Why I don’t take pills…

I wish my super power was to be able to see the future. I don’t care about flying, or super strength, or invisibility…I wanna know what’s going to happen three hours, three days, three months from now.

In an earlier blog I promised to discuss why I don’t take meds, and how I got to this place without them. Those were better days when I blogged that. I question my own issues, and decisions a lot lately.

I am in a slump. I don’t think my hormones are right, and I feel terrible. I saw my naturopath but I’m thinking about seeing a new doctor. I haven’t seen my therapist in months…we’ve discussed this already.

I have had antidepressants prescribed to me no less than 5 times in the last 3 years. I have not taken a single pill out of any of those prescriptions. This doesn’t come out of a prideful place, or a judgement that they won’t help…this is out of fear. I have no judgement for those taking something. I actually envy them a little because I’m sure they feel better.

But back to the point…I am afraid. I wouldn’t say that I have a phobia, but I’ve never asked a therapist either, so maybe I do. I am afraid of taking medicine. I’m actually afraid of taking anything pill like in general. It was a stretch on some of my worst days to take vitamins, but if I think I’m losing my mind now, it was a million times worse when I didn’t at least take my D and a multi. I finally had to just suck it up and start taking those things regularly.

I can’t tell you where the fear came from, when it started, or why. I just know that at different points in my life it’s been worse or effected me more than others.

So, antidepressants…good idea for someone like me…if I could talk myself into them. I’m afraid of side effects, I’m afraid of not being myself, and I’m afraid of having to continue to take them for the rest of my life.

My fear of things that I take into my body does stretch to foods. I am afraid of new things and having an allergic reaction. What’s weird about this? I don’t have lots of allergies to food. In fact I have…none. No verifiable allergies to food. Yet I fear it and every new food item I eat the fear rises up, and I gotta fight it and just eat it and wait. While I was pregnant and right after this issue was terribly exacerbated. Remember previous fear that I’ll die and not get to see my baby grow up, or let him down somehow…

Phew. I’m a mess! It feels better to admit stuff, but it also feels worse. Where did all of my anxiety and fear come from?! I didn’t use to have this issue!

It’s always worse in the morning and if I’m feeling sick, which is a lot lately. I have acid reflux, and pollen allergies, which together some days make it hard for me to breathe. The other thing that makes it hard to breathe? My anxiety! Some days I just pray I make it. Please let my heart continue to beat, and my lungs to continue to fill with air. I swear some days I have to tell myself to breathe!

On days that I feel great, happy, upbeat, I don’t question why I don’t take anything. It’s the days that I struggle that I wonder about my own sanity and why I don’t just take something already!!

These are the things running around in my brain today after I cried all the way to work, got a pep talk from my husband, and instant messaged a co-worker who knows I struggle to see if I could be strong enough to make it through another day.

In the meantime, afternoons are easier and most days by dinner I’m right as rain. I did a potato salad last week, as well as chicken parm (not same day) and the chicken tortilla soup that I love but never gave you the recipe. It’s super easy, crock pot made, and delightfully yummy all at the same time. Here we go!

Potato salad-
I like red potatoes, with their skins, you use what you like. 4 or 5, cut up and then cook in boiling water, or peel and cook them while, your preference.
I used about 5 pieces of pepper crusted bacon cooked the day before at breakfast, and refrigerated, then crumbled in.
4-5 hard boiled eggs
2-3 stalks of celery ( I like the crunch I’m my salad)
Miracle whip (use mayo if you like)
Pickles, dill
Yellow mustard

When I say that this is a “dump” recipe I mean I literally just throw it all together. There’s a lot of eyeballing and taste testing that happens. I like texture with my potato salads as well as a certain level of salt plus crunch and creamy that I seek. It was delightful and only lasted like a day.

Chicken parm-
Boneless skinless chicken breasts. Either buy them as thin as possible or cut in half or pound flat with a mallet. I usually only do about 3 breasts unless someone is coming for dinner. Hubs doesn’t eat leftovers…
Marinara-homemade or jarred. No judgement here
Shredded parm cheese, at least 1/2 cup, I like a little bit more…
Bread crumbs, again you can buy these. I like the Italian flavored kind.
Shredded mozzarella, however much you want
2 tbsp melted butter or olive oil

Preheat oven to 450 and spray a baking dish or cookie sheet with non stick spray. Combine parm and bread crumbs, season if you’re using non seasoned crumbs. Brush breasts with butter or oil, and then dip in crumbs and place in baking dish. Bake for 20 minutes, flip over and bake another 5.
Spoon marinara over the top of each breast and sprinkle the mozzarella over top and bake another 5 minutes. I usually serve over cooked spaghetti noodles and with a little extra parm. Yummy!

The tortilla soup was the best of all of this food goodness.

2-3 frozen or unfrozen chicken breasts
3 cups chicken broth
1 can of no salt added black beans
1 can of Rotel with chilis
1 can of petite diced tomatoes no salt added
1 can of corn no salt added
2 cloves of minced garlic
1 medium onion diced
1-2 jalapeño, diced (I left these out)
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 lime

Put all of the ingredients except the lime into your crockpot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Shred the chicken with two forks. Right before serving squeeze a slice of lime into each bowl. Serve with tortilla chips and avocado.

See? Even depressed mommas can still cook. Tonight is meatloaf and baked potatoes!


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