Changing a life

There are so many things that mothers do. We bring life into this world. We populate the planet. We raise future leaders, or…serial killers. I don’t mean for this post to take a downward turn towards the dark side, but there is a point to be made. Depending on how you share your love, your self, and your life’s experience can shape the way your child percieves themselves and others. What you give to them in attention, and guidance and care will develop their personalities.

I’ve been struggling lately. My anxiety fluctuates and I have a rollercoaster of feelings every day. I can’t tell you the cause of my imbalance. All I know is….my son needs me to figure it out. I deserve to feel good more regularly and be able to give more of my best self to him and my husband.

I’m up waiting for bedding in the dryer to finish drying and contemplating our lives lately. My son is having break throughs. He’s making more of a connection with us at home and with people in public. He is forming what I consider to be words and he’s responding. This is huge because for a while it seemed like he was on a little island by himself, and we couldn’t quite reach him or get him to acknowledge us. It was very indicative of a diagnosis like autism. We don’t have that diagnosis yet, and I wanted to give him more time. I don’t think he felt well for a bit and I had no idea. He’s proven to be sensitive to milk. He was drinking a lot of it and…. I think it effected how he felt and how he behaved. I was working so hard to keep it all together while working full time at a stressful un fulfilling job and I didn’t see how he was feeling. I missed it. Believe me, once we realized what was happening I had a good cry in the shower by myself and then moved on. We have so many more wars to win that to waste too much time feeling low about a small skirmish seemed foolish.

We went back on B12, cut out milk, and viola! He’s doing wonderfully!!!! It’s so great! I did realize today though, that this boy really does need his momma every day to see him, to understand. Until he can speak, until he can tell us what he needs or wants, I have to be his voice, and I have to pay attention! I am afraid to go back to work. I will need to eventually get a new job, but for now this little boy needs me. At therapy today he looked me in the eye, and looked so delighted with himself, it was enough to make me tear up, something I hate doing in public. He was so proud of himself and what he was doing. When we praised him, you could tell he “got it”, he knew he was doing something.

Me losing my job changed that baby’s life. I was always there for him, but now we walk hand in hand every day. I can tell he is flourishing because his biggest supporter is right there all the way looking right at him. I’m his momma, and we were always meant to walk this road. Despite my own troubles, and worries, I am grateful. He needed me more than we needed the money my job paid. I am thankful for the closed door and the change that made for all of us.

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