Love is always a gift. Love is quite often the answer. Love also…. can be hard. Heart wrenching. Painful. I know what the Bible says, ok? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I Corinthians 13:4
A lot of us know that passage by heart. It’s not supposed to be anything that makes you feel rough. But the full experience of love isn’t an easy one from beginning to end. Love brings you to your knees and changes who you are and how you see the world. I said it was a gift… but not how that gift would effect you. That part is up to you. It’s not always comfortable or easy, and it sure doesn’t always feel wonderful and happy.
There’s a line from When Harry Met Sally that sticks in my head. Billy Crystal says “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Author Elizabeth Gilbert said in a FB post about her current partner that once you see truth (her love for her PERSON) you can’t unsee it. Love is like that right? Once it hits you…sits in your heart like it just BELONGS there, you can’t just open the front door and tell it to go play in traffic. You have to look it full in the face and regardless of how it may hurt you, you have to acknowledge it. It requires your attention.
That’s where I’m at. Right in the middle of my dark one bedroom, looking love straight in the face and asking God what he wants me to do with this. If I’m honest I’m mad. I’m really hot about it, because he’s not a person that having a relationship with would be easy. It’s not someone willing to walk into the light with me. Not yet anyway. This version of love doesn’t fill me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes with happiness and glowy type feelings. It leaves me feeling empty and…bereft. Desperate. Insecure.
I currently mourn a relationship that never started, a man that I’ve never spent more than a couple of hours with at a time. It doesn’t feel like me, or something I would do, to fall for a guy like this that I don’t know through and through… and yet sometimes it feels like my heart knows him. I have no other way of explaining this. It’s like communication on a different level, and… I know with certainty that I’m not the only one that feels it.
The details are yet to be told and listed. Maybe one day when I can do it without crying. Today isn’t the day. All I know is that there was a seed planted in my heart the day that I met him. I didn’t know it at the time, and I wouldn’t recognize it for many months, but something clicked on that day. Something deep in my heart fell into place like “oh, there it is” now things make more sense. I get it, without actually having a relationship with someone how does this happen?! Well, we have one of sorts…just not the version I’d like. That, my friends, is how love ends up hurting more than it feels good.
There are so many complicated things about he and I just being together that to try to unravel it here and now would loosen the knot, and untether me from the earth. I’d float off into space. So, I’ll give you the list of things I do know for sure.
I met him for a reason. Maybe several of them. But the story isn’t over yet.
We understand each other. I can look at him, and just know. Just know what the truth is, how he feels, sometimes what he’s thinking. I know he feels it.
I see him in my life. In the future portions of my life, I see him there. I wonder if he sees it too.
We’re both scared. Out of our minds.
He thinks about dating me too. We’ve talked about it.
This kind of connection only happens once in a while. For me, he’s only like the 3rd man I’ve felt this way about. 3 men total in my life.
It’s the kind of thing that if let loose, if let be wild and free, this version of love could burn the whole world down. That’s why it’s so scary. If it ended poorly… it would crush us both with one blow. But oh if it just grew wings and flew…
He’s not ready. He’s stated it out loud.
He also stated he’s not good at relationships.
His most recent ex burned him. Not hurt, because I’m not sure he loved her with the kind of fierceness that lasts a lifetime. But she really made his life hard and made him feel awful about himself for a long time.
He puts his son first, as he should.
I can’t quit him. Or forget him. I’ve tried. I think he has too.
I sometimes get a vibe from him that he doesn’t feel good enough for me. Weird, since I don’t feel good enough for him.
Lastly, it really isn’t the right time. No matter what my heart wants or how ready I think I am, I have unfinished business. So does he.
I won’t hear from him for a while. He’s got a lot going on. A lot. It’s understandable, and makes all of the sense in the world. I’m sad. I will miss all of our interactions. There’s nothing to be done.
I’m taking the summer, friends, to get my heart back on track. To improve my life, my outlook, my health, my overall bigger picture. Maybe we will circle back around and I’ll end up with him. Or maybe I’ll move in a different direction and be thankful for the brief time we did have, where he showed me what it’s really like again. He reminded me what it’s like to find that connection and chemistry.
Put out good vibes for me. Right now it’s like an open wound. It hurts. It hurts so much more now that I recognize and see the love I have for him.
I keep thinking I’ll wake up tomorrow, and I’ll feel better. Somehow. But as long as I can’t see him, daily, even for five minutes, or hear his voice… I’m missing something. Something I didn’t know I needed. It’s awful.