Mental illness is a crazy thing…

I am told I’m not really a crazy person, and that I just play one on TV.

In all seriousness, my version of crazy is VERY mild compared to what it could be. It is enough to drive me to wanna drink…if I could talk myself into it.

It’s been a very up and down few weeks. This week, being a short one, has still felt very long. This could be due to the fact that we were denied our first attempt at a home loan over the weekend…through the mail no less. We then heard from the loan officer and my husband’s debt to income ratio is too high (we thought this might happen) and my score is boarder line (also a prediction on my part). It was a little depressing to have someone tell you, in actual spoken words, what is wrong with you according to the financial world. I wanted to explain all of the different circumstances that went into our positions individually, but then I remembered…they don’t give a s*#^. My husband looked defeated for a few days and then it was like his mental coping mechanism kicked into high gear and he started coming up with solutions. That’s my man!

The real problem lately is that when I’m stressed, it affects my mind in weird ways. I end up having some cyclical thought patterns, and weird dreams, and some days I can’t always distinguish between dream and reality. It sounds a lot scarier than it really is. Or maybe I’ve just managed my anxiety about it.

I will say this…at times like this, my memory is TERRIBLE! I can’t hardly remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone, what I was supposed to buy at the store (hence why I never grocery shop without a list). I need to get some memory supplements or something. I’m going to be old before my time and that’s not good.

My mental state is so boarder line anymore. I bounce between irritability and depression very quickly, and then back. I blame my hormones on the odd numbered days of the month, and a lack of vitamin D on the even, but who knows anymore what the real reason is….except maybe good old fashioned depression. Again, I stopped seeing my therapist so I could pay off the bill. I am not sure when I’m paid up if I’ll go back.

All I really know, and this makes me tear up…is that I want to be the best momma I can. My little man is too little to be yelled at yet, and he doesn’t deserve for me to lose my paticence with him because he’s busy and likes to explore EVERYTHING. I look at his chubby cheeks, and fingers, and thighs, and try to remember everything because he won’t be little for very long. I get sad when I see people post the pictures of their kids going off to school because I know bubba will do that sooner than I’d like. I literally have to ward off a good crying jag when I take a minute to realize how much of his life his momma has been in a dark place in her mind, and that I’ll never get that time back. I can’t get that back. My mind is my enemy and my savior all at the same time. If I never remember anything except that precious little boy as he was when he was small I will still smile every day. He is mine. He is my baby always. He is my love.

Dinner the last few nights have been various different things, we had grilled burgers last night, no recipe really, just good cheeseburgers with a pasta salad. The salad I’ll list here because I just winged it, and it turned out soooooo good!! Dessert was homemade pudding pops, just like they sound, but I’ll list those too.

Pasta salad
*tri color rotini-half a box serves about 4, double if you wish, leftover pasta salad is delightful
*Grape tomatoes-my son likes the sweet ones, and they offset the salad just right
*sliced black olives, as many as you like
*turkey pepperoni-remember I’m trying not to eat terribly all the time!
*shredded cheese- I used colby jack mix, but cheddar is great too
*zesty italian dressing-I like Kraft, but any vinaigrette would work

cook pasta and then drain and run under cold water in the colander too cool the noodles, you don’t want to melt the cheese into the salad. Slice the tomatoes lengthwise, I always seed mine because I hate the seeds in my teeth, but you could leave them whole too. slice the pepperoni in half or fourths, whichever you like best, and toss all of the remaining ingredients with as much or as little dressing as you like. Store in an air tight container in the fridge.

Pudding pops
*any flavor instant pudding you like, I use two kinds and layer. You could also use yogurt

Mix according to instructions and then layer into the popsicle molds. Let freeze entirely, usually about 2-3 hours. Run under hot water to release pop from mold.

I finally made the crock pot chicken tortilla soup because it rained all last night and this morning. YAY! There’s something about rain that always makes me feel better. Fall is almost here and I’m so excited!!!

With that said, I’m still saying my prayers that my mood evens out and I get back to a happier place mentally. I want to make the most of every day with my family.

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