The bright side

What is WRONG with me this week?!?!

I’m going to start this post with a “thankful” list.

I’m thankful for today
I’m thankful for my husband
I’m thankful for my baby
I’m thankful for my job
I’m thankful for my health

There is so much more I should list here but as of now I am abbreviating and only listing the top 5. I was hoping this little exercise would make me feel better, but I find I still have the small urge to cry. You know that feeling that sits at the back of your eyes and throat all at the same time. The urge to give in and sob till you can’t breathe and you just feel dried out, and wrung out. I want to drown my sorrows in food I shouldn’t eat, and dark corners that I sit in alone and sulk, feel sorry for myself.

It’s true I’ve been sick this week, and that part of my problem is hormone related. I just don’t know where or when I took a giant step backwards. Worst of it all…I can’t really tell anyone. I’m embarrassed and ashamed, and I know I’m sick of my own sadness so others must really be sick of me.

I know it’s isolating and unhelpful to act like I’m fine. I’ve read the stories, recently even, of people my age, with children and good jobs, that had reasons to live, yet committed suicide after battling depression for a long time. I know the statistics, I’ve heard the examples, I’ve talked to my recent therapist, and a few before her, about all of the ins and outs, and yet here I sit. I still make excuses to people who see me sitting at my desk, eyes glassy and red rimmed. I tell them my allergies/cold/eye makeup is making me crazy.

Then I think about my vitamin D levels, and options not requiring drugs or therapist bill that I can’t afford, to feel better.

I have a hair appointment tonight. My usual remedy to a funk is a hair trim or dye. Today may not be the day to do anything drastic.

I pray to God. I ask him to please help. I don’t always understand myself where my sadness comes from. I know I feel the weight of time slipping through my fingers. I know I am clinging to every moment with my baby. I know I feel horrible about myself. I also know there is an upside to everything.

This week I can’t find the bright side. I may just have that cry, eat something horrible for me, and regroup tomorrow.

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