Hurt

I’m so sorry dear reader…

This is me taking a moment to scream into the night.

To throw things.

To curl up in a ball in the dark and cry.

This space right here… this has always been my safe space.

This corner of the internet has been my sounding board when I didn’t want to bother my “people” with consoling me anymore.

I’m so sad. Hurt all the way through to my core. And this is where I’m going to write it all out… and leave it.

I’m dropping off my hurt feelings and sadness here.

Because I can’t keep doing it without letting it go.

And… I can’t tell him. He’s in the wind. Probably nursing his own heart. Maybe. Or… just moving on. Getting back into his routine. The one developed long before I was even someone he thought about meeting.

Guess I should try to do the same.

I said try.

So here we are. It’s just you and me anonymous reader.

Could you hug me please?

Could you send good thoughts, happy vibes? Please…?

I’ve prayed. Wept. Slept. Written. Ranted. Eaten. Driven. Bathed. Sat. Read.

All the things.

Nothing helps. It hurts. He was my friend once. Above all else… he listened and made me feel safe. I cried in front of him… three-ish weeks together after he came home, and he saw me cry.

He was someone I would have called my person… eventually.

My mind chose him. But better yet… so did my heart. My finicky, frayed around the edges, love loud and big, heart.

He wasn’t like any guy before him, which is a dumb thing to say. No one is really like anyone else.

But with him I had laughter. I had his funny, sweet, generous, amazing personality. I had a friend before I had anything else. A good friend that I had an unexpected unexplainable connection with.

If you’ve read this blog for more than a year you’re going to wonder how he’s different from AZ… or the bobsledder…

I know I feel too deeply, it’s true.

But here’s the difference between him and the others:

Our connection. The level we seemed to understand each other. He felt like… home.

I may have been the only one to feel that. It happens.

What I remember now and is hard to let go…

How he made me feel. How he treated me. How… in his own way, for a brief time, he valued me. I felt important to him.

Do you know how big that is?!

Now that he’s gone… I’m trying to feel important to myself. I’m trying to put me first.

Any idea how hard that is for me?! It’s not in my nature…

But he won’t talk to me. So we can’t even talk each other through this… we can’t even lean on each other.

Really… for all I know… he’s mad at me. Hates the thought of how things went. I got scared… told him I didn’t think I was right for him. His uncertainty of a relationship made me question… if it was me. I just wanted him to tell me it wasn’t.

But that my friends is the problem.

Things like this aren’t personal. It’s not me. Somewhere in my mind I know that. Somewhere.

I’m lost my friends. Lost and sad and hurt, yet expected to carry on and act like I’m not.

I miss my friend. We were supposed to “stay in touch” but… I guess he doesn’t want to.

My best friend said that maybe he can’t be my friend. Maybe he doesn’t want me to hang on for 7 months.

Maybe.

A month ago he would have just told me that. If he really cared he’d tell me that now…

All the things I can’t and won’t get to tell him swirl around in my head.

As I try not to lump him in with any other guy who hurt me.

All of this feels like a game. I want to tell him I miss him. Blow up his phone with texts that he will ignore. Ignoring how I feel and that I miss him feels disingenuous.

As I lay in bed I know… I’ll never be the same.

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