I think I’m coming to a place where there’s some balance in my life. Despite my feeling of unease last week, I think my feet are finally on solid ground. I know where I’m going, and what I want. I don’t always know what I’m doing… but who does?!
It’s a snowy day here. Colorado is so weird, weather wise. The cold weather makes me wanna bundle up and sit by a fireplace somewhere reading a book. Or cuddle someone.
Last night, after traveling home from visiting my son I got a text from a man who not so long ago, unknowingly broke my heart. I’m friends with him, and I’d probably do anything for him. It’s how I roll for those who have ever been a friend to me. He helped me be brave and feel confident when I thought it was impossible. For that, he’ll always have a special place in my heart.
I got him a job at my work… but my heart does hurt a little in regards to him, so I ask myself why. Because he needed it and it will improve his life, I have no doubt. It’s what was best for him in a lot of ways, and I was happy to help. Good benefits, good pay, good daycare for his son, good company to work for. All good things.
There are things that I felt for him and about him that I’ll likely never tell him. It’s not out of fear, but out of respect for him and his life. I’ll never disrupt that. There is of course a story here that’s not being told. I know this blog is my truth, but because all stories like this involve more than me, I can’t tell it. Maybe one day, when some time has passed, I can tell it here. Maybe.
Close friends know, and I’d be honest with any man I got serious with if he asked or it was important to know, but on a blog that I’m unsure who reads… I just can’t.
So…. back to the text. It was simple. He said he thought I’d forgotten about him.
To be fair… I hadn’t thought about him a lot, which is a big deal for me. I’m an over thinker, an analyzer, a deep thought haver… (Ok that last one was kinda funny) But I had placed this gentleman in a back corner of my mind and gone about living my life.
Me being me, I couldn’t let anyone, regardless of who it is, think I’d forgotten them. It goes against my very nature. It kinda broke me a little. *I was already walking a fine line*
We chatted (aka: texted) a bit and I told him what he’d done that had helped me through my stuff. I’m a firm believer in telling people about the impact they had on you, or how they helped you. Everyone needs to know how important they are to others.
By the time I went to bed I swear my heart felt a little bruised. It’s not the first time I’ve realized, I love really hard.
Don’t get that all twisted. I love most special people in my life really hard. When my friend Nadine was having a crisis moment and cried at my desk at work, I cried with her. When my brother left two days ago, I cried all the way home from the airport. When my friend Heather found out she had type 2 and was struggling to make changes for her health, I shed a few tears over it because I could feel how hard that was.
It goes the other way too. When my best friend finally met a good guy for her, I was so happy I could have burst. When Nadine’s offer on a home was accepted we both did the happy dance.
I worry for people, I cry for people, but most of all I hope, for all of my people.
I try harder than I probably should to always put goodness out there. To be kind to everyone, and be a friend. To really just LOVE.
My closest friends would say it’s too much. That to care about people, especially men, who may not appreciate it or give back to me like I give to them, is opening myself up for hurt. Maybe. They say I should be more selective and less giving. Not going to happen.
I do protect myself a little. If I feel like attention or interaction from me is unwanted, then I back off. I don’t have it in me to be too pushy. I know what I want, and I’m motivated and driven, but I won’t run over people’s comfort zones to get there. And I certainly won’t force people to be friends with me. I’m not everyone’s favorite brand of cereal, and I won’t force myself on them. I can handle rejection, but like to avoid it like most people I know.
One of my ex’s that knows me the best, and I’m still friends with, told me I always made him uncomfortable with how little I protect my heart. I just give it away to people for free. I wouldn’t say free, but I certainly don’t ask what’s in it for me. He used to have whole discussions with me about people needing to earn love.
I don’t agree. Everyone deserves love. Everyone.
So if I get hurt, or feel that my love isn’t returned, so be it. I actually welcome it, because that means I really cared. I loved hard. I didn’t let the way the world works, or how other people feel about me change how I treated them.
I really do think, in most cases, love is the answer.