Just Feel it

I’m a tough chick… or so I like to tell myself. Depression fighter. Sexual assault survivor. Mom to a special needs child. Brave anxiety battler. I’m sure there’s more, but let’s just leave it at that. All around bad ass, who mostly has her shhh together. Maybe this is why sometimes instead of dealing with bad feelings I stuff them in the back of my mind and move on. I’m TOUGH! 

Riiiiigggghhhht….

I’ve had some hurt feelings rolling around like a pebble in my shoe that I can’t seem to get out. Uncomfortable, but I have found a way to ignore it… unless something reminds me. When my mind brings up the memory I almost physically flinch like someone raised a hand to me and I’m waiting for the inevitable B slap. 

It’s bad enough now that I avoid certain things that would remind me of what I’d so like to forget. 

There’s no way to tell the story here. I mean… obviously there is… but it’d be a long story and… refer above. Trying to forget it. 

Except that I shouldn’t be. I should just look my hurt in the face, accept that I feel rough about it, that someone hurt me, maybe not on purpose, and just feel it. Let myself feel whatever needs to be felt and move on. 

I’ll tell you the reason I think I’m not dealing with it: because I don’t have the answers, and to get over it I’d have to learn to forget. I’m not good at that. Plus… I really don’t wanna think it through anymore. And I can’t learn to not care. I care about so many people and things that I maybe shouldn’t and I make no apologies. That’s who I am. 

After my apartment has been vacated of my guests, when I can sit, by myself, and take a deep breath, I’ll ignore my phone, and I’ll let myself feel it. It will be time by then to give in to the tears that have sat at the back of my eyes for weeks. It will be time to just admit why I’m hurt, that I can’t fix it, and that it’s ok to still care but not ok to hold it against myself anymore. 

The answer this time will be… to just feel it. 

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