I know I’ve written about the timing in life before friends. It was a few months ago, but I sometimes circle back around to certain subjects in my life. I think we all do.
I hate the cliche “trust the timing of your life”. It absolutely makes my eye twitch. Any time I’ve read it, or had it said out loud to me, I’ve wanted to slap someone. It’s super not helpful to try to “trust the timing” of your freakin life when you’re struggling. But… I am going to admit to the validity of the phrase. *sigh*
I never thought I could have children. It’s a tale filled with lots of TMI kind of details, and we’re going to skip it. Let’s just say that I found a doctor, took some sweet ass supplements, and got knocked up really unexpectedly.
Had I done that even 9 months earlier I would have gotten preggo with a guy (assuming Av was still possibly genetically flawed) who would have tried to talk me into aborting. He was a man who very clearly stated he could never have/raise a special needs child. Of any kind.
Of course, we would have parted ways, I would have been a single mother sooner, and Av would have had a very disfunctionally alcoholic father.
See the timing here?
But it’s not just that. I can trace all kinds of things to divine timing, because my lovely readers… I’m sure most of you know who I give credit to. I am completely aware that the path of my life, and the strength it’s taken to get me through some traumatic things, still breathing and such, was not mine alone. I’ve not done anything alone.
It’s recently occurred to me that this timing thing applies to my heart too. Yes, I’m super good at love. Expert level even. Not scared, not deterred, convinced that true love, as well as so many other kinds, exists. That doesn’t mean I just fall for anyone. Oh no my lovelies, my heart is a cold picky bitch.
Case in point: there is a very sweet, handsome, funny man that has within the last three months admitted to feelings of the love variety for me. He is patient and kind, thoughtful and insightful, and yet… I had to tell him my heart didn’t choose him.
He knows what I need to hear, thinks of things to make me smile, and I’m pretty sure misses me when we don’t spend time together. He is my comfort and safe place to fall, but I don’t have desire for him… and friends, that matters. After my passionless marriage, I will never again ignore lack of chemistry, or desire (on my part). *I don’t claim to know if there’s passion or chemistry on someone else’s side of the equation*
The shorter version is, he knows how to “love” me in ways I need but I don’t have any desire to kiss him every time I see him.
I’ve shed a few gallons of tears over this so trust and believe when I say I’ve also prayed about it. But I’m very certain, in my dark little crabby heart, that he’s not my forever person. Forever friend? Maybe. That always remains to be seen.
Lately, as I ask myself why things have gone the way that they did, and how grinchy mc picky pants (aka my heart) could have chosen someone that didn’t want to date me, I have to give cred to… yep. Timing.
There’s obviously so much to that whole story that I would never try to reduce my connection with someone to just when/how/why I met them. That isn’t fair, true, or do it justice. However, timing is a cruel snarling beast too because I’m fairly certain it’s also the reason he and I didn’t “work out”.
I wish I could insert an expression into word form here. Let’s just say if you’ve met me…. you know what face I’m making. The rest of you will have to imagine a very appropriate type of look on my mug.
It’s been made very clear to me, as only time and acquired perspective can, that I’m going to just have to keep focusing out ahead on the path I’m walking. I need to come to terms with my truths, keep eliminating fear from my thoughts and my heart, and live (and love) the best way I know how.