This is a post I started over a year ago and for whatever reason never finished. Everything here still rings true for me and hits me hard in the face sometimes….
**It’s hard to explain what happens to your thoughts and emotions over different things after you have a baby. I knew my life would be different, but I never expected my feelings over things would change.
When I had a baby I was so focused on his needs and taking care of him that it took me a while to focus into the world around me again. When I first came out of my new mom fog I discovered I couldn’t read the paper or watch the news anymore. Stories on FB of sick or abused kids threw me into an emotional overload and I was afraid of the doctor’s office and all places I could see sick or dieing children. I was an anxiety ridden mess.
I always knew I was a little more sensitive than some people. As a child I could just tell I felt things differently. My feelings got hurt very easily, I had a knack for relating to others and understanding their feelings, and I was very perceptive and discerning from a young age.
Right after I went back to work from maternity leave one of my coworkers lost her 4 month old due to a babysitter’s negligence. It was all I could do as a first time mom leaving her 3 month old baby with a sitter every week not to lose my mind. We really needed the money and my benefits or I would have quit after my first month back.
Over time (the last two years) I’ve realized my sensitivity level is higher in some ways because I’m a mom. I can’t imagine how anyone could be mean to children. Ever. Or animals, but that goes without saying. I know what I can emotionally handle and what I can’t. When I was still working and I’d over hear my coworkers talking about any claims (car accident, house fire, etc) where children were involved I’d plug in my headphones and listen to calming music. I don’t read books or watch movies that I know involve abuse or injury to children. My husband doesn’t relay any troubling work stories or news related items. My friends know I am sensitive and we don’t discuss anything that is an issue that upsets me.
My therapist says that even though I cope really well, I also feel really deeply and sometimes my coping isn’t as much as my feeling. It just makes me who I am. I don’t choose to wear rose colored glasses. I know how horrible the world is, or can be. I just don’t need any more of the violence and sadness to seep into my mind.
***I got on FB today and saw a post about an abused 3 yr old boy and lost it. I decided then and there that I’m taking a break from that site for a while. I’d been backing away slowly anyway. Right now I’m more into Instagram and WordPress as well as etsy and zulilly. Anything with lovely pictures and inspiring people…and online shopping. 🙂 All I want right now is light and love.
There will be a post soon about food. I’ve been cooking more now that I’m home every day.
Hugs to you all.