Imprint

We have no control over how people see us. As much as we try, no matter what you do, either someone thinks you’re great, or they don’t. We do, however, have some control over the impression we leave and the affect that we have. Sometimes.

I try really hard to always leave people with a good feeling about me. I am conscious of my actions (that comes with being a naturally anxious person) and always try to be non-judgemental, forgiving, and the kindest version of myself possible. You never know what someone will take away from any interactions with you. The best you can do is be genuine, thoughtful and kind.

When I decided to leave my ex-husband I was sad about the lasting damage I might be incurring upon him. Regardless of what happened between us, and what was done or said, I didn’t want to leave him worse than he was before our relationship. I’d never want that. Maybe this is really why I stay friends with ex’s? I always try to end things on a good note. I’m aware this isn’t always possible, and for that I do accept responsibility. 

I really don’t know how else to say it, except that I try harder than most to never give up on anyone, and be the person that cares when maybe no one else does. This is the reason I’ll likely take care of ex-hubs when he finally has his 4th knee surgery… unless he has someone else by then. It’s just how I roll I guess.

This “leave a positive mark” applies to anyone I interact with. I am not the person that calls and yells at the cell phone rep or constantly says snide things under my breath to people. I can be snarky, but I am aware of that and put in the effort to curb that instinct. I’m also not saying I don’t stand up for myself, or that I don’t ever get mad, but there are kinder, and more direct ways to deal with people that aren’t treating you well for whatever reason. Just because I’m sassy doesn’t mean I’m mean on purpose. At least I try not to be.

I do worry sometimes that this blog is misconstrued, and about how I come across. I worry that any of my “people” will read it and feel bad, or take something wrong. I realize that it isn’t my responsibility how others react to me, and a fairly anonymous blog. I just always wanna put out good vibes and feelings. Nuthin’ but love…

But everyone is a work in progress right? There’s a very fine line between sarcasm and passive-agressive behavior. I always say I was raised on sarcasm and religion. My mother was a pillar of judgement and criticism. I learned negativity and harsh speech at an early age. I’m not placing blame, just stating that I’ve had to try to fight this kind of behavior in myself since I was aware enough to know that there was a better way and it is possible to re-wire your own thought process. Happiness and positivity is a good thing to make a habit, and work on daily.

 It’s probably no surprise that in everything I do, I consider the impact on my child. I know in recent posts that I haven’t talked much about my little boy. Part of that is because I have no idea who reads this blog and the other reason is that it makes me sad to talk or write about him right now. He doesn’t live with me at the moment because it’s what’s best for him. He’s happy, and I don’t want to upset the delicate balance of an autistic child. 

I’ve done everything possible to lessen the upheaval to his life during the split of his father and I. I waited till after the holidays to move, I had him stay with his dad so his routine isn’t thrown off and his surroundings are familiar, we kept the same daycare, and I have visited every night that I could so that I’m still present in his life. Since he is essentially non-verbal there is no way to know what he understands or how he feels. I try not to worry, but I’m a mom, worry comes with the territory.

There is a level of responsibility that comes with life. We are all responsible for the footprint we leave behind, not just on our children. I’m responsible for the imprint I leave on family, friends, people I meet at work, people I interact with in public or over the phone, or even online. This blog is my truth, but I like to think someone somewhere gets something out of it. 

I hope my imprint on people, in “real life” or online is a good one. I’ll keep striving for that… no matter what. 
 

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