It’s colder here the last couple of days. The sun is behind the clouds, and when I stepped out of the car this morning it felt like cold Seattle air brushing past my face. I almost felt refreshed. Almost.
I slept little to none last night. I swear there are times that my life feels put together and times where it feels like it’s falling apart. Sounds dramatic but I don’t usually create drama over it. I hunker down and try to ride out the storm.
I’m done with dating for now. Not because of my last post. It was always either going to work out with him or it wasn’t. I’m still a little sad and disappointed but… time moves on. No, I’m done with dating because I don’t know that it’s the right time for me. I keep thinking I’m ready and then I try but somehow it ends up feeling all wrong. Like I’m screwing up or not doing what’s right for me or him.
The main issue lately is I feel like I gotta prove myself to people. I feel like I have to show men why I’m worth it. I feel like I have to explain why I am the way I am, or what makes me… worthy.
It’s likely just my perception of things, but sometimes guys do ask the questions that end up feeling like they’re looking for a reason to be interested. Maybe that’s just an online dating side effect.
I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I don’t wanna change for anyone. I’m great at compromise, I’m good at getting along, seeing things from others perspectives, all of that jazz. I’m just not going to do anything major unless I want to, or… maybe if Chris Helmsworth showed up and said “I’ll stay with you forever if…”. Even then I might be like “Look Thor, you’re stupid hot, but I’m not going to work on my stubbornness for you. That ship’s sailed man.”
I was just talking to my bestie yesterday about the things we shouldn’t have to do if we’ve found the right person. I’m not sure now is the best time to list them all, but believe me, it’s not a short list.
I really have always felt that at some point I’m going to be the exact right person for someone as I am. No “working on” shhh, no I just gotta lose___ or learn to ___. Just as I am. Right. This. Minute. Or really, the minute I meet that person. Some guy will look me in the eye, and instead of saying “prove it” he’ll say “you’re amazing, and I love you”.
Just wait for it friends… it’s going to be great. P