Bleh. I had too much sugar yesterday and there’s no way around the residual hangover/icky ness today. I have a giant sweet tooth and love chocolate more than almost anything else in the whole world. We also had a pot luck at work yesterday, that only had like two non-sweet items. Today I am really ill.
I am home today because we have a very specific food diary that we have to do for 3 days starting today for bubba’s regular check up on his MMA. Our appointment with the specialist is Monday. I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.
Me sick + staying home with a busy toddler = anxiety attack. As of now I’m good, but an hour ago I was trying to calm my mind and keep it together because Little Man needs his momma. So I did my necessary bathroom time this morning, then tried to eat breakfast. No go. So…I took the baby, and a bottle of water, and sat in the shower praying to God to help me.
Couple of things.
1. My biggest anxiety trigger is my ability to take care of my baby and keep him safe. The demon that chases me the most feeds me a lot of hateful, fearful thoughts about my inability to do those things for my son.
2. Without a giant theological discussion, I’ve run the doubt gamut about God, his existence, and his influence in my life. I quit going to church regularly at 18, and have only gone occasionally since. I never talk to friends or family about my level of faith or reasons for it, and I would shock people who know me best with a discussion about it. I can not, however, look at quite a few very specific things in my life and not give credit to him watching over me, providing for me, and guiding my life. One day soon I will take the time to explore this further, but today’s blog is about him taking care of me, and the anxiety that over took my day today.
Back to me, praying in the shower while little man plays with all of the bottles in there and his tub toys still hanging out from last nights bath after trick-or-treating. I felt better within minutes, my racing heart stopped racing, and I was able to dry and dress both of us, and put bubba down for his morning nap.
Bravery item for today was to manage my anxiety. It was be brave and to trust God. I have a very hard time with this. Always. My trust issues run deep and wide. It’s the driving factor in almost everything I do.
It’s going to be bravery that gets me through the rest of the day. It will be remembering God has always had me, and the baby, in the palm of his hand. If the plan for me is to die suddenly one day while caring for my child, he will take care of him after I pass. I have to believe this because it keeps me calm and moving forward every day.
I know not everyone believes in God, and I’m not here to preach. I see both sides of the religion question/issue/debate and I myself ride the fence and walk a very fine line most days. But today, my center, my calm, was prayer. I can’t tell you for sure who was listening, but it worked, and for now I’m better. PTL as they say.
*side note. Sugar is such an addiction that even now that my stomach has barely settled, I’m eyeing the candy bowl with the left over Halloween candy. Wow. It’s going to be a challenge today.