That’s the way the cookie crumbles

To say I’ve never met a cookie I didn’t like is an exaggeration. I’m not a huge fan of coconut or most type of nuts in my cookies. My favorite of course is just plain old chocolate chip. I have a current craving for them this week as a matter of fact. It’s too warm to turn on my oven and make a batch, so we’ll see how long it is before I turn to Pinterest for a single serving recipe that I cook in my microwave in a mug.

I need to refrain from finding that recipe however because I know me…the next time I feel a little defeated I’d make one in every single mug we own and then I’d sit and eat them all. With that kind of tendency you’d think I would weigh more, but having my baby helped me lose 30lbs…while pregnant. Not bragging, just the facts here.

Having my baby also helped me lose my mind…just a little. I’m not suicidal, or REALLY crazy, just chronically depressed and anxiety ridden. I won’t bother you with starting at the beginning because that’s not how I roll, but I will do occasional flashbacks, because my mind works that way anyway. The basics are as follows:

I am a full time working mother of one beautiful 15 month old, who suffered from postpartum, and is still recovering. My husband is in the military, and we’ve been married a year and a half. For those of you with any kind of math skills you can calculate that I got pregnant before we got married. I’m going to one day find a very wonderful way to explain this to my child. I have a few years thank goodness. I love being a mom, and wife, but I know that I am not entirely mentally well, and I’m working as hard as possible to rid my life of the anxiety that has overtaken me since my baby was born. My biggest fear is dieing before he is grown. I’ve never had anyone or thing rely on me as much as he does, and I worry that I will not be around his whole childhood. I am not a single parent and I know my husband would take care of him, but a child needs his mother, and I want his life to be the best possible.

As of today, this week, this moment, I’m doing well. I’m not sure where the strength has come from at the moment. I am clear, and focused, feeling good. I think the sleep we’ve gotten so far this week has been good. My son doesn’t sleep well every night and still gets up at least once during the night, but that’s about it and I can manage that.

There is so much more to tell, stories that have a beginning and an end, but I may need to start small. Admit to my depression that has plagued my life since I was in highschool, admit to what I struggle with now and look towards the future. Baby steps seem to be what I’m capable of. I asked my therapist why I struggle so much with depression, and where that comes from. No one I know of in my family has had troubles, and I’m not aware of any hereditary influence. Her answer was long and complicated, but my summation of it was this- sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I’m learning to accept that and move on. The answer to “why” won’t help me get better anyway. I could under normal circumstances always find a way to blame myself for my struggles, so I’m going to just focus on the victories this week, and keep truckin’.

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