Fear

Sometimes things reoccur in your life for a reason. You may be struggling with something or not paying attention. Regardless of what it is, that thing will present itself to you till you pay attention. My word for the year is “fear”. I have to conquer it one little bit at a time. When I left my husband and stepped out into the light again, I was completely terrified. I had no idea how I would afford everything, or live alone again, or see my son as often as he needed me to. It was…. awful.

I got settled in here, and started to feel comfortable again, and realized I still had so many things I was afraid of that I needed to deal with. I still haven’t filed. Money is a constant worry. My autistic son starts kindergarten in three weeks. SO MUCH STUFF. I promised myself that I would live fearless. That I would find the love in myself, and focus on the positive energy around me and in me. I focus my thoughts on that every day. It’s the first thing I think of in the morning when I wake up. How is today going to be a positive one for me? How am I going to conquer the fear that still lives inside me?

One of the first things I’ve decided to do is…speak only truth. No matter what it is or how I feel about speaking it out loud, I will do it. No more repressing the things I think, or that go through my head. I need to be clear here, when speaking the truth it is MY truth, and no one else’s. I’m not expressing anything mean or hurtful or selfish. These are the things that I feel for others or that I think they should know. Everything is done in love. EVERYTHING.

When you look at the things you fear very carefully, you realize that you’ve manufactured a bigger thing in your head than is necessary. Most of my fears are insecurity based or in regards to rejection. I have a lot of social awkwardness still and I feel like I may never completely defeat my anxiety. One day at a time.

In the meantime, I tell people when I feel things for them. Appreciation, love, concern… all of the things that I think in my head about other’s welfare are now expressed to them somehow. It is working to unburden my heart a little, but I find that on days that I am tired or not feeling my best it is harder because my instinct is to crawl back into old routines and my own little shell to regroup. It is exhausting. It’s like a constant fight with yourself to be better than yesterday while still dealing with today’s new problem or issue.

Fear has no real place or foothold in my life. I have so much I want to do, and so many things I want to experience. Fear and Love can not live together in the same heart and head. You have to choose one.

I choose LOVE.

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