: it’d be too good, it’d be very deep and intimate, you’re not ready. The kind of friend…. you keep an arms length away. Get too close and you’re likely to fall. Hard.
Pretty sure it wasn’t just me that felt it either because, as I’m sure you assumed already, he came back. If I had to guess, because we’ve never talked about it, I’d say he’s drawn to me and he’s not 100% sure what to do about that. Guys don’t think with their hearts the same way women do or can.
Seems clear to me that when drawn to someone you need to either roll with it and see where it takes you, or ask yourself why you’re not rolling with it. Or why you’re drawn to them. Guys get all weirded out about clingy girls, and commitment, and till death do us part. I’m not saying that’s AZ’s problem… it’s anyone’s guess what’s up his ass. At this point… I’ve given up trying to figure it out.
When he popped back up shortly before New Years he was sweet. Said he’d missed me, was interested in how life was going, normal stuff if we were just friends. We clearly aren’t, but the effort was appreciated.
There have been silences between us since, and not all were his fault. I got my hopes up early on that we’d end up sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, but I should have know that the timing was still off and it was a pipe dream. So, I did what any scared ish-less chick would do- I tried to get over him.
Yeah. I know. Tried. Obviously I either didn’t try hard enough, he’s just that hot, or… and this one I’m foggy on, but maybe God does have a plan for us. All I know is this-it’s not a coincidence how I met him, how it went after, that we’ve gotten to this point, or that my picky ass heart chose him. It’s just not.
It just occurred to me- no matter what you believe, if people are meant to be together then they are. It’s not always an easy, well lit, meticulously maintained path to get there, but you end up where you’re supposed to be regardless.
Now, because I do believe in God, I can’t just half ass that. I can’t say that God helped me find strength to make it this far but then dropped me off here in cow country and said “fend for yourself”. Since I believe he has a plan for me, the perfect guy picked out, a white picket fence somewhere with my name on it, then nothing AZ or I do to try to derail the relationship train should work. Unless, it’s not the plan.
I’ve been a part of a couple very special, meant to be, kismet kind of relationships. Neither of my previous experiences went smoothly, to plan, or frankly should have worked. They both changed me, brought me to maturity and adulthood, and fortified my belief that true love exists. It is a thing people.
With all of this said, I still have so much hanging out there, unsaid, between AZ and I. In the last 30 days we discussed dating, he had a health crisis (the resolution to which I’m not privy to), I did what I could to support him, and he… vanished. Again. He no longer works where I do, I’m not sure if he can/will come back, and… I try to prepare myself to never hear from him again.
“Why is it up to him to make first contact?” you may ask? Because I was the last “contactor” and he was the ghoster. I can’t be the girl that chases him down. That’s not attractive or part of my nature anyway. I did what I could. He either lost his phone, broke both his thumbs, caught a nasty virus that rendered him comatose, or died. Or, and this is the worst scenario, he just ignored my last attempt to maintain contact. I’m hanging in there hoping there was a tragic double thumb war incident.
So, now I’m talking to him in the shower, almost daily, saying things I didn’t get to and may never get to now, and asking myself: when do I call it quits and put an end to the waiting altogether? What am I actually waiting for?! If it’s going to happen, then you better believe it will whether I stew every day about it or not.
In the interest of feeling better, and being happy, I’m now going to consider our one way, hot and sudsy convos, complete. Praying is always welcomed and encouraged but the “I need to tell him ____” time needs to be done.
For all I know…. his thumbs are in splints and he’s driving his truck around town only using his fingertips. Not my issue to worry about.
He knows how to find me. God will nudge him if it’s in the plan.
Love is always a gift. Love is quite often the answer. Love also…. can be hard. Heart wrenching. Painful. I know what the Bible says, ok? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I Corinthians 13:4
A lot of us know that passage by heart. It’s not supposed to be anything that makes you feel rough. But the full experience of love isn’t an easy one from beginning to end. Love brings you to your knees and changes who you are and how you see the world. I said it was a gift… but not how that gift would effect you. That part is up to you. It’s not always comfortable or easy, and it sure doesn’t always feel wonderful and happy.
There’s a line from When Harry Met Sally that sticks in my head. Billy Crystal says “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Author Elizabeth Gilbert said in a FB post about her current partner that once you see truth (her love for her PERSON) you can’t unsee it. Love is like that right? Once it hits you…sits in your heart like it just BELONGS there, you can’t just open the front door and tell it to go play in traffic. You have to look it full in the face and regardless of how it may hurt you, you have to acknowledge it. It requires your attention.
That’s where I’m at. Right in the middle of my dark one bedroom, looking love straight in the face and asking God what he wants me to do with this. If I’m honest I’m mad. I’m really hot about it, because he’s not a person that having a relationship with would be easy. It’s not someone willing to walk into the light with me. Not yet anyway. This version of love doesn’t fill me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes with happiness and glowy type feelings. It leaves me feeling empty and…bereft. Desperate. Insecure.
I currently mourn a relationship that never started, a man that I’ve never spent more than a couple of hours with at a time. It doesn’t feel like me, or something I would do, to fall for a guy like this that I don’t know through and through… and yet sometimes it feels like my heart knows him. I have no other way of explaining this. It’s like communication on a different level, and… I know with certainty that I’m not the only one that feels it.
The details are yet to be told and listed. Maybe one day when I can do it without crying. Today isn’t the day. All I know is that there was a seed planted in my heart the day that I met him. I didn’t know it at the time, and I wouldn’t recognize it for many months, but something clicked on that day. Something deep in my heart fell into place like “oh, there it is” now things make more sense. I get it, without actually having a relationship with someone how does this happen?! Well, we have one of sorts…just not the version I’d like. That, my friends, is how love ends up hurting more than it feels good.
There are so many complicated things about he and I just being together that to try to unravel it here and now would loosen the knot, and untether me from the earth. I’d float off into space. So, I’ll give you the list of things I do know for sure.
I met him for a reason. Maybe several of them. But the story isn’t over yet.
We understand each other. I can look at him, and just know. Just know what the truth is, how he feels, sometimes what he’s thinking. I know he feels it.
I see him in my life. In the future portions of my life, I see him there. I wonder if he sees it too.
We’re both scared. Out of our minds.
He thinks about dating me too. We’ve talked about it.
This kind of connection only happens once in a while. For me, he’s only like the 3rd man I’ve felt this way about. 3 men total in my life.
It’s the kind of thing that if let loose, if let be wild and free, this version of love could burn the whole world down. That’s why it’s so scary. If it ended poorly… it would crush us both with one blow. But oh if it just grew wings and flew…
He’s not ready. He’s stated it out loud.
He also stated he’s not good at relationships.
His most recent ex burned him. Not hurt, because I’m not sure he loved her with the kind of fierceness that lasts a lifetime. But she really made his life hard and made him feel awful about himself for a long time.
He puts his son first, as he should.
I can’t quit him. Or forget him. I’ve tried. I think he has too.
I sometimes get a vibe from him that he doesn’t feel good enough for me. Weird, since I don’t feel good enough for him.
Lastly, it really isn’t the right time. No matter what my heart wants or how ready I think I am, I have unfinished business. So does he.
I won’t hear from him for a while. He’s got a lot going on. A lot. It’s understandable, and makes all of the sense in the world. I’m sad. I will miss all of our interactions. There’s nothing to be done.
I’m taking the summer, friends, to get my heart back on track. To improve my life, my outlook, my health, my overall bigger picture. Maybe we will circle back around and I’ll end up with him. Or maybe I’ll move in a different direction and be thankful for the brief time we did have, where he showed me what it’s really like again. He reminded me what it’s like to find that connection and chemistry.
Put out good vibes for me. Right now it’s like an open wound. It hurts. It hurts so much more now that I recognize and see the love I have for him.
I keep thinking I’ll wake up tomorrow, and I’ll feel better. Somehow. But as long as I can’t see him, daily, even for five minutes, or hear his voice… I’m missing something. Something I didn’t know I needed. It’s awful.
There’s beauty in the breakdown