Functioning wallflower

If you look up the word “wallflower” Merriam-Webster says this:

A person who is shy or unpopular and who stands it sits apart from other people at a dance or party.

I would say most people who have met me don’t think of me this way. I can appear to be very personable and talkative, and social. I’m a functioning wallflower. I’ve learned to not appear so awkward, but I do have a certain amount of social anxiety.

I was more capable of blending in at a younger age. The older I get the more I fight to maintain an open-ness to people, and to push my social boundaries. This is especially true if my depression is overwhelming me. If I’m in a dark place, mentally, my instinct is to curl up somewhere by myself.

Common sense tells us of course, that isolation doesn’t help so I fight. I fight every day to open myself back up again. I try to peel back my own layers, with gentle shaking hands. It’s so hard. I can’t tell you what age my trust issues started. I know I was born…sensitive. I’ve never identified with this word, but I have no other. I know as a child I was keenly aware of my parent’s struggle with money, and that I never felt like I had true friends or fit in very well. I know my feelings were easily hurt, and I do remember worrying over things ( not a shocker considering my current state as an adult). If you pay attention to diagnoses I’m a “highly sensitive personality”. I toss that out the window and just know that things effect me more or differently than others. I don’t even think of it as a limitation, just a difference, and I fight to overcome it every day.

Yesterday’s blog was posted, by me, to my Facebook. Not what I would normally do. My stomach twisted up in knots afterwards but…the point of this blog wasn’t to take the easy way out of everything. I need to get to that better version of myself. I need to keep pushing myself to do that. I have to be brave. It was #17 on my lust. Yes, I have skipped a few items and now I’m going to list those.

14. I took my busy baby boy with me, and bought skinny jeans. There are several reasons this is brave. If you have to ask me why I’ll loan my bubba to you and tell you to find a pair of the slimmest pants available before he goes nuclear in the store. There aren’t enough goldfish crackers in the world to stop his hollering if you take longer than 30 minutes to complete this task. It’s also rather brave of me to put skinny jeans on my junk in the trunk. Just sayin.

15. I started my Vitamin D supplement again. This doesn’t seem brave but my mind has always played mean tricks on me, and I stopped taking it regularly last year after I had a weird reaction to…something. I convinced myself it could have been my supplement. I’m “morbidly low” though so nothing will look as great until I get my levels back up. Yes I’m weird, but check with me in 6 weeks after the vitamins load. I’m sure life will look lots better.

16. I went to a baby shower on Sunday that my close friend threw for someone I’ve never met. In fact, I knew no one at the shower except my friend. The new mom and I have emailed over the struggles with having a baby that has a medical anomaly (her oldest son has a lot of issues) but I hadn’t met her until this weekend. This was a big step for me and a huge struggle because I woke up with a head splitting headache. I was late, but still went. That was big for me too. I got to hold the new baby though and was there for a bit to support my friend. It was good.

Today I’m pretty on edge. I have a dentist appointment and….I hate the dentist. Hate. HATE! I’ll live, I’m just praying for no more cavities.

Happy Tuesday all!

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