The state of things 

I’ve been feeling small, and insignificant, and quiet. I don’t know why, and usually I do. I’m pretty self aware, usually. I know I’m feeling stressed and I had a few things going on this week, but mostly there are a couple of things that don’t make sense to me at the moment, and I think I’m feeling unsure of myself….insecure. It’s not a norm for me, and it feels odd. 

I’m not the typical woman, but all women have a level of “crazy” right? There’s a whole matrix. *I posted it a bit ago here. It’s the YouTube video about the crazy hot matrix. Look back a few posts if you’re curious. Hilarious. * Most women will admit that we are in general… nuts. I’m typically pretty leveled out, but I have my moments. 

I’m not sure where exactly I am on the scale, but I’m on there somewhere. I absolutely have a crazy element to me, and I make no apologies for it. Women have hormones, and levels of emotion that most men will NEVER understand. We go through things that no male, doctor or otherwise, could comprehend. We don’t think the same way, or respond to stress or daily life the same way. Our extra “x” makes us extra special. Just sayin’. 

My “crazy” may come out a little more here in written form, than in person. I’m pretty mellow. I’m very patient, and emotionally stable, and sane. I’ve been in the crazy zone before, when I was younger, but it never felt right or fit me very well. It was like wearing clothes two sizes too big- very obvious that it didn’t suit me. 

I bottle a lot up, unless I trust you, or I’m comfortable with you. I try to be real with everyone, but I do hold back unless there’s a reason not to or I feel comfortable. I’m really working on this because I think for my own personal growth I need to be more trusting and open. I said working on it, not there yet. 

There are a few reasons that I’m feeling shakey at the moment. My son, my job, and my attempts at dating. 

Everything with my son is good. He’s happy where he is and what he’s doing. However, for several reasons he hates my apartment. The stairs are scary to him, all his stuff isn’t there, he’s autistic. There’s only so much I can do about any of these reasons. Just love him like crazy and try to help him navigate the changes. 

My job is good, I’m not getting fired, my manager gets me. After my meltdown a couple of weeks ago that led me to eat red vines while bawling and putting together IKEA furniture, my confidence is a little shaken. I think it will all smooth over and I’ll get my mojo back, but I gotta finish pulling my Shh together. 

Speaking of pulling my shh together… I’m not even sure I should be dating. I HATE dating. Hate hate hate it! I feel like no one is who they really are right away. There are exceptions to this of course, and it depends on the quality and quantity of interaction before during and after the first date. 

I’ve given up putting up a fake front. I tell most guys right away what life consists of for me and what I want. Regardless, I seem to be attracting very nice guys, just not a lot of chemistry. 

After how my marriage was… I’m not settling for less than a heartstring pulling connection. I know that to find someone that I have that with I just have to maintain a positive attitude, believe I can have it, and go about living life till one day I’m looking that person in the face. 

I would say I’ve found at least two at this point that I connected with, so I know it’s possible. I just need to stay focused on living my best life every day

It will all work out. 


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