Insta-love and a heaping pile of denial

I’ve been gone for a bit friends. Sorry for that. I’ve been avoiding some social media for a while. Facebook and WordPress sometimes have too much reality for me and I have to step away. I’m not trying to bury my head in the sand and pretend the bad stuff doesn’t happen. My anxiety flares in ways I don’t always expect so I try to prevent it by protecting my mind as much as possible. I still hear all the heartbreaking news stories and see some things I’d like to forget but it’s better than it would be if I was completely plugged in.

Recently folks I joined a majority of you on Instagram. Love it!!! I can always handle pictures of food/babies/shoes/my friend’s christmas tree. It doesn’t carry the same pressure with it for me. Even my beloved WordPress can make me feel sort of sad/envious/stressed/anxious. Words have always been very powerful for me so that makes sense.

As always, here is where I come to let it all out. I know my therapist would be proud. Especially since I can’t see her right now. I had to get a referral from my new insurance before I could go and of course now it’s the holidays. I haven’t seen her since September.

Enough about that. Here’s the truth- I’m in the depths of discouragement. I’ve applied to so many jobs since I was let go that I just feel horrible because I haven’t been called even once for an interview. I feel like a giant failure. All my work experience and my 4 yr degree mean nothing.

I know, I know….it’s the time of the year, the economy, or the types of jobs I’m applying to. “Enjoy the time with your son” everyone says. I am. But…..that’s also a source of discouragement for me. When you see the huge gap between your child and every other child every day it tears at you. There’s only so much “celebrate and be grateful for the little things” that you can do to ward off the worry and anxious thoughts of the future. I need to reel it in as one of my best friends would say. Anxiety is fueled by fear of the future. Stay in the now and enjoy the moment, is what she would tell me. She’s right, it’s just hard to do sometimes.

My other predominant emotion as of late is envy. I am guilty of coveting other’s lives and economic status and normal children. I seriously want just one day in their lives. Just one. I’m pretty sure it would put me back in my place and help me realize how blessed I am.

I woke up this morning feeling old and achey and deflated.

So, my only solution is…get out of the house. Take Av somewhere to play or have lunch. I need to shower (usually also where I take a moment to breathe and pray) get dressed and….put on lipstick. I’m convinced that lipstick and a cute pair of shoes can make most women feel better. As one of my favorite authors says “get up, dress up and show up.” Regina Brett

Have a great week everyone!

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