I don’t ever get mad. It’s not my emotion of default. But I’m angry, and I don’t understand.
I’m mad at God.
Since I’m never the type to be angry, or mad, it’s a very uncomfortable thing. It makes me feel… raw.
I think there is a purpose for everything. I’ve witnessed in my own life how things have fit together to make me into the person I am, with the life I have. I know God has always had a plan for me. I’ve never questioned it. Never.
Lately I’ve been asking “WHY?!”
People are put in my life for a reason. I’ve always felt like God gave me the friends I needed, at the time I needed them. He has put people in my path when it was the perfect time.
I don’t know why God had me meet Steven Holcomb.
I know I shouldn’t question. Really though. It’s not up to me to know the plan. But… I have felt like there should be a reason if he’s going to allow me to feel this awful.
In the last two months I’ve felt so small, so insignificant, so unimportant… and I’d like to think there’s a good reason.
In the last 5 days I’ve felt so sad, and so confused. When you meet a sweet genuine soul like Steven… you know there’s no replacement. He’s an original. I keep thinking of his mother, and his best friends. It makes it hurt worse because I can imagine how they must feel… I’m still depressed and I only met him once and had minimal time interacting with him.
On top of that… why did God take him? Why him?! Of everything I know, and all of the things his closest say of him… it’s terribly unfair. *I could go off of my own impressions of him, but again… who am I?!
It just seems unreal. In his sleep. At 37. His heart. His HEART. There’s something so wrong about the whole thing.
I’m going to say this… all of this post is out of my comfort zone. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel without feeling terrible about it later, but honestly… who reads this anyway?!
I’m mad because I don’t see the point. I don’t know why I needed to meet such a great guy if God was not only going to take him, but take him before we were even what I would consider good friends. I tried to “be there”, but he was a tough egg to crack and I ended up feeling… small. Only good for one thing, which I don’t even wanna put into words. That’s on me, not him.
But again… I ask myself AND God: why do I get to wake up every day and he doesn’t?! I feel like his purpose was bigger, and unfulfilled. I feel like he had more ability to impact people and do things. I feel like… he was more important. God should have taken someone else… even me, in his place.
I’m in a pretty dark place right now. My birthday is in two days and… I just want to skip it. All of it.