True Nature

Oh Monday, you salty B you. I’ll tell you… I woke up with a smile that I’m still wearing but I remembered when I got to work that its military payday. Weeeeeee!!! Check back with me at like… 3pm. 

I really do love my job. That’s really not the issue. My manager rides me around the office though, and expects damn near perfection all the time, so lord help me if I have a rough day. It’s a little stressful. Or a lot stressful if I’m not feeling 100%. 

I had a great weekend, but it left me mulling a few things over. First, if you’ve noticed I don’t post as often it’s because I’ve gotten to the “just live life” portion. I go through phases where I over analyze and fret, and stew, and cry, and just in general feel miserable, but this is the opposite of that. For now. 

Life is like a balancing act all the time, and I wouldn’t know how great being happy is if I wasn’t occasionally miserable. Just the reality of things. 

Back to the “mulling”…. if I had the ability to be invisible, I’d be invincible. Not because I want to disappear and not be bothered, or be a spy and know what’s happening behind closed doors between individuals. I’m an observer, a people watcher. But it’s more than that. I want to see who people are when no one is watching. Who are you behind the scenes when there’s no perk to being genuine or good? 

It’s all well and good to be kind, or patient, or sweet when out in public. Who are you when you’re alone? How does your personality show itself when it’s just you moving about your day in between social interactions? I think that’s really where it’s at. The important stuff is your true nature. 

So much of what we do is driven by what perception we want to give off. You want to seem unapproachable? Be the quiet person wearing a frown most of the time. You’d like to appear “pulled together” and professional? You play the part.

I’m not as interested in that. I want to see the deep dark corners where people are scared, lonely, alone, or more positive things. What makes you calm, or refreshed, or happy, but not in a superficial, “put on a show” kind of way? 

I want to see the real person. Who someone actually is. It’s hard, and not likely to happen with most. I watch for indications, signals, little body language queues, or the underlying tone of the way someone speaks. Sometimes I catch the undertone or the words that hang in the air unspoken… and sometimes people have built such a fortress that I’d never be able to scale their walls on my own. 

I am so good at listening and being empathetic and always at least trying to understand. I don’t want to pry into people’s lives, so I don’t. I want someone to want to tell me stuff. I also want them to be themselves, without expectations, or worries about judgements or ridicule or rejection. I like being a close friend. 

As they say, you can lead a dog… or is it a horse? Doesn’t matter because cliches make my eye twitch, but you get the point. 

I’d like to think no one close to me is afraid to be authentic. I try to tell myself I’m a good person to open up to. I find lately though that I’m not sure when people close themselves off if it’s me, or it’s them. I try to always accept that things work out that way for a reason, and not feel too bad. It’s hard. I take things personally when… it’s not even about me and how I F-ed up, or didn’t. 

So for now, I’m just going to continue to be me. I’m pretty great at sarcasm, smiling, and dreaming. Have we met?! 

Step into my world and we’ll discuss why masking who you really are, and being anything but genuine and authentic is too much work! For reals. 

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