Deleted

I’m laying in bed asking myself a lot of unanswerable questions. I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve got too much stuff going on to list here. However, my feelings are hurt at the moment, and instead of doing what I’d normally do which is minimize that, I’m going to be honest and real about it. I’m going to admit to my hurt and why. 

What’s really on my mind is what I’m going to put here and I’m fairly positive that the person that is the focus of this particular post will never read this. It wouldn’t occur to him to even look at this little blog space of mine. In the end, he doesn’t really care about me… and that’s the point. 

Right after Christmas I met someone online. He seemed funny and genuine and kind. I’m not going to say that he isn’t those things truly, what I’m going to say is that I don’t know. He has been less than what I would consider “kind” in the last month. 

We had one date. One. It wasn’t overly remarkable other than there was what I would call chemistry, or connection there. I would have loved a second, third, fourth… I would have liked to get to know him better. At least be friends if we didn’t work out as a couple. To be honest… I kinda thought we were friends. 

This man is from a different world. Really that’s the only way to explain it. He’s a “celebrity” in the world of sports. I’m not going to list his specific sport, or title or anything here. He may be kind of an ass (believe me I don’t take saying that about someone lightly) but he’s entitled to privacy too. That’ll probably be the worst of what you hear me say about him because… I don’t have the whole story and I always cut people a break. Even if maybe they don’t deserve it. 

So ok, one date, sports celebrity. None of his notoriety made any difference to me. He could have been Lance F ing Armstrong or Russel Wilson and if he was a total ass when I met him I wouldn’t have given him a second thought. His achievements meant nothing to me, his status or whatever we’d call it didn’t matter… to me he was sweet and handsome and funny. And a good kisser… not that it matters now. But those things stuck with me. The person I met wasn’t the sort of famous guy with their own Wikipedia. The guy I chatted with over dinner was reserved and dry witted and… well to me he was hot. I really felt sparks. 

I was not on my game the night we went out. I had a nasty cold. I’m not sure I’d paid attention to what I was wearing or how I looked… I felt rough around the edges and exhausted, but I was excited to meet him because in text… he was very funny, and I was attracted. 

I blew it at the beginning of the date. We met somewhere for dinner and I was early but when he got there I didn’t get up and hug him. I’d thought about what I should do but I was so nervous… I just couldn’t. That was the last date I remember being so nervous I couldn’t stand it. I was drawn to him… and I was beside myself. 

I didn’t eat much. Nerves do that to me. Between my cold and my anxiety… I’m lucky I ate at all. I don’t remember everything we talked about but I do remember one story he told me from his childhood, and one thing he said to me about my mental health issues. Those things I’m keeping to myself. They’re mine, and I just can’t share them here. 

He walked me to my car, I drove him to his and then after dropping his car off, we drove a little. My throat was killing me so I made a stop at Sonic for a strawberry slush and we continued to chat. He was not like I expected but in a good way. I never once saw him as someone out of my league or as a celebrity really. I think I didn’t give weight to his accomplishments because again…. I wasn’t on a date with him because of that. It was because I found him attractive and we somehow clicked. 

I took him back to where he was staying, which again, I’m keeping to myself for his privacy, and we kissed. It was… well for me it was perfect. There was chemistry and attraction and…. magic. I wanted more. We don’t always get what we want… 

I’m not sure how the story would have gone if he had been here longer. I like to think I wasn’t alone in wanting more, in thinking it’d be great to get to know this person… but with recent… things… I’m not sure. Time does funny things sometimes to your memory and thoughts, twists what once seemed so clear. 

He left a couple of days after our date to go “work”. He was overseas so I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from him or how to contact him so it didn’t cost him money. I ended up using snapchat. Seemed reasonable because it’s web based, and if you have wifi… well, anyway. It worked for a bit. 

The nature of our exchanges is again, private, not completely mine to share. There was mutual expressed interest and we kept in touch for almost 3 solid months. What happened after that is really anyone’s guess. 

After I moved out and the weight of living alone without my son in an over priced and deathly silent apartment set in, I decided to tell him I was struggling. I told him I was in a funk, that I was working on it, but that I’d be here, and I was still interested. He gave me a few words of encouragement, and told me he felt the same. That was the last communication I got. 

I sent him a couple of follow up snaps, but they just sat unread and not another piece of communication was exchanged from his end. I was baffled, and hurt but brushed it off thinking there had to be a reason. Always assume positive intent. 

Now, by assuming positive intent I really did think about all of the rational, reasonable options. I’m still sticking with my first thought: he started dating someone. If that’s the case, then I withdraw said previous statement about him being an ass. I’m hoping this is it, not because I didn’t want to date him or I wasn’t interested, but because I do want him to be happy. I really do want what’s best for people. Everyone deserves that. This is the best case scenario. This one would make me happy. This one… I really wouldn’t blame him for erasing me and our brief interaction for. 

Other options of course include cowardice and ghosting and… well, you get it. As I type this out I’m starting to feel better… I really do like to think the best of people, and from my limited experience, he is basically a good guy. I’m still positive option one is the truth. I’m hoping. Really, I’d like to think he’s happy. But maybe I was just a random woman he met and sort of knew for a short period of time. This is likely too. 

None of this eliminates or sugar coats how I feel or that tonight, or recently (because I’m not entirely sure when it happened) I was deleted from his Snapchat contacts. 

It hit me harder than I expected considering it’s been over a month since we’d interacted and I already knew he was essentially gone. I’d prepared myself to be deleted, I knew it was coming, but for some reason… it hurt more than I thought it would. I’m maybe going to be sad over it for a couple of days. We’ll see…. this was out of my control. His choice totally. 

Which brings up the root of my hurt… he chose to end contact. I know this doesn’t reflect on me, I know I’ll likely never know why, I know that it’s maybe for the best… that doesn’t change that I felt we connected, or that we both admitted interest. 

I’m not some 16 yr old with a crush here. I’ve dated, been married, getting divorced… I know a good guy when I meet them so his choice makes me feel… not good enough. I feel… like anything and everything we chatted about or shared meant nothing. I feel like some random woman… not worth his time. He’ll never know, and for that I feel better. 

I’m going to be the first to admit- this is my reaction, and I have the option to look at it differently. I don’t blame him. The only blame I place on him is this: he was inconsiderate and… possibly rude. But again… I was no one to him. I’m not special, and clearly didn’t impact his life or shape his thoughts at all. We didn’t get to the “close friends” part and the rest… well, it doesn’t matter. Only it did to me. 

I know why it’s easier to “ghost” someone than tell them you’ve decided it’s best not to  even be friends or whatever… I get it. But for me it was sudden, and hurtful. That’s all. For me it feels like I couldn’t prove why I deserved to at least be his friend. I really wasn’t even asking him for time, or effort, or emotion. Just the ability to still hear from him once in a while. 

I’ll likely never know the reason he stopped talking to me or lost interest. I’ll admit I sent him a “hope you’re well” text last week. His birthday is 2 days after my late grandfathers and I was thinking about him. That’s the only reason I remembered it after he told me. I didn’t get it from the internet. What he did tell me himself was important to me… 

He once told me to “Google” him and I did but only because I knew he wouldn’t tell me much on his own. I regretted everything I read online because I’d rather he tell me himself what he wanted me to know. I got to the first sports story and stopped. I really couldn’t stand to invade his privacy… even though he clearly has very little of that. 

The chances of ever seeing him again in person are slim to none. It makes my heart hurt a little because I saw possibility there… I felt… chemistry. No way to change what is now. 

Regardless of how this went or that I called him an ass earlier in this post, I will probably always think of him fondly. I have a memory for words (as I’ve mentioned before) and there were a couple of things that he said that will always stick with me. I have a visual memory, so I remember what color his shirt was, and how he looked when he smiled. A memory like mine is a curse sometimes. 

I like to think if I put out into the universe that my heart still wants to see him one more time… just to make sure I wasn’t wrong about the connection, that it’d happen. I guess you never know, but I won’t hold out hope. I still believe if something is meant to work out, or you belong in someone’s life, you end up there no matter how hard to try not to be. 

For now, I’ll just file away his smile with my other memories of people I met or knew once and hope for the best for him. He may not have seen me like I saw him, but I cared, I was interested, and I hope he’s well. 

*for the record, he could have had a normal 9-5, like an IT support job or something, and I’d still wanna see him again. In fact, it’s too bad he doesn’t… we could’ve had some fun together. 

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