We have one today. I say “we” because I mean Avery, but really it’s me taking him, and him not knowing “why” or “what for”. Let me back up…
A week ago my baby sitter said “You know Avery hasn’t talked for about a month now right?” The truth is I had noticed. The words that my sweet boy found to voice about 4-8 weeks ago are gone. No more ” What dis?” or “What dat?”. No more “Dada”, “I’ll get it” “yep”….
I really can’t list any more of them here because it hurts too much. The way my dumb mind works, I’m sorry that I didn’t record them, like on my phone or in his baby book (I kept meaning to fill that thing out completely!!!) so that I could hear them later and I had a record of them.
I called my friend first of course. She’s always been super sweet to me about all of my neurotic-ness. She’s never once told me I as “nuts” or “melodramtic” or made me feel like I was losing it. She told me to just take him in. Don’t jump off of a cliff yet, don’t assume the worst, or self-diagnose, and if I have worries they are valid and should be expressed to a medical professional. Love her.
I’m really trying to keep my s…. together here. It’s not really going that well.
On top of the no-more-words thing, my son doesn’t care about playing with other children. I don’t say this lightly or without several occurences of it happening. We’ve taken him to the play place at the mall, a kids hand’s on science center, social situations, and…he just doesn’t care about interacting with other kids. Acts like he doesn’t really even see them. I was baffled when I watched him. I just thought…he’s just little. Not even two yet.
Last but not least on my list of things I have to retell to the ped, which is partly why I’m typing it here, so I can keep my head about me a little bit, is that he doesn’t respond to his name. He doesn’t care if I’m saying it, his dad is saying it, or, and I assume this is true since it hasn’t happened yet, the president is saying it…he won’t respond to you. Not at all.
*this one makes me tear up the most*
So, with a heavy heart and shakey hands I called the specialist and his regular pediatrician this morning. Both said what I have noticed is concerning. The specialist said she’d call me back as soon as possible today and we might need to take him to Seattle for testing, and the ped told me to come in today. I’m hoping for at least a blood panel done since we haven’t had one since November when we stopped the B12 because his levels were low enough to feed him normally and try no meds. All on Dr’s orders of course.
All I know is…he seems lost to me. The sweet boy who was developing so well and learning so much, surprising me and his dad every day with his language and his smile over every little thing…has disappeared. Where did he go?! I WANT HIM BACK!! I can still see him in there…I can…it was just a month or so ago…
I tell myself to wait for the doctors to tell me he’s fine. I tell myself that going back on B12 for his MMA might be the answer, and then the small voice that I don’t want to listen to asks me “what if this is permanent?”. “What if your son never looks you in the eye or offers you a kiss on his own ever again?”
It’s all I can do to sit through work until I have to go scoop him up and have someone else scruntinize his behavior like I’ve been doing for a couple of months now.
His dad is in denial. Says he’s “fine”. Says “he’s not even 2 yet.” “he’s not behind”. I would love to think he’s right and yet there’s something that sits in my head, that could be either mother’s intuition or just my neurotic fear that tells me “something isn’t right”.
I pray that I’m wrong. That it’s just a “phase”. I pray that he will one day, like this afternoon maybe, just pipe up with “I’m super hungry mom, and why are we at the doctor’s office?” and I will laugh and say “Oh, sorry for wasting your time, apparently he’s fine and I was REALLY wrong!”
I don’t mean to joke. I really do wish that would happen.
I hate crying at work. I’m going to go looking for more chocolate. Please pray for us. Avery is such a sweet boy, and it doesn’t matter in the end…I love him to the moon and back. I just wanted a normal life for my baby and I guess that just wasn’t meant to be.