I started blogging a few years ago when my therapist at the time suggested it would help with bringing me out of a pretty nasty bout of depression. I’ve always journaled, or written, whether it was stories or the truth, since…. I don’t even know. Probably grade school age. I have stacks of old journals that I have kept for God only knows what reason. Maybe because…at one time they were my truth, and it was my heart in written form.
Blogging came about as a challenge to expand my…audience. There’s always been a blogging community that at various times I’ve gotten support from. It’s nice and unnerving all at the same time.
In truth…blogging makes me twitchy. It makes me nervous, and feel exposed. It makes my skin itch and my pulse race. When I post I swear I have a mini heart attack every time, and I have to just hit post and walk away. EVERY TIME. (Even after that sometimes I go back and check my own spelling…because I’m NUTS)
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I can hold some things back, and be selective about my sharing. I’m very picky about who I spend time with (including dating), or choose to confide in, or let see me when I’m not my best, or express heartfelt emotion to. I’m still working on this whole “live bravely and loudly” thing. I’d love to just throw caution to the wind, trust everyone, and not ever be afraid of being hurt again. I am getting there, but it’s slowly and I’m a work in progress.
Blogging was meant to push my boundaries. It does. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve added and then taken off the link to this blog on my IG and twitter accounts. Pretty sure I only put it on FB for like a hot second. FB is not, and maybe never has been, a “safe place” for me. But, as my therapist many years ago said “you’ll be surprised the response you get when you share yourself with people”.
This blog for me has been cathartic. I left the best therapist EVER back in WA and this has sort of taken her place. For now. As my close friends know (and I’ve written about in past posts) I’m afraid of anti-depressants, and so therapy, and now this blog have helped me work through stuff. For some reason…words on a page and not just in my head helps.
I honestly feel stronger now, so something somehow has worked to keep my head above water this time. I actually don’t feel full on depressed…just in my head a little. There is a difference, but unless you’ve been there it’s hard to draw the line for you.
The best part about this blog is…I’m still pretty anonymous. I have one dear sweet friend who reads, and lets me know she does, and I love her for it. *Of course, there’s no risk with her…I’d tell her this stuff to her face. But anyone else putting up with my rants is a mystery to me. I’m ok with that. Sometimes I think maybe someone else “gets it” and I certainly like to tell myself that if there’s anyone on the same page…maybe they’re at least encouraged. Or relate. Or don’t feel alone. That’s the point right?!
I usually have a fiery, sassy little personality. Sarcasm leaks from my very pores on most occasions. I like to think that soon that’ll come out here. For now, my truth is…that I’m trying. I’m working on lighting that fire under my own ass again. I’m working through my own negative garbage to come out more fiery on the other side. The spark is there…I just gotta find more kindling.
*Love you M! Miss you like crazy girlfriend.