You guys….. I never talk about this. I go to therapy and say all of the bad stuff that I don’t want to taint other people’s lives or perspectives with. I don’t like to foster any more negativity than I can help. I try really hard to forgive and move on. But today…..I’m grieving.
At least that’s what my therapist would say. Some days you have to just be sad about something to help you move on.
I don’t have the answers to why, and I can’t speak for someone else, all I know is my truth, and that is….my mother isn’t very “motherly” to me. She’s harsh, unforgiving, stern…. I’ve never felt she understood me, or my life, or why I am me. She bullies, belittles, berates, and chastises me regularly. People who meet her would never know this. She’s polite and amiable and pleasant. To them. It’s caused problems in my marriage because my husband doesn’t think I stand up for myself enough and we fight about it.
I’m always hurt just a little by the fact that she gave birth to me but treats me with such a lack of concern or care.
Anytime I hear stories, see posts, witness love between other mothers and their daughters I feel postively green with envy. I’d give anything for a relationship with my mom that made me feel loved and not criticized. When I’m really struggling with my anxiety, it makes me feel even more alone that I don’t have that connection or support from her over the years. As I battled bout after bout of depression she’s always told me to “suck it up”. She doesn’t relate to me. It’s…..so hard.
I’m going to finish having a good cry over it, and then hug my son, and go out into the sunshine today.