Explore the darkness

I had a whole different set of fun stuff to talk about today and then I ran across this gem:

“Owning our story can be hard but nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown

This book was reccommended to me by my therapist and talks about touchy subjects like shame, guilt and living “wholeheartedly”. It’s a slow read for me because it requires so much emotional energy to get through, and I find that some days I just can’t muster the strength take in the message she’s conveying. It’s VERY good, just hard to stomach at this moment in my life.

The last time I really explored the darkness that I have in the back part of my mind, I was physically ill, I mean literally I got so upset it made me sick. It was good in retrospect to take the opportunity to feel what I needed to, but I think I’ve repressed, or “coped” as my therapist would say, so effectively with past traumas or emotions that it’s easy to be overwhelmed. I can’t go back and deal with them at the time that they happened, so I really just boxed them up for later. As we all know, just like packing and moving, evenually you have to deal with the boxes stacked at the back of the garage so to speak. The whole process sucks!

It’s funny to me that the thing I stuggle the most with myself on is being brave and this quote is the first thing that struck me as I picked this book up again. The next section talks about courage but I’m not ready to read it yet. I have to go through it a small piece at a time. Break it off like bread and digest each small portion individually.

We had our follow up appointment with the Guild School yesterday and they said that Av is about a year behind in almost every category. I wanted to cry but obviously that helps no one, so I sat with the paperwork in my lap and stared at the doctor with the look of someone who is lost. I needed help to find the pieces of my life that had sort of scattered themselves all over the floor in front of me. I was so thankful that I had my close friend with me since Rob couldn’t make it to that appointment. She gave me a hug at the end of the appointment once we were to the car, and I know she gets it. She’s able to see that I am grasping at anything that I can hold onto to help me till I can get my feet back under me and my mind right.

Bubba isn’t sleeping lately as well. I do believe that I would be coping better with the stress and anxiety over this situation if I could get my baby to eat something substantial and sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I’m bleary eyed and weepy today. I just want to nap. I’m out of time at work and desperately trying to keep my job and get paid what we need to run our household without bumps.

It’s Thursday, It’s almost over, and then I can spend the weekend trying to nap and keep the house in order so that we can take on next week. It’s a cycle that I wish we were through with. It will get better. I know it’s temporary. I’m just too tired to have the energy to be more optimistic.

Still eating fairly healthy, taking my vitamins and trying to stay hydrated. With my lack of sleep the last thing I need to feel worse than I have to.

I do have recipes to share, and pictures to post, but that will be a tomorrow kind of thing.


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