The dark side

Isn’t there a saying-“come to the dark side, we have cookies”? To this I say “yes please”.

I have given in this week to some negativity. I did go to the dark side and sadly, they didn’t have any cookies, and I didn’t make any.

I like to find the positive whenever possible because I feel like I’ve sat alone in the dark for so long. I knew the answer wasn’t to remain in a funk and let it fester inside me, so hence the therapy, and the determination to move forward with purpose and hope. This week however just wasn’t meant to be the best for me I guess. I may not have started out with enough resolve to not let life’s ups and downs get the best of me.

I’ve been bickering with my husband lately. Not fighting, fighting is different than this. Having small squabbles over piddly little things. He doesn’t take it as hard as I do. I’m not sure if that’s good or not.

My sister has stressed me out, and despite the fact that I never do this, I pretty much told her to “go kick rocks”. She’s been dating a total jack ass for 3 or more years, and I have tried and tried to help her. When I say he’s not a good person I mean it. He has slapped her, pushed her, controlled her (to a certain extent), belittled her, and now he’s cheating on her. She deserves so much more. I know that there is a messed up thinking with people who are abused, and I know that they have to get out of the situation themselves when they are ready. I’m frustrated and can’t help but just want the drama out of my life. I’m mad at him for being such a piece, and her for being so dumb about the whole thing. I can’t baby her anymore, and I have to think about the effect it has on me now that I have a little one that relies on me. My husband can’t hold all of my pieces together for me all of the time. He is pretty great, but he can’t stop the panic attacks for me, and I am so trying to get past this time of my life and get back to what I remember as being “normal” for me.

The car has been in the shop all week for body damage repair, and that has been really stressful. There’s only one car between two working adults in the house and Rob decided to take leave this week instead of us getting a rental car. I don’t like taking the remaining car to work because then if anything happens with our baby he has no car to take him to the doctor with. If you remember from a previous post, that’s one of my triggers for anxiety is my baby’s health and both of us being able to take care of him. My car was supposed to have been done yesterday, then they realized they were missing a part and so they had to have it overnighted and it “should” be done today. My husband didn’t see this as a big deal, and I was furious. Enter the bickering.

To really just top all of this off, I don’t have the friends that I used to. There is the confession that has sat on my heart for a long time now. I got married and had a baby all in the last 2 years. My best friend of almost 15 years didn’t even make it to the wedding. Me being who I am, I never got mad at her. I didn’t yell at her, or cry over it. I wasn’t surprised. I can’t sum up our relationship in one paragraph so I won’t even try. Obviously if I wasn’t surprised that she wasn’t going to make it to the wedding she’s let me down before. Even as I type this I realize I’m not mad, I’m disappointed and I take part of it as a failure on my part for either not choosing my friends better, or for not being the type of person you’d never want to disappoint. I think I usually let people off pretty easily most of the time. You get treated how you let people treat you. The worst part about that is, it’s hard to expect others to treat you better than you would treat yourself. If that makes sense. If I were a person based on my own thoughts of myself, I’d probably take me for granted too. Weird logic I know, but true.

I don’t usually pay attention to Facebook posts. I read them and they exit my brain a second later…unless someone is in need of some help, or something is really wrong, or very funny. I usually filter all of that garbage through my brain rather rapidly. Today, maybe because I’m already sensitive this week, a post from a friend of my best friend really irked me. I wanted to comment something nasty on it. As I admit that right now the irritation is leaving me. The response to something so trivial is not like me, and I know it’s just due to the lack of my friend’s presence in my life anymore. I probably needed her the most the last year or so, and she just….wasn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, it takes two people to have a friendship, but after the wedding I just didn’t feel the same way about it anymore. She had missed a huge event in my life, and while she told me it upset her, I had a hard time believing her. I have gone through some giant milestones and not without struggle and she hasn’t been there for any of them. It makes me feel….not important enough, and I wonder if she knew that if she would have tried harder to not just leave me on my own when I really needed her.

And so…here I am, friday before a long weekend, just wishing I could crawl into bed and have a good cry and then sleep for about 12 hours straight. In other periods of my life this exact thing was done and I would often wake up feeling like a new person. I don’t have the luxury this time, so instead I find joy in my little boy, and family, and doing things together. My favorite time on weekends is when my son wakes up and I bring him back to bed to snuggle with me and my husband and usually both dogs. These are magical moments for me, and I hope my memory is good enough to hold onto them long after my son has grown up and moved away.

No recipes this week. We’ve been eating out due to an infestation in our kitchen that will be discussed in a following post. I do have that Pinterest project and I will post pictures. There will hopefully be baking and cooking happening again soon, I’m tired of food other people fix.

Over and out

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