I’m a lover of flowers in general but by far my favorites are tulips. Something about the slightly green scent, the shape, the way they follow the sun with their blooms. Tulips after they’re cut continue to grow and search for the sun. They curve and twist in search of any ray of light. It’s as if, even after being severed from their bulbs they refuse to give up on life. They’re hoping for one more day in the sun. I can relate to that.
There is a tulip festival on the western side of Washington State, Skagit Valley, that is coming right up. I won’t make it this year. I’ve actually only ever gone once. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was standing in the middle of the fields of tulips. Eventually, I’ll go to the tulip festival in Holland. It’s on the bucket list.
For Valentine’s Day this year, the ex sent me three dozen tulips to work. It caught me off guard and made my heart hurt. The note was simple and just said he appreciates me. They were beautiful and the gesture was sweet. I felt wretched. My move out date was two weeks later.
During my breakdown at work Friday my boss said I’m strong. It’s funny that I don’t feel that way. I’m independent. I’m for sure motivated, and driven, but mostly I’m just super stubborn. I refuse to be told I can’t do something, or that anything is impossible. Let’s face it, I hate being told “no”. If I want something I don’t ever give up. Usually. I might get sidetracked… wait, what were we talking about?
This doesn’t sound at all like me though right?!
In real life, lately, I feel fragile, and broken. I know this will pass. My sense of humor is intact and my smile isn’t missing, just erratic at best. I’m learning how life goes on my own while seeing my son less. I’m not sad about the marriage being over but I’m lonely. Again, all emotions that make sense, and time is really the answer.
I don’t know that my manager was wrong. I have to wrap my head around the word “strong” and decide what that means to me and if I feel it’s true. I would say at the very least I’m usually pretty hopeful. I’d say optimistic but that doesn’t come naturally. That I have to work at.
Hope is a word that makes sense in my life, it resonates with me. I’m not afraid of it like I maybe should be. Too much hope also means sometimes you’re let down. The definition of “hope” literally has the word expectation in it. I don’t care. In a world where everyone says “wait and see”, I’m still hoping, and expecting my life to be great. No matter what season of change I go through.