I woke up with a weird headache today. It’s probably from something simple- dehydration, teeth grinding last night, slept wrong and the muscles in my neck are strained….who knows. Regardless of the reason since I struggle with mornings anyway it bumped up my anxiety a notch or two. My biggest worry has always been something happening to me and Avery not having his momma. I try to realize that things happen, and I can’t prevent all of the worst case scenarios from happening. If it’s my time, and God calls me home I have to just trust that he will take care of my boy after I no longer can.
The worst part of this thing called “generalized anxiety” is that it hits me sometimes unexpectedly too. It also, sadly, effects my social skills. It’s the worst to be an introverted person and have anxiety make you seem that much more socially awkward.
I took Av to school this morning, feeling unbalanced and anxious. When I got him there, late (he wouldn’t eat breakfast), I had to explain to his wonderful therapists that he may get cranky ‘cuz he’s hungry. That alone always makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I know it’s not really my fault he won’t eat, but I hate telling anyone my baby skipped breakfast. It just sounds like bad parenting when it’s said out loud.
Then….because I’m all jittery and off kilter, I think I made a poor dad watching his kid uncomfortable. We can watch therapy from the hallway and there was a young father who is not normally there watching. I knew who he was because I talk to his wife a bit but I didn’t address him right away. He’s military like my husband and I know what his job in the Air Force is so I knew he might be a little harder to talk to anyway. Then one of the therapists comes out and starts talking to him. Once she knew he was in the military, and of course I’m standing there still, so now she includes me in the conversation. Seems innocent enough but I can’t be trusted to not have verbal diarrhea when I’m anxious. It’s a blur at this point what I said but I will tell you he didn’t stay much longer after that conversation to watch his son. In fact….he left as soon as it seemed socially acceptable to do so. *awkward shrug* I can’t help it sometimes. I can’t tell you what comes over me. I’m normally a very quiet person at times like this.
I’m now sitting in my car trying to deflate from my anxiety ridden social mishap.
I am thankful for the rain again today. If I’m feeling yucky for some reason rain and colder temps always help me feel better.
I have a delivery of cookies to make and Posh samples to finish. Might try to sneak in a nap too. Being so anxious is exhausting.