Breadcrumbs. This is where they are… they’re all here if anyone in my life ever cares enough.. or wants to “find” me… needs to see where my head and my heart were at, at any point in time… The little pieces of my heart that I couldn’t fit back into place I leave here… hopeful that someone will eventually pick them up and help me put them back. I’m fractured right now. Shattered. I feel things too deeply… but I can’t change that.
This blog has been… this blog has saved me. Saved me from myself. Saved me from my pain. Saved me from my sadness. Saved me from the things that get locked up and never let out otherwise.
I am discouraged. Disheartened. I feel… unwanted, unimportant, unworthy. We’ll get to why in a bit, but first let me say… I know this all happened for a reason and that… everything works together for good. I know it does. But my heart hurts right now. I… was brave. I put myself out there. *sigh*
I will rebound. I’m not so fragile that I won’t bounce back. But I needed a moment to be sad, and grieve and process.
I drove up to Breckinridge and cried, and yelled, listened to music and prayed. I needed to get it all out.
I’m working on just letting my feelings be. Allowing myself to process and to feel what I feel, process what I need to process. It’s hard because I shame myself about my feelings. I do it a lot.
I had to step back because I got a shock yesterday. Mr. W had already gone back overseas. He didn’t tell me he was leaving, I didn’t get to hug him and tell him to take care and say my goodbyes. I didn’t know I wouldn’t even remotely get to see him again for 7 months, if then.
I felt like… the last 4-5 months getting close to this person had just been tossed aside. I didn’t even deserve to be told… and I know he didn’t mean it to hurt me. He probably didn’t even think about it, honestly. I was… an afterthought and that in itself stings.
I am sad about so many things but mostly that I thought… I thought things were different. We weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive. We weren’t together. But we’d shared something and… I guess I’m the only one that felt that way.
So, ok. Things, how it went while he was here, make more sense, if I assume a few things. I’m not going to do that. I trust him. I think he had his reasons for everything, including the things that my perception said were off or there was something he wasn’t telling me. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. I can trust that he did the best thing for himself, and still be sad.
There is more to the story but I may never know what it is.
The whole thing… this situation… made me sad. Heartbroken.
I was blinded by the intimacy that was fostered by all of the communication being online. It’s always easier to speak the hard things, tell the truth, if you’re not looking someone in the face.
When you finally see someone in person vulnerability is harder. Truth sticks in your throat when looking someone in the eye. It’s easier to leave things unsaid.
Now that he and I are here… in this place… back where we were a couple of months ago… it’s different. There’s all of this stuff that sits unsaid between us. That really makes me the saddest. I miss… I miss my friend. The guy who didn’t judge… and liked me anyway… and I felt safe with. He made me feel safe.
I wonder if he knows but… I don’t even feel like I could tell him that now. His wall has made me start to build my own and… I hate that. I’d spent so much time dismantling that f-ing wall!
But really… it’s an effort to be someone’s close friend, and I don’t feel like… I can ask him for that at this point. I feel like it’s too much. He’s already backed away from me and… I can’t stop him. He’s allowed to not be my friend. He’s allowed to not want to date me. He’s allowed to leave me behind…
Before, he wanted to get to know me. To “hear me out”. Now… I think he’s got other things to deal with. I’m not a… priority. I shouldn’t be. We aren’t.. we aren’t anything.
To be clear: he’s not so harsh as to say we aren’t friends. He didn’t tell me to go kick rocks. But… I’d be surprised if we communicate like we did before. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about my feelings or the things I’m struggling with or how my life is going. I don’t feel like… he should care about any of that. He didn’t want me.
I am resilient. I’ve proven it to myself. I have no doubt that once I forgive myself for scaring this one off, once I accept my worth again, once I’ve forgotten about how it felt when he held me… I will be fine.
Until then, I’ll just be here… trying to fit the pieces of my heart back together and love myself again.