Ever since Steve died, I haven’t felt like writing. I’m not sure if there is a connection, but that’s been the timing of things. I mourned him, and realized a few things that I won’t mention here… yet. Or maybe ever. It’s been a month. A solid month.
I will say I’ve felt uninspired, lack-luster, and at times totally bummed out. I let my mind go back to old negative patterns of thought and… I gained weight.
Not lots of weight, and I don’t really care to be honest, but it is a sign of how much I let things go last month.
I stopped getting on the dating apps. I don’t care about that either. I have a couple guys that are still hanging out, and that’s ok, but I’ve also come to terms with something: I’m in love. We’ll come back to this.
I’ve been absent from my own life and I can tell you, it felt strange to realize that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going lately.
I’m usually very future driven. I always have a plan, I map things out, know what I want and that I have to do certain things to get there, and in general just keep my eye on the forward movement of life. I let that go for a while. I’m not sure it was a bad thing, but I’m not sure it was good either.
I know that things go better for me when I’m very mindful of them. When I live with intention and a focus. I lost it for a while. The worst part was I didn’t really care. I was numb to the whole thing.
Which brings me to now. I snapped to of it probably two nights ago. It was like all of a sudden waking up and not remembering falling asleep, but here you are feeling like you gotta get your A out of bed and “get it in gear sister”!
So, I did. I went to church yesterday. I started back eating better today. Took a brisk walk. Here we are…blogging. Everything is right in the world again. Mostly.
So, my friend, the one that I got hired here, that I fell for a while ago and have been trying to not feel like I still want to try that out with, has been ill. But even before that, he indicated that maybe… just maybe, he could be the guy that makes me happy. As in dating. As in, he and I, together. This was…. well earth shattering almost. I had it in my mind that he’d never want me that way. I knew better but my head is in a weird place where he is concerned. Such a long story for another time. The point here is, I wanted something for a long time, and then possibly could have it and…I freaked out. I think I tried to “friend-zone” him. AGAIN. It’s safer that way right?!
Noooooo….. there is no amount of trying to pull back and shield my feelings to be done with this guy. I’ve realized in the last two weeks that what I feel is something closer to love than I’d like to admit.
That my friends is about all I have in me today. Sorry for going dark. Working through mental stuff is like walking through a giant vat of rubber cement sometimes. Very slow going.
More on AZ, as I call him, later.